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Good Grief

by Mershon Niesner

Grief is the reminder of the depth of our love. Gordon Wheeler, psychologist

In one of my all-time favorite books, The Book of Joy, the Dalai Lama says, “Sadness and grief are, of course, natural human responses to loss, but if your focus remains on the loved on you have just lost, the experience is less likely to lead to despair. In contrast, if your focus while grieving remains mostly on yourself–‘What am I going to do now? How can I cope?’–then there is a greater danger of going down the path of despair and depression. So much depends on how we respond to our experience of loss and sadness.”

The motherless daughters I talk to that seem to have made the adjustment to their loss, more frequently talk about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short….rather than all they have lost because of her death. In some measure, both conversations are appropriate, of course, but focusing on the former seems to lead to more joy and less long term depression and grief.  Even by her death, my mother gave me a greater sense of independence, the heart-felt knowledge that death is a part of life, the ability to be more empathetic to those who have had loss.

Affirmation: My grief is healing.

Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?

Hamilton

by Mershon Niesner

The show is proof that history remembers/ We live through times when hate and fear seem stronger/ We rise and fall and light from dying embers, remembrances that hope and love last longer.  Lin-Manuel Miranda, a sonnet from his Tony acceptance speech for Hamilton.

I plan to see the musical Hamilton this summer in Chicago. My 13- year-old granddaughter, Tuscany, is a complete Hamilton fan. She and her friends dressed up like characters from Hamilton for Halloween. She’s my inspiration to attend. I’m taking her…shhh, its a secret.

Hamilton is set in a time of bitter political rivalry but it is a story of patriotism and hope. In an interview with Oprah, Miranda said, “And the most important gift you can give your kids is empathy. It’s the number one tool in an artist’s toolbox. You can’t create art if you can’t understand what someone else has been through and then try to articulate it.”

Affirmation: I am empathetic

Coaching question: What’s one way you can be more empathetic towards those around you?

 

Burrowing Owls

by Mershon Niesner

“The pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that, knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn’t come apart.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander

I took a short walk after dinner last night to check out the burrowing owl pair I had discovered a few weeks ago to see if there were any babies or owlets. When I approached the burrow, the male, about the size of a large robin, was sitting on a perch keeping watch and he hissed at me in warning. Apparently he decided I was harmless as his mate soon appeared. They watched me; I watched them.

This interaction reminded me of how lovely it is to have someone watching over you; protecting you; keeping an eye on your back. Early on, this is the role of a parent, later a friend or a spouse. Perhaps it is your dog who gives you comfort and watches out for you. One of the things we grieve when someone dies, or is lost in another way, is this sense of protection.

Affirmation: I am secure.

Coaching questions: From where does your protection or sense of security come? If you feel less than secure, what’s a step your can take to change this?

It’s About Attitude, Baby!

by Mershon Niesner

“The way we see the world is the way we experience the world.” Sonja Lyubomirsky, Psychologist as quoted from The Book of Joy

I’m a naturally positive person. My friend, Bev, says I have a “joy gene.” Sometimes my joy gene presents an unpopular view. A person in my writing critique group read a section of my upcoming book and said, “I’d never buy this book…it’s too positive.” That gave me a little pause..then it I dug in deeper.  Even as a teenager I was told by a camp counselor once that “life will catch up with you sometime.” In other words, she was saying that someday my joy would be eclipsed by life events. Well, folks, I’m happy to say…it hasn’t happened it yet.

According to Susan Cain, author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts, “If you’ve interpreted the events of your life to mean that you’re innately unlucky or unwise, then its hard to look optimistically at the future. Conversely, if you acknowledge the you’ve made mistakes and faced difficulties but seek (or have already glimpsed) redemption, you’ll feel a much greater sense of agency over your life (and your future).”

Affirmation: I am joy-filled.

Coaching questions: How do you see the world? How is that working for you?

Count Your Blessings

by Mershon Niesner

“It happened in New York, April 10th, nineteen years ago. Even my hand balks at the date. I had to push to write it down, just to keep the pen moving on the paper. It used to be a perfectly ordinary day, but now it sticks up on the calendar like a rusty nail.” Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

Losing a mother at any age or stage of life is difficult. I talked to a friend who recently lost her 98 year old mother. She said, “She had lived a full life, we knew we were losing her but after she died, it was still a shock, still difficult.” As sad as it is, having a mother much of your life is surely a gift…as my friend acknowledged.

Allie, a young woman I interviewed for my book, is losing her mother to early onset Alzheimer’s. Her mother was 47 when she was diagnosed, Allie was 11, her sister was 9. Eight years later, Allie’s mother is in memory care and has lost many functions. I’m happy to say that Allie, after spending her high school years as a part time care giver, is now a thriving, well adjusted college student. But… to gradually lose a mother throughout your adolescence and early adulthood is a cruel blow. It makes me want to “count my blessings.”

Affirmation: I am emotionally strong.

Coaching questions: What blessings haven’t you counted lately? Take a moment right now and name five.

 

Evaluating

by Mershon Niesner

“Too often we let days and months slip by without stopping to examine how things are really going in our lives.” Bahram Akradi, Founder, Chairman, CEO of Life Time Fitness

Successful business women  evaluate objectives and outcomes in their business on a regular basis. Corporations do the same. But do we do this in our personal lives or do we  bump along day in and day out taking things as they come without considering where we are going? Taking a few minutes daily, weekly or monthly to consider where you are in your life, where you’re going, and what kind of impact you’re having on the world around you can be a valuable use of time.

My friend who lost her husband nearly a year ago evaluates her grieving progress in terms of three steps forward, two steps backward. Sometimes she is able to label what those steps are. It helps her see progress and know that joy is slowly but surely returning to her life.

Affirmation: I am moving forward.

Coaching questions: What would evaluating the objectives and outcomes in your personal life look like for you? What difference might it make?

Hard Truths

by Mershon Niesner

“Tell the truth, work hard, and come to dinner on time.” Gerald R. Ford

Julie Yip-Williams (see her story on CBS Sunday Morning, see her blog – “My Cancer Fighting Journey”), a young woman with daughters 6 and 8, died recently after a hard fought battle with colon cancer. Her bog inspired my blog. She was brutally honest about her disease, her upcoming death, and what this meant to her family. She prepared her daughters as best she could. Her story is compelling and I’m inspired by her hard truth telling.

When I speak with motherless daughters, so many recount stories of how the “C-Word” was never mentioned before or after their mother died. In some cases, the mother wasn’t talked about after her death. Daughters tell me that these non-truth telling circumstances became even more damaging to them than the fact of their mother’s death.

Affirmation: I have the courage to tell hard truths.

Coaching questions: What hard truths are not shared in your family? What is that costing you? How did your family handle the hard truth of your mother’s death? What difference did that make in your life?

Expecting the Unexpected

by Mershon Niesner

“No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.” Julius Caesar

It is April 9th in the Chicago area and it is snowing…somewhat unexpected…especially for this Florida gal. It was August 10th when my presumably healthy husband of 10 months, age 53, dropped dead of a heart attack. Extremely unexpected! However, after losing a mother at age 8, I think I grew up “expecting the unexpected”…at least more so than the average person.

Jamais Cascio, author and futurist, says, “Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” Perhaps this  resilience is one positive outcome for those of us who have experienced early loss.

Affirmation: I can handle the unexpected.

Coaching questions: How do you handle the unexpected? What will help you develop greater resilience for the surprises life brings?