Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Master Yoda
If you are a person who has experienced tragic mother loss especially early loss, abandonment, or murder, you’ve probably experienced fear at some level. Fear for your survival, fear of the future, fear of losing another parent, and/or fear of abandonment.
It’s only when we overcome our fears and, perhaps, our anger and hate, that we can truly flourish and live our best life. There has been enough suffering, let’s not inflict it upon ourselves by embracing our fears. Let’s move away from the dark side.
Affirmation: I’m fearless.
Coaching questions: What fears do you have that need releasing? Be specific and name two. What is one step you can take to move away from this dark side of living?
Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an un-lived life. Natalie Babbitt, American writer and illustrator
Generally people take stock of their lives at the beginning of the year but, since I have time on my hands as I recover from hip surgery, I’m doing a fall check-in. Why, you ask? Because after a summer and fall of languishing in an environment focused mainly on myself, I want to examine ways I can make a difference in the future.
First, I listed all the organizations I belong to and my responsibilities in each. I also listed other things I do on a regular basis—write, exercise, etc. I considered which activities I want to continue, then I wondered if anything new needs to be added. I don’t know the answers yet but I’m feeling good about the process.
Affirmation: Checking in with myself is a good thing from time to time.
Coaching questions: Are you living your best life? Accomplishing what you want to accomplish? Making a difference? Have purpose? If not, or if you’re uncertain, consider taking an inventory of how you spend your days, months, years.
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival. C.S. Lewis, British writer
I’ve spent several months being cooped up in my condo due to hip pain, Covid, and recovery from hip replacement surgery. What I’ve missed most is spending time with my friends.
I thought growing up without a mother and being an only child was why friends have always been particularly important to me but, in fact, research suggests that friendships can help all of us find purpose and meaning, stay healthy, and live longer.
Author, Lydia Denworth writes, “The intimacy, support, equality, and emotional bonds we have in our friendships are unique.” Indeed they are!
Affirmation: I value my friends!
Coaching questions: What do friendships mean to you? If you don’t have friends in your life, what can you do to cultivate one or two relationships?
Kindness is more than deeds. It’s an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch. It’s anything that lifts another person. Unknown
I’ve not had the best summer. Covid had me in it’s grip for nearly a month then the long wait for a new hip. The silver lining is the kindness I’ve experienced from friends who come a distance to visit, a helpful/caring husband, daily texts from my young granddaughter, notes of encouragement from friends, meals, kind medical personnel, prayers from many sources, and even my hairdresser who offered to come to my home to cut my hair if I couldn’t make my regular appointment after my surgery.
In a world seemingly filled with animosity, greed, and general ugliness, I’m especially grateful for the attitude, expression, look, and touch of kindness in my life.
Affirmation: There is much kindness in the world.
Coaching questions: How to you give and receive kindness to/from others? What does it mean to you?
The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vince Lombardi, football coach and President of the National Football League.
Labor Day recognizes the women and men who campaigned for workers’ rights in the late 19th century. It became a federal holiday in 1894.
The largest labor union in the U.S today is the National Education Association with three million members.
Emma M. Nutt was the first female telephone operator. She started September 1, 1878. She had a 54-hour work week and made $10 a month. In today’s dollars that’s a little over $300. Telephone operators were pioneers in the fight for equal rights for women and labor law reforms.
Affirmation: I honor those who paved the way in the workforce.
Coaching questions: How do you view work? If you’re retired, what gives you purpose?
In recognition of the 60th anniversary of Dr. ML King’s “I have a dream” speech and historic The March on Washington, I’m repeating this post.
These women are me. Oprah
Oprah has a collection of property ledgers from former plantations framed and hanging in her library as a reminder of where she came from. The ledgers contain the names, ages, and prices of people along with cattle, wagons, and other possessions.
Oprah is the great-great-granddaugter of enslaved people. In a different era, her name would have been in someone’s ledger. Oprah says she wants this constant reminder so she remembers, “These women are me.”
Hard as some might try, they can’t erase history, it’s built into the fabric of our lives.
Who would you be, where would you be, what would your life be like if someone hadn’t fought for your freedom? I’d be the property of my husband, with no voice, no vote, and no property.
Affirmations: I honor and remember those who paved the way. I will be a “paver” too.
Coaching questions: What lessons do you want to take away from your history? What do you believe needs to be done today so more will have a life of freedom? What are you doing to pave the way for future generations?
Aging is not ‘lost youth’ but a new stage of opportunity and strength. Betty Friedan, author
Author’s note: As a 78 year old who is incapacitated with a bad hip and awaiting replacement surgery, I’m repeating this blog because I need to read it. Maybe you do too.
If you’re in your 60s and beyond, here’s some good news. Chances are, you’ve left behind the desire for social competition and now embrace the importance of social connection. You’re investing in the well-being of others and activities you enjoy. Of course, life events like death of a loved one or poor health can interrupt this arc. But, in the long run, moving away from the treadmill of upper mobility actually makes us happier.
According to Jonathan Rauych, author of The Happiness Curve, “As we age our brains become more weighted toward positivity. These changes can be seen in brain MRI scans. Over time we experience less stress, regret, and emotional volatility.” In other words, with experience and age, we become wiser and have more balance and perspective. Now, isn’t that good news?
Affirmation: I have the capacity to improve with age.
Coaching questions: Have you experienced greater well-being in your 60s and beyond? What are you doing to move into the “happiness curve?”
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. Martin Luther King, Jr.
I’ve experienced some disappointments this summer. Due to Covid and a bad hip (getting a new one on 9/12), I missed my granddaughter’s musical, step-granddaughter’s shower and wedding, being a guest at two book clubs that were discussing my book, my annual visit with special friends from where I once lived….to name a few. Life is like that. Stuff happens.
Holding onto hope, as Dr. King suggests, has been a key to overcoming disappointment. Hope that I’ll eventually kick Covid and get back to the joy of pain-free walking.
Gratitude has been the other key. Grateful that what I’m experiencing isn’t life-threatening, grateful for the many great books I’ve had time to read, grateful for the kindness and support of family, friends, and even, strangers. As I sit this morning enjoying the cool breeze on my tiny condo balcony in northern Illinois, I’m embracing the beauty of nature, God’s love, and you, dear friends. Have a wonderful day!
Affirmation: I am hopeful and grateful!
Coaching questions: How have you handled disappointment in the past? What’s in your mental toolbox for the future?
A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. Irish proverb
Statistics suggest that four out of five people say they suffer from sleep problems at least once a week. In his article, “The Sleep Debt Collector Is Here,” New York Times newsletter correspondent, Oliver Whang, writes, “The sleep debt collectors are coming. They want you to know that there is no such thing as forgiveness, only a shifting expectation of how and when you’re going to pay them back.” The experts agree, lack of sleep harms your health!
Here are a few tips to get better sleep from Dr. Aric Prather, author of The Sleep Prescription with a few from me:
—If worry is keeping you awake, set a time to worry during the day. Ten minutes is plenty.
— Dr. Prather suggests one that’s new to me—stick your head in the freezer! He says the brief shock of cold activates your arousal system. He compares it to using jumper cables on a car.
—Declutter your bedroom. At the least, put the clutter where you can’t see it from the bed.
—If you have a loud neighborhood, consider getting a sound machine to block out the noise. If the noise is coming from a person sleeping beside you, consider separate bedrooms.
—Keep your bedroom cool. Our core temperature naturally drops just before bedtime. Help it along.
—Spend time doing something pleasant and soothing before bed.
If your sleeplessness is chronic and impinging on your quality of life, seek out a sleep specialist and/or talk to your regular doctor. It could be the medications you’re taking or other reasons you’re not aware of.
Affirmation: I will get a good night’s sleep!
Coaching questions: If you frequently don’t sleep well, what are you going to do about it? What do you think is causing your sleeplessness?
May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please but as the opportunity to do what is right. Peter Marshall, Chaplain for the US Senate, 1947
In doing research for this 4th of July blog post, I ran across an essay written by an 8th grader, Clarice Neitzel. She begins with “To me, freedom means to be able to learn from my mistakes. If I didn’t have freedom, I would have to do what the top authorities always tell me to do. I don’t have any room for mistakes so it would be harder to learn about life.”
I love this concept. I hope Clarice’s attitude grew out of her parents and teachers allowing her to learn from her mistakes. Clarice concludes her essay with, “Just remember, we are the land of the free and the home of the brave!” Don’t you love the “we are” rather than we “live in”?
Affirmation: Freedom gives me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes.
Life after losing a mother 