Tag: love

Tips On How To Handle Mother’s Day

by Mershon Niesner

Dear Motherless Daughter,

You’re probably not looking forward to Mother’s Day this year—or any year. I’ve been motherless since I was eight and I still don’t look forward to Mother’s Day. Even when my children were young and celebrated me with handmade cards and burnt toast, I still felt sad that I wasn’t able to personally celebrate with my mom. 

When I was a kid, my dad and I planted window boxes for my mother on Mother’s Day. The colorful boxes sat under the two windows at the front of our modest, post-war bungalow in Nebraska. Flowers have always reminded me of my mother—from the pink carnations on her casket to the bachelor buttons and multi-colored zinnias she planted in our backyard.

I’ve had seventy-one Mother’s Days to learn how to survive the day in the healthiest way possible. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way:

* Plan ahead for how you’ll spend the day. My husband and I will take a local dinner cruise on Mother’s Day (I live in Florida). Balmy weather, beautiful scenery, the movement of the boat, and someone besides me preparing lunch, all make for a lovely day and takes my mind off the sadness.

* Do something to honor your mother. In my gardening days, I frequently planted a rose bush or other long-lasting, flowering plant. These days, I buy “us” a bouquet of pink carnations.

* Acknowledge your sad feelings. If you’re new to loss, use Mother’s Day as a time to tell your mother-story to a trusted friend or share your sad feelings with someone you love. If this isn’t possible, journal about your feelings. Be honest when someone asks, “How are you?” 

* Stay away from triggers. It’s hard to avoid the hype for Mother’s Day—ads for gifts, card displays, social media posts of happy mothers and daughters. Don’t fixate on them. Move along. You can be glad for those who are celebrating without immersing yourself in situations that tap into your sadness or anger. 

* Celebrate the mothers in your family. Even if it’s a difficult day for me, I’m thankful that my children didn’t grow up motherless. My mother also grew up without a mother (her’s died when she was three), so I’m particularly grateful to have broken the cycle of loss.

* Stop anticipating disaster. Sometimes the anticipation of Mother’s Day is worse than the actual day. That’s how “COVID-Christmas” was for me. Anticipating the holiday away from family was terrible; the actual day—not so bad. The lesson? Tell yourself it’s just another day—one day out of 365. Don’t succumb to the “ain’t it awful” syndrome. 

Thinking of you—Mershon

My Mom and I in 1945.

FEELING HOPELESS OR HELPLESS TODAY?

by Mershon Niesner

If you can’t feed a hundred people, just feed one. Mother Teresa

The day after a national election is always difficult for a little less than half of the population. We may feel hopeless and helpless and asking ourselves, “What more could I have done to make a difference? What can I do in the future to make the world a better place?”

Yesterday I sat in the pouring rain (I forgot my jacket) campaigning for someone I believed in for city council. I had done other campaigning for her but yesterday  I wasn’t making much of a difference. Most people in the community had already voted and my sign waving was receiving little, if any, attention. I could have gotten out of the rain and gone home. And yet, I stayed. I did it more for myself than for my candidate. I did it because it was one thing I could do. I could “feed one” or possibly influence one person. Just one! I did it to feel less helpless. I needed to DO something. 

It’s like the story of the star fish. Hundreds were on the beach dying and a little boy was throwing one back into the ocean. When a man asked him what difference he was making when so many were dying, the little boy pointed toward the sea and said, “I made a difference to that one.”

Affirmation: I can feed one. 

Coaching question: How have you taken care of yourself in the past when you’ve felt hopeless or helpless? 

Photo by Pedro Lastra on Unsplash

The Tides of Life

by Mershon Niesner

When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in. Kristin Armstrong, Olympian

Speaking of tides, my thoughts go out to my fellow Floridians and others affected by Hurricane Ian. Yesterday, as I imagined the possibility of our beautiful Marco Island, Florida home and the homes and livelihoods of many others being swept away, I was grateful for the outpouring of love and support from friends and family all over the country. My husband and I are safe in Illinois and, over the course of the storm, we determined that our friends in Florida were safe as well. 

I was anxious, of course I was, but as I focused on gratitude, the tide of love rushed in. Through all the ups and downs of my life, I’ve made an effort to remain grateful for the love that turns fear, loss, disappointment, and heartache into manageable feelings. 

Affirmation: I am grateful.

Coaching questions: What are three things you’re grateful for today? When has gratitude ushered in a tide of love in your life?

Photo by Pamela Heckel on Unsplash

If You’re a Romantic–Don’t Read This

by Mershon Niesner

Much like love itself, St. Valentine and his reputation as the patron saint of love are not matters of verifiable history, but of faith. Lisa Bitel, Professor of History and Religion

Today, in the United States and England, people are celebrating Valentine’s Day, known as the day of love. However, Valentine’s Day began as a feast to celebrate the decapitation of a third-century Christian martyr, or perhaps two. St. Valentine wasn’t a patron of love. In fact, there were several Valentinus saints over the years, none of whom were particularly romantic.

According to historians, the romance part started with Chaucer, author of The Canterbury Tales who wrote about birds mating in February. Soon, nature-minded European nobility began sending love notes during bird-mating season. Industrialization took over by mass-producing cards and then Hersey and Cadbury stepped into the picture. And, as they say, the rest is history—or not.

Affirmation: I celebrate love.

Coaching question: How do you handle things that aren’t as they seem? 

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The Gift of Generosity

by Mershon Niesner

True generosity is an offering; given freely and out of pure love. No strings attached. No expectations. Time and love are the most valuable possessions you can share. Suze Roman, author, financial advisor

’Tis the season of giving. There are “duty gifts” and “love gifts.” We give both. The greatest gifts are those given freely with no attachment. No expectations. As Suze says, true generosity is an offering. I take this to mean offering as in the biblical sense, a sacrifice. 

Humans are inherently insecure creatures. The accumulation of things offers us a sense of security. This is why giving generously out of love gives us such a feeling of satisfaction and joy. In addition to all those duty gifts you’re buying, consider giving at least one love gift with no strings attached. Spent your money, your time, or use your talents—all are gifts. 

Affirmation: I give out of love.

Coaching questions: What’s the best gift you’ve ever received? What’s the best gift you’ve ever given? What gift of love will you give this season?

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Look For The Helpers

by Mershon Niesner

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ Mister Rogers

Mister Rogers’s mother knew that if her son recognized the helpers he would feel calmer about the tragedy, knowing that someone was there to take control and put order to the chaos. Who has helped you in times of tragedy or need? Perhaps it was a teacher or a pastor, a grandmother or a neighbor, a friend or sibling.

As I talk with daughters who have lost their mothers to death, abandonment or Alzheimer’s, the trajectory of their grief recovery is often changed by the helpers who show up. The support and love of older brothers or sisters, grandmothers, neighbors, friends in support groups, hospice workers, or dads, calm the chaos of the moment and become the helpers in their lives.

Affirmation: I’ve been blessed with having helpers in my life.

Coaching questions: Who have been the helpers in your life? How have they made a difference? How have you shown up as a helper in the life of another? What difference did you make?

IMG_2071.jpgEven the famous Julia Child needed helpers…lots of helpers!

Finding Peace

by Mershon Niesner

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.  Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970), American rock guitarist, singer, and songwriter.

It feels as though our nation and our world are in unprecedented turmoil. The power of love is definitely not overcoming the love of power as Hendrix was suggesting. As much as I believe in being an informed advocate for what we believe, taking a breather from it all is valuable as well.

Take a moment and consider the swan. Her life may not be as peaceful as this photo from my local park portrays, but the image gives us a focal point on which to rest our minds and our hearts. Now, if only for a few seconds, take a deep breath and just BE.

Affirmation: I am at peace.

Coaching questions: What helps you keep peace within yourself? If you feel harried, what is one thing can you do to feel more peaceful?

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Royal Love

by Mershon Niesner

Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness. If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love. Stevie Wonder, entertainer

How can I speak of anything but love on the day of the royal wedding? The presence of a young mother, Diana, who died too early, was certainly there. She would have been so proud of her son and the changes he is making to the culture. But the sadness of the past absolutely didn’t take away from the pure joy, the love and the unity this wedding embodied.  Americans and Britons alike were in need of some loveliness…something apart from sadness and anger and bad news in general. I just wish them well…a life of joy and service.

I hope the sadness of your past doesn’t take away the joy and love as your life unfolds.

Affirmation: I am a teacher of compassion.

Coaching question: Who was your greatest teacher? Who is your “sweet flower of love”?