Life after losing a mother

Why Not All About Death and Dying?

March 7, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim. Vicki Harrison, author

You might wonder why a blog called motherloss isn’t all about dying mothers, distressed daughters, or grief. First of all, if that were the case, Dear Reader, I’m sure I would have lost you long ago. Second, I believe that recovery is the focus of any mother loss discussion. Third, recovery is lifelong and all about learning to, once again, live life to the fullest.

For these three reasons, this motherloss blog is about a variety of topics, including grief recovery. As I approach my 365th consecutive blog post, I’m planning to scale back my daily communication. However, I still plan to blog a few days a week on topics related to life; life full and running over. I hope you’ll stick with me. Let me know what’s important to you. Ask questions. Go to the blog site and become a follower. I’m looking forward to another year together.

Affirmation: I strive to live life to the fullest.

Coaching questions: Has this blog been meaningful to you? If it has, please let me know what topics were most important and what might be helpful or interesting in the future. How do you define recovery?

Photo by J W on Unsplash

What Are the Ashes All About?

March 6, 2019March 6, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

You are dust, and to dust you shall return. Genesis 2:7

Today, many Christians throughout the world are celebrating Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Lent is a time when Christians prepare for Easter by exercising spiritual discipline such as fasting, repentance, or study. Ash Wednesday has been observed since the tenth century.

Some denominations place ashes in the form of the cross on parishioners’ foreheads. Ashes are an ancient symbol reminding humans that they are of dust and will return to dust. Through the ashes, we remember our humanity as well as who we are and who we can become.

Affirmation: I affirm those who exercise their faith.

Coaching questions: If you’re a Christian, what does the season of Lent mean to you? If you are not a Christian, I hope this information expanded your understanding of the Lenten season.

Photo by Ahna Ziegler on Unsplash

What Kind of Mother Are You?

March 5, 2019March 5, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

By not paying attention to your body, you are putting it in the same predicament as a neglected child. Deepak Chopra, author

I’ve been writing the story of a friend who was disregarded and emotionally neglected as a child. Mother loss has many faces. Through perseverance, therapy, and a “never give up” spirit, she overcame many of her emotional scars. As I thought about her experiences, I started wondering about the little girl/boy inside us all.

What is that child telling us? When we neglect our bodies by overeating/drinking, not giving our body proper exercise, enough sleep, and limited quiet time, we are neglecting the child within. How our parents took care of us, or how we wish they had taken care, is how we need to take care of ourselves.

Affirmation: I take care of the child within.

Coaching question: If I interviewed your child within, what would he/she say?

Photo by Humphrey Muleba on Unsplash

Throwing Spaghetti

March 4, 2019March 4, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

If you are faced with a mountain, you have several options. You can climb it and cross to the other side, you can go around it, you can dig under it, you can fly over it, you can blow it up, you can ignore it and pretend it’s not there, you can turn around and go back the way you came….or, you can stay on the mountain and make it your home. Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

When I was training to be a Life Coach we had the expression, “Sometimes you have to throw spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks.” Not a pleasant visual but I love the metaphor.

First, life is messy. Second, success comes from trying a variety of options to discover what works best. Third, have fun along the way. And last, clean up the messes you make.

Affirmation: I will throw spaghetti.

Coaching questions: What decision do you need to make that requires looking at options? What will you try to see if it sticks?

Photo by Heather Ford on Unsplash

Creating Happy Days

March 3, 2019March 3, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be. Abraham Lincoln

Today is my husband’s birthday. I wish him good health and happiness for the coming year. What does that mean exactly? We get the health part but what about happiness? Some think happiness is something we can use up. Others think happiness is the result of more…more money, more fame, more stuff. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Contentment or happiness is the result of many things including our environment, habits, behaviors, and decisions. It is also the result of learning to create a good day for ourselves. As we consistently choose to be happy, the amount of happiness we experience can improve over time and we will be better able to address problems as they arise. Happy Birthday, Ken!

Affirmation: I know how to create a good day for myself.

Coaching questions: What makes you happy? How do you create your own happiness? What will you do to bring more happiness into your life?

Photo by Christopher Martyn on Unsplash

On Openness and Honesty

March 2, 2019March 2, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything. C.S. Lewis, author

Death and dying are difficult topics to discuss but honest discussion is critical for our well being. As I interviewed women who had lost their mothers, one of the most important recovery factors was honesty from the father and other caregivers. Secret-keeping was one of the most destructive.

Darcy Krause, Executive Director at Uplift Center for Grieving Children, writes, “Clinicians consistently emphasize the importance of relaying accurate, honest information to a child about a parent or loved one’s illness in terms the child can understand developmentally. This lays the groundwork for the child’s healthy grief processing.”

Perhaps you experienced the damaging affects of secret-keeping. Now, it’s your turn. You can change this destructive family dynamic and have open dialogue with your loved ones on this important topic.

Affirmation: I speak opening about death and dying.

Coaching questions: What’s your experience around death and dying discussions? How were/are you affected? What do you want to change (if anything)? How might open dialogue make a difference in your family?

Photo by Abi Lewis on Unsplash

Celebrating Women

March 1, 2019February 28, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

A woman is like a tea bag—you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water. Eleanor Roosevelt

March is National Women’s History Month. The 2019 theme is “Visionary Women: Champions of Peace & Nonviolence.” This year women will be honored who have led efforts to end war, violence, and injustice and pioneered the use of nonviolence to change society.

For generations, women have resolved conflicts in their homes, schools, and communities. They have rejected violence as counterproductive while stressing the need to restore respect and justice. In addition, they have given voice to the unrepresented and hope to victims of violence and those who dream of a peaceful world. Let’s celebrate these visionary women and strive to become one.

Affirmation: I am a woman with vision and the ability to make a difference in the world

Coaching question: What’s one thing you will do this month to be a champion of peace and nonviolence? Let me know how it goes.

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Are You Hungry?

February 28, 2019February 28, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

To be able to look back upon ones life with satisfaction, is to live twice. Khalil Gibran, writer

Have you ever asked yourself, What am I hungry for? We do this all the time when it comes to dinner but what about your life? Are you hungry for more fun, creative expression, time in nature, solitude, sleep? If you’re a new mother, perhaps it’s all of the above.

Sit for a moment and consider the question. Then, select one thing for which you yearn and take small steps toward it. Start with just five or ten minutes a day pursuing something new that gives you satisfaction. You’ll be rewarded.

Affirmation: I know how to satisfy my internal hunger.

Coaching questions: What are you hungry for? What are you willing to do in the next few days to begin satisfying that hunger? What difference will it make in your life?

Photo by Paula Smith on Unsplash

Who Cares About Polar Bears?

February 27, 2019February 27, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

There’s no doubt that as the sea ice declines more and more bears are going to starve to death. Steven Amstrup, chief scientist for Polar Bears International

Today is International Polar Bear Day, a day set aside to consider the plight of polar bears internationally in the wake of man-made climate change. According to experts, the only solution for the long-term survival of the polar bear is to address climate change.

Even though polar bears are only active thirty-five percent of the day and resting for the remainder, they burn an average of 12,325 calories a day. They are like big cats, predatory carnivores with high energy metabolisms. Seals are their primary source of calories. Amstrup’s study projected that continued decline in sea ice would reduce the global population of bears by two thirds by 2050. You may not care about polar bears, but what’s happening to them is a symptom of all of nature including our children and grandchildren.

Affirmation: I care about nature.

Coaching questions and request: Is the climate crisis important to you? What can you do to make a difference? Become informed by the scientific community.

Photo by Alexandra Rose on Unsplash

Reconnecting With Ourselves and Others

February 26, 2019February 26, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Humans have an incredible capacity to deal with stress and pain and trauma. What we can’t cope with is not truly connecting with ourselves and our community. Sarah Wilson, author

In an age when busy is better and technology rules, we frequently have little time for quiet contemplation or real connection with others. As much as I enjoy the connection Facebook and other technology offers, there’s nothing as rewarding as talking face to face with a dear friend.

Most afternoons around four o’clock, I end the busy-ness of my day and take time to read in a quiet, comfortable place. Sometimes, I do nothing and just think. I reconnect with myself and calm the beast that drives me.

Affirmation: I make an effort to connect to myself and my community.

Coaching questions: What’s keeping you from truly connecting with yourself and your friends? What’s one thing you’ll do today to resolve this dilemma?

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash