Healing Isn’t Forgetting

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. Author unknown.

Two of the most difficult mother loss stories I heard as I interviewed daughters for my book were the stories from daughters whose mothers were murdered by their husbands, the daughters’ step-fathers. When domestic abuse culminates in murder, there is much opportunity for anger, hate, blame, and depression. 

Both of these daughters, one who lost her mother several years ago, the other, very recently, are both moving towards the goal of not allowing the damage of their horrific experience control their lives. They have both sought therapy, asked for support from friends and family, and have been gentle with themselves through their process of grief and healing. One daughter wrote a book entitled, The Third Return, about her mother’s life. Writing the book helped her to move on after the trial of her mother’s killer which lasted over eight years. 

Affirmation: I can heal.

Coaching questions: What negative energy, if any, controls your life? What will help you to take back control?

A Kite Without A String

A girl is like a kite, without her mother’s steady hold on the string, she might just float away, be lost somewhere among the clouds. Kristin Harrah author of The Great Alone

The Great Alone has several themes but the thread that runs through the story is that of an abusive, mentally ill father and husband. Later today I’m interviewing two young women who lost their mothers not to disease or even abandonment but to murder. Their mothers were murdered by their husbands, the daughter’s abusive step-fathers. Mother loss can leave a daughter feeling ungrounded, like a kite floating in space. An “on purpose” death, like murder and suicide, is a whole different dimension.

As I write my book on mother loss, I’m seeing how each daughter “speaks” to every other daughter who has experienced loss. Early mother loss feels especially tragic until one considers the meaning of abandonment or murder. A daughter losing her mother to dementia feels very alone but can appreciate the gift of having her mother for 60 or 70 years, an early loss daughter can hardly contemplate losing her mother “twice”…and so the circle continues.

Affirmation: I  learn from the experience of others.

Coaching questions: What life stories have spoken loudest to you? How have they made a difference in your life? How does your story help others?