Blog

On Becoming a Crone

by Mershon Niesner

The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom that comes from experience. She has lived through love, sorrow, hope, and fear, coming out of it all a wise and confident spirit. The wisdom of the Crone comes only after learning the lessons of non-judgment and compassion. Google

A Croning Ceremony was held for me when I turned 50. I was in a women’s therapy group and the therapist, Barbra McCoy Getz, LCSW, planned the event. I was asked to write and share the highlights of my life to that point, what I remembered of my mother,  write and read a letter to my mother who had died 42 years earlier. As part of the ceremony, I broke a stick in half, placed the two halves on the floor and walked between them symbolizing my entry into a new phase of  life…that of a Crone or Wise Woman. The ceremony was followed by a party with small gifts from the group including a tiny china tea set. As you can see, I was asked to wear a hat and shawl to set me apart as The Crone.

Since then I have led several ceremonies for other women because I believe in celebrating all stages of life and honoring women as they age.

Affirmation: I embrace all the years I’m privileged to live.

Coaching requests and question: Write three highlights of your life to this point. Share them with someone. What does aging mean to you?

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Ending Well

by Mershon Niesner

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. Leonardo da Vinci, Italian polymath (a person of wide-ranging knowledge or learning)

Yesterday I interviewed Jean, a daughter who lost her mother to Alzheimer’s and her step-father to vascular dementia just five days later. He didn’t know his wife had died…in fact he was in a different care facility miles away (she in memory care, he in skilled care). Just before slipping into a final coma, her mother said, “Thank you for everything.” Jean, a CNA, had been her caregiver so her mother would not have to make another move.

I’ve been told several similar stories. Vicki, whose mother had not said a word for two years suddenly looked her daughter in the eye and said, “I love you, Vicki”. These final gifts are precious and give daughters something to cherish as they grieve their loss and beyond.

Affirmation: I accept endings.

Coaching requests and questions: If you have an ending story, recall it now and take comfort in the message. What have you learned about death during your life? How is this informing how you live?

Mental Vitamins

by Mershon Niesner

Affirmations are our mental vitamins, providing the supplementary positive thoughts we need to balance the barrage of negative events and thoughts we experience daily. Tia Walker, American blogger and founder of A-List Diet and Fitness

Yesterday I received an email from a good friend that was an affirmation with enough “mental vitamins” in it to last me for several weeks. He wrote, “Just finished catching up with your blog. I’m always left speechless….and to write such beautiful and deeply meaningful prose.” I can’t bring myself to delete the email yet…his words give me additional energy to keep writing.

I give you, Dear Reader, a daily dose of mental vitamins because I’ve witnessed the power of affirmation. Whether the words come from you to you or from another to you, the power it there. In the climate of our world today, we all need our daily dose of mental vitamins, positive energy, more than ever before.

Affirmation: I have the power and will to affirm myself.

Coaching requests:  Create one affirmation for yourself today…post it for a week. Send or speak an affirmation to another today.

The Joys of Family

by Mershon Niesner

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns, American comedian (1896-1996)

One thing about living at least a thousand miles from my extended family is I really appreciate seeing them. In less than two weeks we have enjoyed many kids, grands and great grands including most of two whole groups at a family wedding. Last night I had dinner followed by a tea party and outing to the park with three grands…this morning, breakfast before church with my son and his family including two little blonde girls. Bliss!

The most heart wrenching event in my life was divorce…yes, even worse than individual death because it was the death of a family. However, 27 years later we are all still intact, just in a different unit. Life is forever changing….sometimes by choice, often by chance. Learning how to be resilient is the key.

Affirmation: I can weather the storms of life.

Coaching questions: What does family mean to you? How do they make a difference in your life? What tools do you have to weather the storms?

Most Honorable Peonies

by Mershon Niesner

Mother stands by the peony bed, reaches for one bloom, opens its petals and looks for a long time into peony lands where one short instant equals a whole year. Exerted from Czeslaw Milosz’s By the Peonies

On my morning walk yesterday, I took time to admire the last of the spring peonies. These beautiful plants can thrive for generations and have their origins in the Asian culture, particularly China where it represents good fortune and wealth. A traditional flower to include in a bridal bouquet, peonies also represent a happy marriage that overflows with peace.

My “Uncle” Paul (not my real uncle but my grandfather’s old friend) grew beautiful peonies and I have a fond memory of picking peonies in late May and putting them on the family graves. This gesture of honoring of our dead ancestors was an important lesson for a young girl. Ah, the many meanings of this lovely flower.

Affirmation: I take time to enjoy nature.

Coaching questions: What flower means something special to you? Will you take a moment today to appreciate nature?

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Ghosts to Ancestors

by Mershon Niesner

Psychoanalysis is often about turning our ghosts into ancestors, even for patients who have not lost loved ones to death. We are often haunted by important relationships from the past that influence us unconsciously in the present. As we work them through, they go from haunting us to becoming simply part of our history. Norman Dodge, author, The Brain That Changes Itself

I’m not a person who thinks much about the past…I’m an “in the moment” sort of gal. However, writing a book about mother loss has gotten me to think about my mother and her family of origin. The circa 1923 photo below is my Grandfather Martyn with my mother on his lap and his other two daughters, my Aunt Lucy and Aunt Eugenia. I think this photo was taken soon after his wife, their young mother, died.

After all these years,  I’ve only recently given much thought to his dilemma, a young widower with three daughters to raise. I’ve not been “haunted” by important relationships from the past but I am discovering just how much my history has determined who I am today.

Affirmation: My past is an important part of my present.

Coaching questions: How have important relationships from the past influenced your life? Have you been able to turn them from ghosts to simply part of your history? If not, how might you do this?

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Last Words Are Significant

by Mershon Niesner

This has nothing to do with you. Don’t feel guilty. Ask your dad. Suicide note left by Kate Spade for her 13-year-old daughter

My heart goes out to Frances Beatrix Spade, Kate Spade’s young daughter. Obviously, one of the most troubling ways to lose a mother is through suicide. I’m glad her mother left her a note…I only wish it would have included thoughts of love (perhaps it did and we just don’t know about it from the news reporting).

In my book I have a section on the significance of “last words” as they can change a daughter’s life…my mother’s last words certainly made a difference in mine.

If you are a daughter whose mother died from suicide, I know Kate Spade’s suicide might bring up old, sad, and troubling remembrances. I pray you can acknowledge these feelings and move on. If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide, call a friend, a relative or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-8255.

Affirmation: I am strong.

Coaching questions: If your mother is gone, what were her last words? What significance do they have for you? Why?

About A Body

by Mershon Niesner

It’s really pleasant to be with, familiar, faithful, complaining a little, continually going about its business, loving to lie down. Lillian Morrison, poet, excerpt from her poem, Body, taken from When I Am An Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple

Getting back to the gym recently after nearly a week away reminded me that it is an uphill battle to stay “in shape” as we age. I feels like it involves two steps forward, three steps back. But this portion of the lovely poem, Body, reminds me how fortunate I am to have this old, familiar body that complains only a little and generally goes about its business.

As a motherless daughter of a motherless daughter…both dying in their 30s…I’ve always felt that, for me, all the years past 35 are gravy. So as I approach a healthy, happy 73, my life is better than gravy, it’s a second helping of mashed potatoes with the gravy.

Affirmation: My body is “pleasant to be with”.

Coaching questions: What’s your motivation to keep your body healthy? How’s that working out for you? How do you view the years following the “anniversary” year of being the same age as your mother when she died?

Lunch With My Daughter

by Mershon Niesner

The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life, the stronger the daughter. Anita Diamant, author of one of my favorite novels, The Red Tent

I know few details of my mother’s life…she has been gone from mine for 64 years. Writing a somewhat biographical book on mother loss has pushed me to delve into my history and, most especially my relationship with my mother, like never before. So far, I’ve learned a few new facts but mostly I’ve been motivated to look deep within myself where the “knowing” lies. There I’ve discovered new feelings, similarities, relationship issues, and more that I never before considered. It’s a journey.

Today I’m having lunch with my middle daughter, Katie. We are “talkers” so we know much about one another’s lives. However, even after nearly 43 years together, there is still much to know, to understand, to empathize with. I’m seeing with new eyes how having lunch together is not only a joy but a privilege many don’t get to experience.

Affirmation: I can access the “knowing” within me.

Coaching questions: Take a moment to make contact with the Wise Woman inside yourself. What is she telling you?

Forest Bathing

by Mershon Niesner

Walking in a leafy area for 90 minutes can keep you from dwelling on negative thoughts. Stanford resarchers

Are you a ruminator, “worry wort”, or anxiety-laden person? If you are, you might want to try shinrin-yoku, the Japanese stress-reduction practice of forest bathing. That’s right…bathing…soaking up the sights, sounds, and smells of the woods or other tree-dense environment.

Yesterday I finally had the chance to walk to my favorite nature center. The most exhilarating part for me was the spring flowers along the way…iris, peonies, flowering trees. But the tall ancient oaks in my little northern town of Itasca were the real, “Ahhhh” of the walk. It was a short stroll taken late in the day but upon returning home where the jets fly low on their way to O’Hare Airport, I felt calmer and more peaceful. Perhaps not a “forest bath” but at least a refreshing “wash up”.

Affirmation: Nature soothes me.

Coaching questions:  Research says that the typical American only spends 5% of his or her time outside. Is this your experience? What would a walk in the woods…a forest bath…do for you? Are you willing to check it out?IMG_0916.jpg