Empathy is seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another. Alfred Adler, Austrian medical doctor, psychotherapist, and founder of the school of individual psychology
Adler’s quote beautifully captures the essence of empathy, highlighting the ability to truly understand someone else’s perspective by not just seeing and hearing, but also feeling their emotions. The ability to understand and share the feelings of others is an important aspect of being human. It’s the foundation of acting ethically, for fostering good relationships, and the key to preventing bullying and other forms of cruelty.
When we experience a significant loss, we frequently feel the lack of empathy from those around us. Our feelings may be dismissed or we hear words like, “she’s in a better place” or “you knew this was coming.” If this happens, be your own chief empathizer. Model empathy so that others become more empathetic in the future.
Affirmation: I will give myself empathy and love.
Coaching questions: How well do you empathize with others? What’s one way you can show empathy today? (Your cashier, your server, your angry child?)
The willingness to share our story signals a desire to leave a legacy and to turn pain into a message of hope for others. Mershon Niesner, author
I was recently a guest of Motherless Daughters Ministry for a live zoom interview/podcast. One of the topics we discussed was the importance of telling our stories as motherless daughters.
Why is storytelling important? As stated above, sharing our story can turn pain into a message of hope but it also allows us to keep our memories alive for a lifetime.
Also, if your story is a secret, overtime the secret itself can do more psychological damage than the event.
Affirmation: When appropriate, I will share my mother loss story.
Coaching questions: If you’ve never shared your full story or haven’t shared it in many years, with whom might you confide? What difference do you think sharing your story will make in your life and in the life of the person with whom you’re sharing?
The only limits you have are the limits you believe. Wayne Dyer, author and speaker.
Samuel Clemens, known as Mark Twain, was born on this day in 1835. He’s best known for The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Despite ending his formal schooling after the fifth grade, he’s one of our most beloved American authors.
Baby Clemens arrived prematurely in a two-room shack in Florida, Missouri. He was a frail infant and sickly child, prompting his mother to admit, “When I first saw him, I could see no promise in him.” Little did she know!
The lesson here: You are more than your packaging, your education, your upbringing. You can accomplish great things if you set your mind to it. Never give up or give in.
Affirmation: I can overcome.
Coaching questions: What can you do to overcome limiting factors from your past? What’s one step you will take today?
If you can’t feed a hundred people, just feed one. Mother Teresa
The day after a national election is always difficult for a little less than half of the population. We may feel hopeless and helpless and asking ourselves, “What more could I have done to make a difference? What can I do in the future to make the world a better place?”
Yesterday I sat in the pouring rain (I forgot my jacket) campaigning for someone I believed in for city council. I had done other campaigning for her but yesterday I wasn’t making much of a difference. Most people in the community had already voted and my sign waving was receiving little, if any, attention. I could have gotten out of the rain and gone home. And yet, I stayed. I did it more for myself than for my candidate. I did it because it was one thing I could do. I could “feed one” or possibly influence one person. Just one! I did it to feel less helpless. I needed to DO something.
It’s like the story of the star fish. Hundreds were on the beach dying and a little boy was throwing one back into the ocean. When a man asked him what difference he was making when so many were dying, the little boy pointed toward the sea and said, “I made a difference to that one.”
Affirmation: I can feed one.
Coaching question: How have you taken care of yourself in the past when you’ve felt hopeless or helpless?
Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Samuel Ullman, American businessman and poet
In the new Matlock CBS TV series, 76-year-old Kathy Bates’ character has a line about older women being invisible. She frames it as a super-power. I like that the script is positive about older women but I have my doubts about this being universally true.
For me, aging has been a trade off. As a 79-year-old woman, sometimes I’m forced to recognize my “has been” place in society and my invisibility. For instance, when I’m around young parents I have to come to terms with the fact that they don’t want to know how I handled a two-year-old’s temper tantrum in 1972.
On the other hand, I’m frequently affirmed in my new role as author or how adventuresome I still am. In some circles I’m still visible and viable.
Here’s an observation—I think aging is most difficult for exceptional people. I’ve coached beautiful women about how beauty doesn’t last and the importance of not putting their total identity into how they look. I believe the same is true for people who are exceptional in creative and intellectual pursuits.
Those who are exceptional have more to lose and therefore, may feel the impact of aging more acutely. My “averageness” helps me deal with the impact of aging. Interesting theory don’t you think?
Affirmation: I will remain enthusiastic about my life.
Coaching questions: What has been your experience of aging? What do you do to stay vital and enthusiastic? If your soul is becoming wrinkled, what will you do about it?
Most of us know that the joy-factor is not increased by accumulating money or possessions beyond our needs. So where do we find joy? What experiences, thoughts, and relationships help us live more joyfully?
Here are my top ten:
1. Set goals and complete them. There is something satisfying, if not joy-producing, in crossing a task off a list or completing a goal. We are programmed towards accomplishment and we’re frequently frustrated with procrastination, indecision, and lost dreams. Create a tool to measure your progress in order to appreciate the satisfaction and joy of completion.
2. Add music to your life. It’s difficult to hold on to a frown when enveloped by a rollicking Irish jig or a symphony orchestra. Listening to music elicits joy. Participation by singing, dancing, or playing an instrument heightens the experience.
3. Make something. The click, click of knitting needles, the hum of a sewing machine, the pounding of a nail, the aroma of fresh bread all help us connect to joy. Not only the act of creating a product but being proud of the end result add to our positive feelings.
4. Grow something. Like creating a product; growing a tree, a garden, or an African violet, can bring ongoing satisfaction. Nurturing a growing thing, spending time in nature, admiring the beauty of a plant, all contribute to the joy factor.
5. Give freely. When you give your time, your talents, and/or your money, you’ll give yourself a shot of joy. There is something powerful about giving freely.
6. Get physical. Move your body. Talk a walk, go for a run, have great sex, row a boat, paint your bathroom. There is strong scientific evidence that significant physical movement activates endorphins that make us feel more joyful.
7. Add color. Feeling low? Take off that black dress and put on something colorful. In addition to your clothing, add color to your surroundings with fresh flowers, beautiful art, or a vibrant throw pillow.
8. Connect with friends. Friendship is one of our greatest gifts. Spending time with friends nearly always makes us more joyful. Call an old friend you haven’t spoken to in a while, set a Zoom date with someone who makes you laugh, drop cookies off to a friend who is lonely.
9. Learn how to be your own best friend. People who learn to be their own best friend and embrace time alone, are in possession of a great gift. Learn how to embrace aloneness before you find yourself truly alone.
10. Stretch your mind. Learning something new can be challenging. However, when we embrace that challenge, we usually come away feeling renewed and fulfilled.
There is practically no limit to the possibilities for joy when we look for them. When you are in a state of joy, say thank you as you acknowledge your joyful feelings. This will attract more joy to your life.
Physical fitness is not only one of the most important keys to a healthy body; it is the basis of dynamic and creative intellectual activity. John F. Kennedy, U.S. President
Fall isn’t just the time for new crayons and backpacks. Fall can also be the start of a new you if you’re on the cusp of making the decision to declare exercise a priority.
If you’re looking for motivation, The National Institute on Aging suggests the following five things to get you going:
Find ways to fit exercise into your day.
Do activities you enjoy to make it more fun.
Make it social.
If there’s a break in your routine, quickly get back on track.
Record your progress and reward yourself when you reach your goals.
Here are a few ideas of my own ideas that I’d add to the NIA’s list:
—Make exercise a priority—put exercise on your calendar
—Get some support—consider asking a friend to be an accountability partner, hire a health coach, or a personal trainer
—Anticipate how exercise will make you feel—when I REALLY don’t want to go to the gym, I strike a bargain with myself, “just 10 minutes.” Once I get going, it feels so good I stay for my full routine.
—Just do it! There are some things in life that are so important we need to do them whether we want to or not; changing a baby’s diaper comes to mind along with taking out the garbage, or doing your taxes. For some people (myself included), exercise is like that.
Affirmation: Exercise makes me feel good.
Coaching question: The hard truth is, you need to find the time and motivation to exercise or you’ll likely need to find the time for illness/disability in your future. It’s your choice. When will you start and what’s your first step?
I don’t regret what I’ve been through. I’ve had ups and downs, super highs and some really low lows. I’ve been so blessed that I could never say, ‘I wish this didn’t happen.’ It’s part of who I am. Jennifer Lopez, entertainer
If a genie suddenly appeared in your life, what would you wish for? Like Lopez, I wouldn’t change much. The highs and lows of my life molded me into the less-than-perfect, 79-year old woman I am today.
If you’ve recently experienced loss, however, my guess is you would wish it away. But the inevitable can’t be wished away forever. Even though we wish that our loved ones could have stayed with us longer, all living things come to an end.
Given the chance, I’d wish for world peace, the eradication of cancer, Alzheimer’s and other horrible diseases, and I’m not too crazy about hurricanes. But I choose not to wish my life away. How about you?
Affirmation: I have no regrets.
Coaching questions: If you had three wishes, what would they be? How have you been changed by the ups and downs of your life? What will help you be content with where you are in your life right now?
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it. George Burns, comedian and actor who lived to be 100
According to a recent American Psychological Association (APA) study on stress in America, 76 percent of Americans find that the future of our nation is a significant source of stress, and 66 percent are stressed by the current political climate.
Of course, you can’t make all the political stress go away and you shouldn’t. It’s important to stay informed but mindfulness can help you avoid political burnout.
Here are three tips:
Learn to discern between thoughtful, informative content and stress-inducing, sensationalized material.
Be mindful of your media consumption. Regulate your digital environment by controlling notifications and choose specific times to engage with updates. It’s okay to react late to news!
Connect with individuals who provide a safe space for understanding current events. Sharing what you are thinking and feeling with trusted peers can mitigate the negative effects of stress.
One last thing…do something! Attach labels to postcards, send texts, contribute money, march, buy and wear the t-shirt. Doing something will help you feel empowered.
Affirmation: I have the power to manage my reactions to what is happening in the world around me.
Coaching questions: What tools do you use to manage stress? What’s working, what isn’t working? Adjust accordingly.
Have you ever felt like an imposter or a fraud wondering when you’ll be “found out” or when your true nature will be revealed?
Imposter Syndrome is a real thing frequently experienced by competent women, people who set impossibly high standards for themselves, or those who feel they don’t deserve the accolades and successes they’ve achieved.
Here are a couple of tips to overcoming Imposter Syndrome.
—Secrecy and shame are common denominators. Open up about your feelings to a trusted person.
—Accept compliments and praise. Believe people when they say you did a good job.
—Practice positive self-talk. It’s our “inner gremlin” who sabotages the positive image of ourselves. Push her aside.
Affirmation: I embrace my accomplishments and who I have become.
Coaching questions: In what way have you experienced Imposter Syndrome? What can you say to yourself to affirm who you are and what you’ve accomplished?
Life after losing a mother 