Tag: communication

Tears Are As Precious As Pearls

by Mershon Niesner

Think of all the incredible things we didn’t get to hear because someone was scared we would see them cry. Jennifer Palmieri, author

In her book Dear Madam President, Jennifer Palmieri writes an open letter to future women leaders. Her advise is, don’t try to immolate men, be who you are. Jennifer writes, “Think of all the times you have heard someone say they passed on sharing something that was particularly moving because they didn’t think they could get it out without crying. That’s a shame.” 

I know I’m holding back a part of myself that might be valuable to others when I don’t share my tears. Some of our most important communications are through our tears.

Affirmation: My tears are a special part of me.

Coaching questions: What have you held back because you were afraid of displaying tears? What difference might you make if you are willing to be vulnerable?

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The Tooth Fairy

by Mershon Niesner

Currently helping my kid make a Get Well Card for the Tooth Fairy who is having wing surgery…again. Tweet from a creative, forgetful dad

One of my granddaughters, Natalie, almost six, recently lost her first tooth. Her Aunt Katie made her a tooth fairy pillow and money was left in it while she slept. I must admit, when my children were young, I didn’t make a big deal out of the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny…I hope I didn’t stunt my children. They seem ok. I did leave money under their pillows for those tiny teeth but I also told them the truth when they asked and they asked early.

Magical thinking has its place when it comes to these magical childhood characters. However, magical thinking has no place when it comes to the truth about death, especially when talking to children. As I talk with daughters about their childhood memories regarding mother loss, many describe the damage done to them from lack of communication, untruths, and secrets surrounding death.

Affirmation: I tell the truth about death.

Coaching questions: Are you prepared to answer your child’s questions about death? How have you been empowered by the truth? 

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Mixed Message

by Mershon Niesner

I waffled between being unable to even say the words ‘my mom died’ to then wanting to talk about nothing else but my dead mom. Kate Spencer, author, The Dead Moms Club, a memoir

I’m in the middle of reading Kate Spencer’s book, The Dead Moms Club. In addition to a terrific (in my opinion) writer, Kate is also a professional comedian and the combo is dynamite….think Amy Schumer meets seriously grieving daughter.

Her quote above about talking about mom versus not talking about mom is very common….I hear it frequently as I interview daughters, especially if their mother recently died. As caring friends and family, it puts us in a difficult position. Is today the day for talking or not? I say error on the side of  “talking about.” Not the pat, “How are you doing?” but things like, “I remember that time when we ……” People want to know that others remember too. My long-time friend, Leanne, recently shared a story about my mom that happened 64 years ago. It was a one sentence memory. That single line is in my book and in my heart. Your memories count. Share them.

Affirmation: I cherish and share my memories.

Coaching questions: Talking or not talking? What works for you? When you’re able, let your friends and family in on what you’re feeling.

Gentle Communication

by Mershon Niesner

When communicating with someone with dementia, we always want to focus on the person and meet him or her where they are. Ruth Drew, MS, LPC, director of information and support services at the Alzheimer’s Association

Daughters I interview who have experience with dementia know that, over time, their mothers will have difficulty finding the right words or expressing a complete thought. It may be difficult, but connection remains possible (for a while) if these communication guidelines are followed.

…Connect at eye level by sitting next to or in front of your mother. Speak slowly and deliberately to her so she has time to process.

…Clear away as much of your own anxiety and frustration as possible. Your mother can read your mood and your anxiety can contribute to her shutting down.

…People with dementia are playing with a different set of rules. Don’t argue with them or try to correct facts. If your mother is frustrated and unable to express what is wrong, don’t bombard her with questions. hold her hand and acknowledge that she is having a bad day.

Affirmation: I can adjust my communication style.

Coaching questions: If you don’t have someone with dementia in your life, how can you use these suggestions to enhance communications with others….a grandchild, a disturbed friend, etc?

The Rubber Band Effect

by Mershon Niesner

The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived. Robert Jordan, author, The Fires of Heaven, part of the Wheel of Time series

Resilience is the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; a rubber band. In a person, resiliency is the capacity to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or extreme stress. Why are some people more resilient than others and how can one learn to be more resilient?

People who demonstrate resilience generally have these traits in common: Ability to sustain supportive relationships with family and friends, a strong self-image and confidence in their strengths; they accept that change is a part of living and don’t see crisis as insurmountable. Developing your communication and problem solving skills while practicing good self care will also help to enhance your resilience. Build on your past experiences…trust that what you have survived has made you stronger.

Affirmation: I am resilient.

Coaching questions: What can you do now that will make you more resilient when crisis develop? How have you shown resilience in the past? What did that experience teach you?

 

It’s Okay to Cry

by Mershon Niesner

Think of all the incredible things we didn’t get to hear because someone was scared we would see them cry. Jennifer Palmieri, author, Dear Madam President

In her new book Dear Madam President, Jennifer Palmieri writes an open letter to the women who will run the world. I’m sending it to my granddaughters. I think Jennifer imparts some very valuable advice to potential women leaders…primarily, show up as women, don’t try to immolate men, be who you are.

Prior to the quote above, Jennifer says, “Think of all the times you have heard someone say they passed on sharing something that was particularly moving because they didn’t think they could get it out without crying. That’s a shame.” I’m one of “those” who doesn’t cry in front of others…in fact, I rarely cry at all. That’s a shame. I know I’m holding back a part of myself that might be valuable for others…say nothing of what it might do for me. Some of our most important communications are through tears…yes, sometimes even in business. I fondly remember the times I’ve seen presidents cry.

Affirmation: My tears are a special part of me.

Coaching questions: What have you held back because you were afraid of displaying tears? What difference might you make if you are willing to be vulnerable?