Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Considering Saying Yes

by Mershon Niesner

We spend a lot of time hemming and hawing, coming up with reasons we shouldn’t do things, even things that fall under the rubric of “Things We’d Probably Enjoy.” Melissa Kirsch, American author

Sometimes it’s easier to say no to things that are out of our comfort zone, like new adventures, new food, even new people. But what if we looked at new opportunities as a gift rather than an obligation? 

A step to help us move forward after loss is to begin to say yes to things “on offer.” Sometimes saying yes is a decision not a feeling. You may feel like “no” and still say “yes.” You might be surprised where accepting an offer takes you. 

Coaching questions: What will help you move out of your comfort zone and say yes to the next good offer? How might saying yes more often make a difference in your life?  

You Matter!

by Mershon Niesner

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Oprah Winfrey

Now that you no longer have your mother to praise and affirm you, perhaps you feel like you don’t matter. Here are some suggestions from author, Jennifer Wallace who wrote Mattering and Never Enough that may help you turn this feeling around. 

—At the end of the day, take a moment to reflect on one way you contributed to another person and write it down. 

—Start a paper file or a file on your computer where you keep special notes or cards people have written you to say how you mattered to them. 

—Recognize the value in others. As you show strangers or friends that they matter, you’ll begin to feel more like you matter. 

Coaching questions: How will you remind yourself that you matter? Which suggestion above resonates with you? What’s one thing you’ll do to help someone else feel as though they matter today?

Depression Not Always About Loss

by Mershon Niesner

Dealing with depression effectively is a mark not of weakness, but your strength.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Helpline

Do you always assume your sad feelings are a result of your loss?It’s summer and the lethargy you’re feeling may be due to the heat.

Here are a couple of tips to help you feel better: 

  • Just as people who experience SADD (Seasonal Affective Depressive Disorder) schedule a trip to the beach in the winter, consider a trip to the mountains or another cool location for a week this summer.
  • Keep water with you. Even mild dehydration can cause your mood to dip.
  • Check on your sleep. If your sleep is interrupted due to heat or your routine, this too can cause mild depression. 
  • Get back to exercise. If it is too hot for your usual walk, change it up with a trip to the gym. 

I hope these suggestions will help you get back to your happier self. However, if you’re more than mildly depressed, have feelings of hopelessness, or serious insomnia, please seek professional advice. 

Coaching request: Don’t assume, check out other possibilities for your sad feelings. 

Chronic Lateness Is Hazardous To Your Health

by Mershon Niesner

I’m late, I’m late, for a vey important date! No time to say hello, goodbye, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late! The Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland, 1951 Disney film. 

Being perpetually late (time blindness) causes chronic stress, anxiety, and relationship strain, often stemming from poor time estimation or anxiety-driven avoidance.

The constant rush to make up time increases adrenaline and cortisol, keeping your body in a “fight or flight” mode that is taxing over time.

People who are chronically late may experience higher rates of anxiety, poor self-esteem, and lowered self-discipline.

Chronic tardiness can lead to a loss of trust and broken “social contracts” in relationships.

Coaching question: If being late is causing you problems, what’s one thing you’ll change this week? Setting the timer on my phone helps me.

Let Music Lift You Up

by Mershon Niesner

Music can raze out the written troubles of the brain. William Shakespeare

May is always a difficult month for motherless daughters. I have a tiny suggestion on how to improve your mood—listen to music. 

A study in Nature Neuroscience demonstrated that levels of the feel-good chemical dopamine in the brain rose by up to nine percent when people listened to music they enjoyed.

Author Matt Haig, in the book, How to Stop Time, writes,“Music doesn’t get in. Music is already in. Music simply uncovers what is there, makes you feel emotions that you didn’t necessarily know you had inside you, and runs around waking them all up. A rebirth of sorts.” 

Of course, some of these emotions may be sad but that’s okay. Feel the feelings that music brings into your life. 

Coaching questions: How does music make you feel? What genre brings you joy? How can you use music to help you move forward after loss?


Share Your Story

by Mershon Niesner

My mother memories that are closest to my heart are the small gentle ones that I have carried over from the days of my childhood. They are not profound, but they have stayed with me through life, and when I am very old, they will still be near. Margaret Sanger, American nurse and activist

The willingness to share one’s story signals our desire to leave a legacy, to turn our pain into a message of hope for ourselves and others. This is why step one in my ten steps to moving forward after mother loss is important. 

As we share our mother loss stories, we begin, or extend, our journey forward. 

Coaching question: What can you expect from sharing your story? How might the telling impact your present and future?

(Photo is my mother, Winnie, who died at age 34 of leukemia)

Grieving? Turn To The Arts

by Mershon Niesner

Art is a means of union among men (people), joining them together in the same feelings.” Oscar Wilde, Irish poet, playwright, and author

I believe the arts remind us what it means to be human. Music, stories, paintings, dance, and theater help us express joy, grief, hope, and longing.

In times of stress or uncertainty, the arts offer comfort, meaning, and a way to make sense of our experiences.

Coaching request: If grief is getting you down, turn up the music, dance, read a good book, or go to the theater. 

Looking For Love?

by Mershon Niesner

Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author.

After loss, we frequently look to renew love in our lives. We’re longing for connection, acceptance, and peace. These aspects of life don’t begin with another person, they come from within.

Perhaps you need to forgive yourself for not being the perfect caregiver. Maybe it’s learning to listen instead of fixing. Maybe it’s letting go of a grudge that’s grown heavy with time.

Coaching question: How can I BE love today? How can I show myself love and acceptance?

Exchange “Merry” For Contentment

by Mershon Niesner

Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. Arthur Ashe, professional tennis player

If you’re feel lonely, depressed, or joyless this holiday season, you’re not alone. The truth is, sometimes life is difficult—even in December; mostly in December for some.

The trouble comes when we compare our inner reality with everyone else’s highlight reel — the matching pajamas, the picture-perfect family gatherings, the beautifully laid table. Real life is rarely that neat. The truth is, joy isn’t something we can manufacture on command; it’s something that visits when we make room for it.

This year, give yourself permission to step out of the performance and off of the stage. Light one candle instead of ten. Listen to music that soothes rather than jingles. Say yes to what comforts you and no to what drains you. You may find that when you stop chasing “merry,” quiet contentment begins to appear.

Coaching question: What are two ways you can comfort yourself during this time of year? 

Combating Grief With Exercise

by Mershon Niesner

No matter how busy my life gets, if I do nothing else, I lift weights. Maggie Fazeli Fard, Master Fitness Trainer

One way to move beyond grief is to move towards self care. If you’re wondering where to start in prioritizing your fitness training, Maggie Fazeli Fard, Senior Fitness Editor for Experience Life Magazine and a Master Fitness Trainer, recommends you start with strength training.

Maggie writes, “No matter how busy my life gets, if I do nothing else, I lift weights. Why? Because it builds muscle, boosts bone density, improves cardiovascular functioning, balances hormones, inspires creativity and cognitive function, supports mood and mindset, keeps me mobile, and supports healthy aging.”

Weight training sounds like a magic bullet and it’s never to late to get started!

Coaching questions: What are your fitness priorities? How will exercise help you move forward?