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Friendship Is Unnecessary But So Valuable

by Mershon Niesner

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself (for God did not need to create). It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival. C.S. Lewis, British writer

I’ve spent several months being cooped up in my condo due to hip pain, Covid, and recovery from hip replacement surgery. What I’ve missed most is spending time with my friends. 

I thought growing up without a mother and being an only child was why friends have always been particularly important to me but, in fact, research suggests that friendships can help all of us find purpose and meaning, stay healthy, and live longer.

Author, Lydia Denworth writes, “The intimacy, support, equality, and emotional bonds we have in our friendships are unique.” Indeed they are!

Affirmation: I value my friends!

Coaching questions: What do friendships mean to you? If you don’t have friends in your life, what can you do to cultivate one or two relationships? 

Kindness Is Alive And Well!

by Mershon Niesner

Kindness is more than deeds. It’s an attitude, an expression, a look, a touch. It’s anything that lifts another person. Unknown

I’ve not had the best summer. Covid had me in it’s grip for nearly a month then the long wait for a new hip. The silver lining is the kindness I’ve experienced from friends who come a distance to visit, a helpful/caring husband, daily texts from my young granddaughter, notes of encouragement from friends, meals, kind medical personnel, prayers from many sources, and even my hairdresser who offered to come to my home to cut my hair if I couldn’t make my regular appointment after my surgery. 

In a world seemingly filled with animosity, greed, and general ugliness, I’m especially grateful for the attitude, expression, look, and touch of kindness in my life. 

Affirmation: There is much kindness in the world.

Coaching questions: How to you give and receive kindness to/from others? What does it mean to you? 

Celebrating Emma M. Nutt and Others Who Paved the Way

by Mershon Niesner

The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary. Vince Lombardi, football coach and President of the National Football League. 

Labor Day recognizes the women and men who campaigned for workers’ rights in the late 19th century. It became a federal holiday in 1894. 

The largest labor union in the U.S today is the National Education Association with three million members. 

Emma M. Nutt was the first female telephone operator. She started September 1, 1878. She had a 54-hour work week and made $10 a month. In today’s dollars that’s a little over $300. Telephone operators were pioneers in the fight for equal rights for women and labor law reforms. 

Affirmation: I honor those who paved the way in the workforce.

Coaching questions: How do you view work? If you’re retired, what gives you purpose? 

Paving the Way

by Mershon Niesner

In recognition of the 60th anniversary of Dr. ML King’s “I have a dream” speech and historic The March on Washington, I’m repeating this post.

These women are me. Oprah

Oprah has a collection of property ledgers from former plantations framed and hanging in her library as a reminder of where she came from. The ledgers contain the names, ages, and prices of people along with cattle, wagons, and other possessions.

Oprah is the great-great-granddaugter of enslaved people. In a different era, her name would have been in someone’s ledger. Oprah says she wants this constant reminder so she remembers, “These women are me.” 

Hard as some might try, they can’t erase history, it’s built into the fabric of our lives. 

Who would you be, where would you be, what would your life be like if someone hadn’t fought for your freedom? I’d be the property of my husband, with no voice, no vote, and no property.

Affirmations: I honor and remember those who paved the way. I will be a “paver” too.

Coaching questions: What lessons do you want to take away from your history? What do you believe needs to be done today so more will have a life of freedom? What are you doing to pave the way for future generations?

Photo by Unseen Histories on Unsplash

Need To Read Something Positive About Getting Older?

by Mershon Niesner

Aging is not ‘lost youth’ but a new stage of opportunity and strength. Betty Friedan, author

Author’s note: As a 78 year old who is incapacitated with a bad hip and awaiting replacement surgery, I’m repeating this blog because I need to read it. Maybe you do too. 

If you’re in your 60s and beyond, here’s some good news. Chances are, you’ve left behind the desire for social competition and now embrace the importance of social connection. You’re investing in the well-being of others and activities you enjoy. Of course, life events like death of a loved one or poor health can interrupt this arc. But, in the long run, moving away from the treadmill of upper mobility actually makes us happier. 

According to Jonathan Rauych, author of The Happiness Curve, “As we age our brains become more weighted toward positivity. These changes can be seen in brain MRI scans. Over time we experience less stress, regret, and emotional volatility.” In other words, with experience and age, we become wiser and have more balance and perspective. Now, isn’t that good news?

Affirmation: I have the capacity to improve with age.

Coaching questions: Have you experienced greater well-being in your 60s and beyond? What are you doing to move into the “happiness curve?”

Photo by Ravi Patel on Unsplash

Handling Disappointment

by Mershon Niesner

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope. Martin Luther King, Jr. 

I’ve experienced some disappointments this summer. Due to Covid and a bad hip (getting a new one on 9/12), I missed my granddaughter’s musical, step-granddaughter’s shower and wedding, being a guest at two book clubs that were discussing my book, my annual visit with special friends from where I once lived….to name a few. Life is like that. Stuff happens. 

Holding onto hope, as Dr. King suggests, has been a key to overcoming disappointment. Hope that I’ll eventually kick Covid and get back to the joy of pain-free walking. 

Gratitude has been the other key. Grateful that what I’m experiencing isn’t life-threatening, grateful for the many great books I’ve had time to read, grateful for the kindness and support of family, friends, and even, strangers. As I sit this morning enjoying the cool breeze on my tiny condo balcony in northern Illinois, I’m embracing the beauty of nature, God’s love, and you, dear friends. Have a wonderful day!

Affirmation: I am hopeful and grateful!

Coaching questions: How have you handled disappointment in the past? What’s in your mental toolbox for the future?

Stick You Head In The Freezer!

by Mershon Niesner

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. Irish proverb

Statistics suggest that four out of five people say they suffer from sleep problems at least once a week. In his article, “The Sleep Debt Collector Is Here,” New York Times newsletter correspondent, Oliver Whang, writes, “The sleep debt collectors are coming. They want you to know that there is no such thing as forgiveness, only a shifting expectation of how and when you’re going to pay them back.” The experts agree, lack of sleep harms your health!

Here are a few tips to get better sleep from Dr. Aric Prather, author of The Sleep Prescription with a few from me: 

—If worry is keeping you awake, set a time to worry during the day. Ten minutes is plenty.

— Dr. Prather suggests one that’s new to me—stick your head in the freezer! He says the brief shock of cold activates your arousal system. He compares it to using jumper cables on a car.

—Declutter your bedroom. At the least, put the clutter where you can’t see it from the bed. 

—If you have a loud neighborhood, consider getting a sound machine to block out the noise. If the noise is coming from a person sleeping beside you, consider separate bedrooms.

—Keep your bedroom cool. Our core temperature naturally drops just before bedtime. Help it along.

—Spend time doing something pleasant and soothing before bed. 

If your sleeplessness is chronic and impinging on your quality of life, seek out a sleep specialist and/or talk to your regular doctor. It could be the medications you’re taking or other reasons you’re not aware of.

Affirmation: I will get a good night’s sleep!

Coaching questions: If you frequently don’t sleep well, what are you going to do about it? What do you think is causing your sleeplessness?

Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

Do You Feel Free To Make Mistakes?

by Mershon Niesner

May we think of freedom, not as the right to do as we please but as the opportunity to do what is right. Peter Marshall, Chaplain for the US Senate, 1947

In doing research for this 4th of July blog post, I ran across an essay written by an 8th grader, Clarice Neitzel. She begins with “To me, freedom means to be able to learn from my mistakes. If I didn’t have freedom, I would have to do what the top authorities always tell me to do. I don’t have any room for mistakes so it would be harder to learn about life.”

I love this concept. I hope Clarice’s attitude grew out of her parents and teachers allowing her to learn from her mistakes. Clarice concludes her essay with, “Just remember, we are the land of the free and the home of the brave!” Don’t you love the “we are” rather than we “live in”? 

Affirmation: Freedom gives me the opportunity to learn from my mistakes.

Coaching question: What does freedom mean to you? 

Blessed Beyond Measure

by Mershon Niesner

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. Jim Valvano, American basketball player

One of the most important factors that enables a daughter to move forward after the loss of her mother is who remains present for her. When I was a bewildered, motherless, eight-year-old, my dad became my only parent and caregiver. We barely knew one another as he had frequently been absent from my life–first due to active duty in World War II, later when he was recalled to serve in the Korean War. 

Fortunately, my dad stepped up to the task of rearing a daughter by himself. Although this arrangement was practically unheard of in the mid-50’s, he provided a calm, secure, nurturing presence until his death at age ninety-two. I was blessed beyond measure!

Affirmation: I am grateful!

Coaching questions: At the time of loss in your life, who stepped up to help nurture you? What difference did this make in your life? 

The last photo of my parents together, ages 34 and 36, shortly before my mother’s death.

What’s Keeping You From Saying You’re Sorry?

by Mershon Niesner

The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to forget is the happiest. Unknown

Have you recently felt the need to apologize? What are you waiting for? Here are a few tips to help you move along:

—First, remember that you’re apologizing for YOUR part in what happened. Keep the focus on yourself and don’t blame-shift.

—Before you apologize (in person, I hope), write down what the person you’re going to address might be feeling. Just thinking about the other person’s feelings and needs elicits empathy and puts you in a more authentic place for an apology. 

—Allow the person to whom you’re speaking respond without interrupting or defending yourself.

—Let her know you’ve made an effort to understand her viewpoint.

—Don’t expect forgiveness. You’re apologizing to let her know you’re sorry, not to be resolved from your guilt.

—Tell her how you’ll act differently going forward

Affirmation: My apology will show integrity and emotional maturity. 

Coaching questions: Are there people in your life who deserve an apology? What’s keeping you from making one?