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How Being a Motherless Daughter Helped Me Adapt to a COVID World

by Mershon Niesner

It is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most intelligent. It is the one that is most adaptable to change. Charles Darwin, English naturalist, geologist and biologist

As an eight-year-old who suddenly found herself without a mother, I adapted. I got to know and love my dad, learned to accept my motherless status, became independent and resourceful. 

Like my early days as a motherless child, I was miserable during the first few weeks after my life was hijacked by COVID-19. I told myself, however, that because I had learned resilience and adaptability at an early age and beyond, I had the tools to adapt. I had faith that I would rebound and I did. 

Do I love staying at home, not seeing my kids and grands, not going to church, lunching with friends or eating food cooked by others? No! Have I adapted to my new-normal and found interesting and creative ways to “do” life? Yes! My early days of learning adaptability are serving me.

Affirmation: I know how to adapt to change.

Coaching questions: How are you adapting to the new-normal? How are your past life experiences serving you during this time? What have you learned? 

Photo by Evgeni Tcherkasski on Unsplash

I Did It Badly, Slowly, Fearfully

by Mershon Niesner

Do it badly; do it slowly; do it fearfully; do it any way you have to, but do it. Steve Chandler, Author of Reinventing Yourself: How to Become the Person You’ve Always Wanted to Be

In the beginning, I did it badly. Just ask my editor, Elena Hartwell. But then I rewrote and rewrote again. I did it slowly—it took me three years. I did it fearfully. Believe me, revealing dark corners of my life then sending them into the world is my definition of fear. But I did it! I published Mom’s Gone, Now What? on my 75th birthday. 

I was called to write this book in order to make a difference in the lives of daughters who have lost their mothers. I had to do it any way I could!

Affirmation: I did it!

Coaching questions: What do you want to do? What are you afraid of doing? What do you think you do badly but want to do anyway? Follow Chandler’s advice, “Do it any way you have to, but do it!” 

Being Thankful for Helpers

by Mershon Niesner

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ Mister Rogers

Mister Rogers’s mother knew that if her son acknowledged the helpers he would feel calmer about the tragedy, knowing that someone was there to take control and put order to the chaos. It’s no wonder it is comforting for people to acknowledge health care workers and other helpers in this time of crisis. 

As I talk with daughters who lost their mother to death, abandonment or Alzheimer’s, the trajectory of their grief is often changed by the helpers who show up. The support and love of an older brother or sister, a grandmother, neighbor, friends in support groups, hospice worker, or a loving dad, can calm the chaos of the moment and become helpers in their lives.

Affirmation: I’m thankful for the helpers in my life.

Coaching questions: Who are the helpers in your life? How do they a difference? How do you show up as a helper for others? What difference do you make?

Photo by Georg Arthur Pflueger on Unsplash

The Gift of Silence

by Mershon Niesner

The fruit of silence is prayer, The fruit of prayer is faith, The fruit of faith is love, The fruit of love is service, The fruit of service is peace. Saint Mother Theresa, nun and missionary

Is there more silence in your life than usual? There sure is in mine! I used to be one of those people who left the house everyday attending meetings, gathering with friends, being a part of various groups. My life was anything but silent. But now, with silence permeating my life, I have a better chance to hear the birds sing in the morning and the frogs at night, the ticking of the clock, and “the still small voice” within. 

As Mother Teresa suggests, faith, love, service and, finally, peace all begin with silence. Let’s embrace this time of expanded silence and perhaps we too will hear “the still small voice” of God more clearly. 

Affirmation: I embrace the silence.

Coaching questions: How are you coping with fewer activities and more silence? Is the idea of “the still small voice” within meaningful to you (see 1 Kings 19:12 for more information)? What can you do to embrace the silence? 

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

by Mershon Niesner

Education is the key that unlocks the golden door to freedom. George Washington Carver, American scientist

I have a great deal of empathy right now for educators and others who are responsible for making decisions regarding school this fall. They are truly between a rock and a hard place. No matter which way they turn there are sizable physical, emotional, and educational risks. The loss of classroom eduction so far this year has already been catastrophic especially for children who have no internet connection, no one supervising them, live in an abusive environment, have no quiet space to learn and little motivation when the teaching medium is virtual. This doesn’t even take into account the loss of food programs children receive at school.

According to Unesco, the education of nearly 1.6 billion pupils in 190 countries has so far been affected—that’s 90 percent of the world’s school-age children! The result of children not receiving a proper education takes away their key to future freedom. And yet—lives are at stake. I’m praying for our leaders. 

Affirmation: Education is freedom.

Coaching question: How are decisions about education affecting you and the children you care about?

Photo by Yannis H on Unsplash

Looking for Joy?

by Mershon Niesner

Find the place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain. Joseph Campbell, American Professor of Literature

Do you ever wake up and wonder where the joy went? If you’ve recently experienced a severe loss, perhaps you’re frequently asking yourself this question. Although I’m naturally a joyful person, lately, as I continue to live my life at home, I often wonder where the joy went.  At these times, I pause, look inside and find where the joy is hiding. I trust that it’s still in there.

I believe that during challenging periods of our lives, it’s natural to experience dark days, literally and figuratively. Dark or not, I’m determined to remain grateful for everyday no matter what it brings knowing that eventually the joy will burn out the pain.

Affirmation: I am grateful for everyday.

Coaching question: What gives you joy? How do you handle days that are joy-less? 

Freedom is Never Free

by Mershon Niesner

Freedom cannot be bestowed—it must be achieved. Elbert Hubbard, American writer

Tomorrow, those of us who live in the USA will celebrate the anniversary of our nation’s independence. For the last 244 years, the cost of freedom was frequently borne by men and women who served in the military and those who supported them. Today, more than ever before, each of us must share in the cost of our future freedom as we take responsibility for one another in this time of global pandemic.

I’m wearing a mask in public, social distancing, not attending large events or meetings, eliminating travel and much more in order to ensure freedom, including good health, for myself and others in the future. I’m looking forward to reuniting with my family, singing together in church, eating in a restaurant, showing off my smile. But I know that freedom is not bestowed and it is never free. Freedom must be achieved.

Affirmation: I am willingly to pay the price for future freedom.

Coaching questions: How much are you wiling to pay for the future freedom of yourself, friends/family and countrymen? Consider the price others have paid as you celebrate our nation’s birthday. 

Photo by Spenser Sembrat on Unsplash

Shut Up and Dance!

by Mershon Niesner

Getting physical and improving is how we can continue to thrive among the living. Twyla Tharp, choreographer

In her new book, Keep It Moving, renowned choreographer, Twyla Tharp, 79, gives readers a piece of her mind writing, “Shut up and dance!” She goes on to write, “With the time you’ve got choose to make your life bigger. Opt for expression over observation, action instead of passivity, risk over safety, and unknown over familiar.” In other words, make the most of your life. 

One of the ten steps to help daughters move forward after mother loss in my upcoming book, Mom’s Gone, Now What?, is “Stir Up Your Creativity.” Another step is “Take Care of Yourself.” As we take these steps, we embrace what Tharp is suggesting—express yourself, be active, take a risk, and “shut up and dance!”

Affirmation: I am creative and take care of my body.

Coaching question: What risk, action, expression will you take to expand your life and make it bigger?

Photo by Laura Fuhrman on Unsplash

Angry Feelings Getting You Down?

by Mershon Niesner

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him. Booker T. Washington, author, educator, advisor to Presidents

Do you have a kindling pile of angry feelings just waiting to be set off? I believe it’s safe to say most everyone’s kindling piles are at an all-time high right now. As our pile grows higher, it takes less and less for it to ignite into a huge conflagration. The first step to reducing our pile is to recognize and own up to our angry feelings. Here area a few other tips:

  1. Write down everything that’s on your kindling pile. Be specific. Name what is making you angry, who is making you angry, disturbing  circumstances that are out of your control, things that have been done to you, things you have done to others. 
  2. Now, switch gears and take a moment to recall when you recently reached out to another or someone reached out to you in a positive and loving way. Remind yourself how you felt in these moments.
  3. If step two brought you some peace, go back to your kindling list. Is there any action you can take this week that will mitigate something on your list? Perhaps writing a letter to your Congressman, de-friending someone who is posting lies, or having a heart-to-heart with a loved one.
  4. Take what is left on the pile and spread it out in an imaginary field of love. This isn’t accepting or excusing what is bad or wrong, it’s just recognizing that lasting change comes through love—love for ourselves, each other, our country, and our world. 

Affirmation: I accept and process my angry feelings.

Coaching question: What’s making you angry? What’s one step you will take this week to mitigate a piece of your anger? What are you grateful for? What’s love got to do with it?

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

NOT Being a Racist is NOT Enough

by Mershon Niesner

White privilege is an absence of the consequences of racism. An absence of structural discrimination, an absence of your race being viewed as a problem first and foremost. Reni Eddo-Lodge, author

White Privilege in the United States doesn’t mean your life isn’t hard, can’t be hard, or was never hard. It means the color of your skin will never be a factor in what’s causing your difficulties. I’ve only recently come to embrace the fact that simply not being a racist isn’t enough. I must fight against racism when I see it.

As a Caucasian living in a world of White Privilege, I need to begin to recognize systems that are hurting or hindering people due to the color of their skin. I need to stay focused on their plight and make my voice heard.

Affirmation: I’m awake to the plight of others.

Coaching questions: If you’re Caucasian, consider what White Privilege means in your life? If you are a person of color, help your white friend or colleague understand what not being white in the U.S. has meant in your life?