Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author
When my late husband, Keith, literally dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of fifty three, I experienced first hand the “great and sudden change” Shelley is talking about. This year, we will all experience change–hopefully not great and sudden but one never knows. Basic self-care practices—good sleep, healthy food, exercise, taking breaks— can help you navigate future change more smoothly.
“Start making small changes when you’re not stressed,” says psychiatrist Henry Emmons, MD, author of The Chemistry of Calm. “Think of it like exercise. If you’re trying to get in shape, you don’t try to do a month’s worth of workouts in one day.”
The same is true when training yourself to deal with the stress response. The more you learn how to calm your mind when your stress is small, the better prepared you will be for the big change that will inevitably come your way.
Affirmation: I am ready for change.
Coaching questions: Consider how well you handle change. What will you do to prepare yourself now to handle change more effectively in the future? What difference might it make?
More smiling, less worrying. More compassion, less judgment. More blessed, less stressed. More love, less hate. Roy T Bennett, author
Are you striving to replicate the perceived “perfect” Christmas of your childhood for your grand children? Perhaps you want to impress your in-laws or not be judged by them. Maybe good-enough just doesn’t measure up to your personal desire to control the situation and make everything exactly right.
It’s that time of the month to ask yourself, “What can I let go of?” Do I really have to make Aunt Susie’s rum balls? Who will I disappoint if I don’t? Accept the reality of not pleasing everyone so you can take care of yourself during this busy time. Loosen your attachment to an idealized past and create a good-enough holiday. Yourself will thank you and so will your children or grandchildren when you’re present for them and not a stress-out mess!
Affirmation: I can accept good-enough.
Coaching questions: If you’re stressed out right now, consider what you might delete from your activities, menu, gift-giving. What does a good-enough holiday look like?
It turns out what you watch, read, listen to and play can affect your mood, temper, and even how generous and kind you are to others afterwards. Elaine Shpungin Ph.D., founder of Conflict 180
If you are coping with significant change in your life, you may want to consider going on a media diet. Maybe you’re a fan of violent or dramatic games or shows. During a time of transition—the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss—when your emotions are close to the surface, you might opt for comedy instead.
According to research by the Mayo Clinic, laughter calms the stress response and releases endorphins. Also consider your social media exposure. Although you may receive support from your friends via social media, managing your own feelings can be difficult enough without comparing yourself to others.
Affirmation: I take note of my media habits.
Coaching questions: How is your media consumption affecting your actions or mood? If changes are needed, what steps will you take this week?
When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself. Paulo Coelho, Brazilian lyricist and novelist.
One of the important lessons I taught my clients when I was their Life Coach was how to say, “no.” So much of the stress, anger, and anguish of our lives comes from our inability, particularly as women, to say no to the requests made of us that we know will put us over the top or are requests to do something we don’t want to do. Having a list of no-phrases can be helpful. Here you go:
I’d love to but I’m just not able to right now—Thanks, but my schedule is full— I know you need help with that project but I just can’t fit it in right now—Maybe another time—Thanks for thinking of me.
If these lovely responses fail, and the assailant won’t give up, sometimes you just have to say, “Is there something you don’t understand about my answer?” Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that but hold your ground. Your sanity and the possibility of living a tranquil, or at least not insane, life depends on it. You’re worth it.
Affirmation: I can say no.
Coaching questions: What is your response to a request to which you don’t want to comply? Is it working? If not, practice saying no then the next time you need to be strong you’ll be prepared.
The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived. Robert Jordan, American author
Whether you’re recovering from the loss of your mother or another loved one, it’s times like these you must draw on your ability to be resilient. Resiliency is the capacity to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or extreme stress. I found daughters who demonstrated resilience generally had these six traits in common. In addition, many resilient daughters called on their faith in God to sustain them.
1. The ability to sustain supportive relationships with family and friends.
2. A strong self-image and confidence in their strengths.
3. The ability to accept change as a part of living and didn’t see crisis as insurmountable.
4. Good communication and problem solving skills.
5. Practiced healthy self care.
6. Built on their past experiences and trusted that what they had survived made them stronger.
Another way to build resiliency is to anticipate difficult times like holidays, birthdays, THE anniversary, weddings. Acknowledging your feelings of sadness during these special times will help you move forward.
Affirmation: I am resilient.
Coaching questions: If you’re just learning to flex your resiliency muscle, what traits do you need to work on? What will you do today to build resiliency for the future?
Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. God opens millions of flowers every day without forcing their buds. Osho, Indian godman and leader (1931-1990)
If you know me, you know I’m generally a stress-free person. Balance and order have always been important to me mostly because I really don’t like to feel stressed. But last week several events caused stress to catch up with me. Everything that was stressing me turned out to be just fine. Just like the quote, the buds turned to flowers despite my stressing over them.
This experience reminded me to: Let go and let God, breathe, stay in the present, and organize the best you can then allow events to unfold as they will.
Affirmation: I will let go.
Coaching questions: What helps you combat the inevitable stressors of life? How’s that working out for you? If you’re living with more stress that you’d like to, what steps can you take to learn how to deal with the stress or eliminate the stressors?
The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived. Robert Jordan, author, The Fires of Heaven, part of the Wheel of Time series
Resilience is the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; a rubber band. In a person, resiliency is the capacity to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or extreme stress. Why are some people more resilient than others and how can one learn to be more resilient?
People who demonstrate resilience generally have these traits in common: Ability to sustain supportive relationships with family and friends, a strong self-image and confidence in their strengths; they accept that change is a part of living and don’t see crisis as insurmountable. Developing your communication and problem solving skills while practicing good self care will also help to enhance your resilience. Build on your past experiences…trust that what you have survived has made you stronger.
Affirmation: I am resilient.
Coaching questions: What can you do now that will make you more resilient when crisis develop? How have you shown resilience in the past? What did that experience teach you?