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KISS

by Mershon Niesner

Live simply so that others may simply live. Mother Teresa

We’ve all heard about the KISS system of living…Keep It Simple, Stupid. We live in a complex, complicated age. Although, people in every age probably had the same thought, “A wheel? Why do you want to complicate our life with a contraption like that!?”

Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper fame have launched yet another project, Magnolia Journal, a lovely magazine that has their Magnolia Manifesto in each copy. I quote only part of it here, “We believe that newer isn’t always better and that there is something inherently good in hard work. We believe that it’s time for the pendulum of trend to swing back to the basics. We believe in subtle beauty, the kind that doesn’t deteriorate with age or wear.” They go on to talk about the importance of family, life balance, courage to try new things, and learning from our mistakes.

I too believe that “stuff” isn’t what makes life fulfilling. For me, it is family, friends, faith, a sense that we are making a difference…simple things that take a lifetime to cultivate. Sometimes, if there is a hole in our hearts, we try to fill it with stuff…in my experience, this doesn’t work.

Affirmation: I  strive to live simply so others may simply live.

Coaching questions: In what ways are you unnecessarily complicating your life? If you pared down the “stuff” what difference would it make? Are you accumulating stuff in order to fill an empty space in your heart?

You’re Not Alone

by Mershon Niesner

We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel–“Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel.” You’re not as alone as you thought. John Steinbeck, author, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature

Since I’ve started interviewing women who have lost their moms through death, abandonment, or dementia, I’ve often said that even if I never write this book (which I am and I will), it has been worth it. Why? Because nearly every woman I have spoken with says its wonderful to be heard by someone who understands. Several share experiences they have never talked about before. There are tears and there’s laughter. Nearly all 50, so far, have said that they felt less alone after sharing their story.

When I share part of my journey with them they say, “Yes, that’s how I felt too!” We both feel less alone, less separate, less different, more understood. It makes it so worth it!

Affirmation: I am heard and understood.

Coaching questions: With whom can you share a healing story? What would that story be? What difference might it make?

Lost But Not Gone

by Mershon Niesner

The struggle of my life created empathy – I could relate to pain, being abandoned, having people not love me. Oprah Winfrey

As difficult as it is to lose a mother to death or Alzheimer’s, I have found, in talking with motherless daughters, that being abandoned by a mother is the most difficult loss of all. Abandonment means there are unresolved issues and questions like, “Was I not good enough?” “Was I not lovable enough?” For those of us who are mothers, we find it difficult to understand how a mother can abandon her children….just think how the child, now an adult, feels!

One abandoned daughter said to me, “It would have been easier if she would have died. Her leaving us broke us.” Another abandoned daughter, Carol, offered this advice, “You are not alone. Trust in God to fill the empty place in your heart. No person can fill this hole…not stuff, not your husband, not your children. Everything has a purpose and we are made to glorify our Creator. We can find joy…even in unfavorable circumstances.”

Carol sums up, “We have free will to choose anger and resentment, loneliness and low self esteem or, faith, strength, joy and purpose in our lives.” 

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: How have your life experiences made you more empathetic? Think of a specific example.

Debbie Downer-ism

by Mershon Niesner

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

If you tend to be a Debbie Downer, have you ever wondered why? Our psychological predisposition comes from many sources of course…not the least of which is our upbringing. However, I found the following quote by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, to be very enlightening.

Dr. Hanson says, “Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones. From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today. To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

I’m sad to say that I have few loving memories of my mother but I do have a few negative ones. Dr. Hanson has helped me to understand this mystery in my life experience. Perhaps his wisdom will help you also.

Affirmation: I embrace my memories.

Coaching questions: What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What will help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Mom’s Cooking

by Mershon Niesner

The smell of slow cooking spread around the house and impart a unique warmth matched only by the flavor of the food. Yotam Ottolenghi, chef restaurant owner, food writer

I’m hosting my cooking group for lunch today. As a member of Smoking Pots (makes you smile…right?), I’m responsible for one project per year. With Mother’s Day around the corner and my head steeped in motherloss via this blog and a book, I decided to have folks bring a favorite dish their mom or grandmother made along with the story and recipe.

I made pressed chicken, a chicken and plain gelatin concoction that tastes better than it sounds and is beautiful. Once inverted, it has a design of lemon slices, pimento and green olive slices on the bottom (top). I vaguely remember my mom making it for her bridge club and years ago I used to make it for summer lunches. It was fun to recreate.

Affirmation: My cooking spreads love.

Coaching questions: What do you remember of your mother’s cooking? What was your favorite dish as a child? How have you created memories for your family?

It’s Okay to Cry

by Mershon Niesner

Think of all the incredible things we didn’t get to hear because someone was scared we would see them cry. Jennifer Palmieri, author, Dear Madam President

In her new book Dear Madam President, Jennifer Palmieri writes an open letter to the women who will run the world. I’m sending it to my granddaughters. I think Jennifer imparts some very valuable advice to potential women leaders…primarily, show up as women, don’t try to immolate men, be who you are.

Prior to the quote above, Jennifer says, “Think of all the times you have heard someone say they passed on sharing something that was particularly moving because they didn’t think they could get it out without crying. That’s a shame.” I’m one of “those” who doesn’t cry in front of others…in fact, I rarely cry at all. That’s a shame. I know I’m holding back a part of myself that might be valuable for others…say nothing of what it might do for me. Some of our most important communications are through tears…yes, sometimes even in business. I fondly remember the times I’ve seen presidents cry.

Affirmation: My tears are a special part of me.

Coaching questions: What have you held back because you were afraid of displaying tears? What difference might you make if you are willing to be vulnerable?

The Wow of Now

by Mershon Niesner

The naked now, the one without frills, the one that was always here, just wasn’t as interesting as what could be, what should be, and what I wanted to be. Geneen Roth, author of Women Food and God and When Food is Love

Like many of us, Geneen admits that for several years she lived a life of “if only”…if only I was thin, if only I found love, if only I had a better job, a bigger house, (if only I hadn’t lost my mom). ..I’d be happy. She became so entranced with the belief that happiness was in the future (or possibly in the case of others…the past), she was missing out on the now.

I’m happy to report that Geneen finally learned to want…really love…the now more than the possibilities of the future. She explains, “The pull of drama (the what ifs) still compels me, but the love of showing up where I am is bigger. Nothing can compete with the love of this life blazing in and through me, which, along with the depth of night-sky stillness, also includes outrageous laughter, salted chocolate, and occasional swoops of sadness.”

Affirmation: I choose to live in the now.

Coaching questions: Are you living in the now? If not, what will motivate you to take a foot out of the past or future and move into the now? What difference will it make in your quality of life?

Blueberries

by Mershon Niesner

Valued for their high levels of antioxidants, some nutritionists believe that if you make only one change to your diet, it should be to add blueberries. My friend, Google

Occasionally we have waffles for breakfast and I make blueberry syrup with sugar-free syrup and fresh blueberries boiled together. Yesterday we had some pear halves with a sprinkling of blueberries. They are so beautiful and so good for us that I make an effort to keep them on hand.

As Mr. Google says, “If you make only one change in your diet…make it blueberries.” What about our life? What does Mr. Google say about changes there? I’m sure the answer would be, “Too many variables.” But we know…we know what one change might make a difference right now. When we ask ourselves the question, “What now?”, the woman or little girl inside of us knows what she needs, knows what changes will make her feel physically, emotionally, or spiritually better. Just listen to her!

Affirmation: I listen to my inner voice.

Coaching questions: Be still for a moment. Now ask yourself, “What’s one change I need to make to be who I’m meant to be?”

Rejoice and Be Glad

by Mershon Niesner

This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad. Psalm 118:24; King David, author

My oldest granddaughter, Kavita, age 14, has chosen to be confirmed Sunday at the Episcopal church in New York City where her family actively attends. Her mother, my daughter Winnie, asked me to send a message, image, or scripture to pass along to Kavita as part of the ceremony. My first thought was my personal motto, the scripture above. I pray that Kavita will live with joy in her life as she continues on her path to adulthood.

I wish this for you also, dear friends. Whatever your heartache, trial, loss, or struggle, I hope that each day will bring you cause to rejoice and be glad…if for no other reason than it has arrived and you’re there to greet it.

Affirmation: I rejoice at the new day.

Coaching questions: What causes you to rejoice and be glad? What’s your life’s motto?