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Living a Black, Gray, and White Life

by Mershon Niesner

Life is full of ups and downs, the only way to make the journey worthwhile is if you enjoy the good and learn from the bad. Natasha Potter, author

Everyday, I wear the bracelet pictured below. It reminds me that life is a mixture of dark days (black bead); regular, everyday days (gray); and extraordinary, awe-filled days (white). 

Elizabeth Horn, my great grandmother, and the main character in the book, The Bootmaker’s Wife, is gifted a similar bracelet by her friend, Angie known as The Bee Lady. The bracelet will reappear in the upcoming prequel, The Bee Lady. 

Why so much emphasis on this bracelet? It reminds me that life is ever-changing. If today feels dark, know that you’ll probably not be stuck there forever and look for the lesson. Conversely, if you’re lucky enough to experience a “white day,” savor the experience, take time to luxuriate in the wonder of whatever made that day special, and be grateful.

Affirmation: I accept the fact that life is ever-changing.

Coaching exercise:  Think of a day that was black, a day that was gray, a day that was white. Truly take in the experience of life in that moment. What did you learn? How did you show appreciation? 

Are You Prone To Toxic Positivity?

by Mershon Niesner

Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway. Mother Teresa

I’m known to be a positive person. In many ways, it’s how I define myself. I even wrote a book about the power of affirmation and another one about how to move forward after loss. People who are constantly “ain’t it awfuling” annoy me, especially when they want me to jump on their bandwagon.

Lately, however, I’m recognizing that there’s a space between constant positivity and the “Ain’t It Awfuls.” It’s called toxic positivity. 

The Psychology Group, a mental health organization in Fort Lauderdale, FL, defines toxic positivity as “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. The process of toxic positivity results in the denial, minimization, and the invalidation of the authentic human emotional experience.”

Recently when I posted on Facebook about being ill, I had a response that I took as recognition for “being real.” Yep, the Queen of Positivity has bad days, gets angry, gets sick, has anxiety, and occasionally feels sad, lonely, and unhappy. 

Trusting that I’ll never become an “Ain’t It Awfuler,” I will strive to be more authentic about how I feel. If it’s true, the next time someone asks how I am, I might just have the courage and feel the freedom to say, “Not so great. Thanks for asking.” 

Affirmation: I will be authentic in my emotional experience.

Coaching questions: What are the signs that you experience toxic positivity? How will you be more authentic?

Celebrating Women Who Tell Our Stories

by Mershon Niesner

A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. Eleanor Roosevelt

March is National Women’s History Month. The 2023 theme is “Celebrating Women Who Tell Our Stories.” This theme recognizes women, past and present, who have been active in all forms of media and storytelling including print, radio, TV, stage, screen, blogs, podcasts, news, and social media.

In 1980, President Jimmy Carter issued the first presidential proclamation declaring the week of March 8 as National Women’s History Week. The U.S. Congress followed suit the next year, passing a resolution establishing a national celebration. Six years later, the National Women’s History Project successfully petitioned Congress to expand the event to the entire month of March.

Affirmation: I will tell my story in order to make a difference in the lives of others.

Coaching question: What’s one way you can share your story or the stories of other heroic women? 

Photo by Christina @ wocintechchat.com on Unsplash

Can You Spare Eight Minutes?

by Mershon Niesner

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

I rarely have a chance to talk with one of my lifetime friends. We’ve lived in differences states since we left our cozy, college dorm room a lifetime ago. Living under a roof with three generations and having scheduled child-minding duty keeps my friend busy. Her time is more limited than mine. The dilemma was carving out regular time to talk. 

With this in mind, I recently read an article about the “8 Minute Phone Call.” It’s hard to say no to just eight minutes. To my delight, and I think her’s as well, we now talk every couple of weeks (always scheduled ahead) for approximately eight minutes. We have found that taking weekly turns works best. In a week, it’s my turn to hold court for eight minutes. I’m already thinking about what I want to talk about and our special time of connecting. 

Affirmation: I will find a way to stay in touch with old friends.

Coaching question: Is there a busy person (could be a daughter with small children) you’d like to reconnect with more often? If the answer is yes, will you consider inviting them to an eight minute call? 

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

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Speaking From the Heart

by Mershon Niesner

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert

February is considered the month of love and National Heart Healthy month. Speaking from the heart (hopefully a healthy one), it’s important to let the people in your life know that you are listening to what they say and hearing what they mean.

Here are ten things people generally love to hear, or questions they like to be asked – IF they are genuine and from the heart. (I thought these were worth repeating from a previous blog)

—I was thinking about you

—What do you think?

—I’m curious about ____, tell me more.

—I’m proud of you! 

—I miss you.

—I am praying for you.

—I really admire _____ about you. 

—I saw this _________ and it reminded me of you.

—Last time we talked you said ________, how’s that going?

—Thanks for being a special friend to me.

Affirmation: I listen.

Coaching question: What will help you think less about what people are thinking about you and more about expressing what you think about others?

When Things Aren’t As They Seem

by Mershon Niesner

Much like love itself, St. Valentine and his reputation as the patron saint of love are not matters of verifiable history, but of faith. Lisa Bitel, Professor of History and Religion

Tomorrow, in the United States and England, people are celebrating Valentine’s Day, known as the day of love. However, Valentine’s Day began as a feast to celebrate the decapitation of a third-century Christian martyr, or perhaps two. St. Valentine wasn’t a patron of love. In fact, there were several Valentinus saints over the years, none of whom were particularly romantic.

According to historians, the romance part started with Chaucer, author of The Canterbury Tales who wrote about birds mating in February. Soon, nature-minded European nobility began sending love notes during bird-mating season. Industrialization took over by mass-producing cards and then Hersey and Cadbury stepped into the picture. And, as they say, the rest is history—or not.

Affirmation: I celebrate love.

Coaching question: How do you handle things that aren’t as they seem? 

Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash

How Good of a Listener Are You?

by Mershon Niesner

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert

February is considered the month of love and National Heart Healthy month. Speaking from the heart (hopefully a healthy one), it’s important to let the people in your life know that you are listening to what they say and hearing what they mean.

Here are ten things people generally love to hear, or questions they like to be asked – IF they are genuine and from the heart. (I thought these were worth repeating from a previous blog)

—I was thinking about you

—What do you think?

—I’m curious about ____, tell me more.

—I’m proud of you! 

—I miss you.

—I am praying for you.

—I really admire _____ about you. 

—I saw this _________ and it reminded me of you.

—Last time we talked you said ________, how’s that going?

—Thanks for being a special friend to me.

Affirmation: I listen.

Coaching question: What will help you think less about what people are thinking about you and more about expressing what you think about others?

Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash

Learning To Say No

by Mershon Niesner

What you don’t do determines what you can do.  Tim Ferriss, author

Why do so many people find it difficult to say no? Here’s a list of possible reasons. See what resonates with you.

—To avoid confrontation. Few people want confrontation in their lives. Saying yes  is a way of appeasing a person who might be confrontational if they hear a no.

—To reduce the Fear of Missing Out. FOMO is a real thing. When we say no to something that we perceive others will say yes to, we activate anxiety caused by FOMO.

—Because we’re accustomed and programmed to saying yes. Without thinking about the consequences, many people immediately say yes when asked to do something then regret it later. A better answer might be, “Let me get back to you.”

—Wanting to please others. Like avoiding confrontation, needing to please others, even at their own expense, causes people to say yes to things they’d rather say no to. 

Affirmation: I will learn to say no when appropriate and pause before saying yes.

Coaching questions: If you have difficulty saying no, consider why. Try delaying your answer when asked to do something. 

Photo by Debby Urken on Unsplash

Who Will You Compliment Today?

by Mershon Niesner

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. Leo Buscaglia, American author

When was the last time you received a compliment? When was the last time you gave a compliment? Perhaps it’s been too long. Research shows you can reliably increase your personal well-being by engaging in random acts of kindness toward others. Paying a compliment is one free and easy way to do this. And since this is National Compliment Day, it’s the perfect time to start. 

Compliments benefit the giver and the receiver. As Buscaglia suggests, an honest compliment has the potential to turn a life around. In addition, while your compliment is making a person feel good, it’s also making others want to be around you. In fact, giving compliments is a form of leadership and influence, because people love to be around positive people, and will be more likely to follow your example and listen to your ideas.

Affirmation: I will give at least two sincere compliments today.

Coaching questions: How graciously do you receive compliments? How easily do you give compliments? Examine how the two may be related. 

Photo by Kumpan Electric on Unsplash

Will We “Parish Together As Fools”?

by Mershon Niesner

What we are facing today is the fact that through our scientific and technological genius we’ve made of this world a neighborhood. And now through our moral and ethical commitment we must make of it a brotherhood. We must all learn to live together as brothers (and sisters)—or we will all perish together as fools. Martin Luther King, Jr. 1965 at Oberlin College

Where are we fifty-eight years after MLK, leader of the American civil rights movement, made this statement? If you Google MLK Day 2023, the first pages tell you what’s closed on this federal holiday. Scrolling down a ways, it does say, “On this day we celebrate the life and achievements of Martin Luther King Jr, an influential American civil rights leader.” 

Then there’s several more pages of what’s open and what’s closed. Finally, handsontwincities.org/mlkday2023 talks about how the day encourages us to volunteer to improve and strengthen our communities, bridge divisions, address social problems and move closer to Dr. King’s vision. Yes! I want to be prompted to make a difference—never mind that Walmart will remain open.

Affirmation: On this federal holiday I will make a commitment to do something that empowers others.

Coaching questions: What does Martin Luther King Day mean to you? How will you acknowledge this day?

Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C.  showing Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. and Mathew Ahmann in a crowd.