Tag: mother loss

So Happy To Have “Fraughters”

by Mershon Niesner

A daughter is just a little girl who grows up to be your best friend. Anonymous

I am blessed with two daughters and a son who I have had the privilege to see grow up. (I’m also delighted to have two step-daughters and a step-son but they came into my life fully grown.) As the first generation in three to have the opportunity to see my children into adulthood, I particularly treasure the time I have with my adult children. My mother and her mother didn’t live through their thirties so I’m relieved that my daughters are both in their forties. What a joy it is to have adult daughters who become “fraughters” — friends/daughters.

One of the take-aways of a daughter, like myself, who has experienced early mother loss, is the appreciation of being able to spend time with grown daughters.

Affirmation: I find joy in my grown children.

Coaching questions: If you have young children, what helps you overcome any anxiety about leaving them too soon? If your children are grown, how can you show gratitude that you made it this far in their lives?

IMG_0004My middle child, Katie, and I at my step-granddaughter’s wedding last night.

Is Mom Lost?

by Mershon Niesner

All the art of living lies in the fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis, English physician, writer, progressive intellectual (1859-1939)

We often speak of “losing our mothers” or identifying ourselves as “motherless daughters.” I also use these terms but recently I’ve questioned their viability.

My mother isn’t  lost, she hasn’t been wandering through the woods or riding an endless NY subway these last 64 years. She has been and currently is dead. On the other hand, I’m not mother less. I was born of a mother and she remains in my heart, the curve of my smile, my DNA. She is literally present in my life.

Affirmation:  I walk the fine line between letting go and holding on.

Coaching questions: How do you describe yourself as a person without a living mother? How do terms make a difference?

 

Living With Purpose

by Mershon Niesner

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. Rumi, 13th century poet, scholar, theologian

People sometimes ask how I can stay positive while immersing myself in mother loss for hours a day. The same might be asked of an oncologist or mortician. Yesterday I asked myself the same question after absorbing several particularly difficult life stories in recent days. I checked in and realized that I felt fine because I know that the purpose behind my interviews and research…writing a book that will make a difference in people’s lives…keeps me traveling in the positive lane. Generally it is also cathartic and positive for daughters who are willing to share and relive their heartbreaking stories because they are confident that their resilience will be an inspiration to others.

Purpose is everything. It gets us up in the morning, keeps us going to the gym, watering our gardens, loving our families. Knowing their life can still have purpose keeps prisoners of war alive, the paralyzed engaged, caregivers still caring.

Affirmation: I have purpose.

Coaching questions: What is your purpose? What difference does it make? How has your purpose changed over time?

 

A Kite Without A String

by Mershon Niesner

A girl is like a kite, without her mother’s steady hold on the string, she might just float away, be lost somewhere among the clouds. Kristin Harrah author of The Great Alone

The Great Alone has several themes but the thread that runs through the story is that of an abusive, mentally ill father and husband. Later today I’m interviewing two young women who lost their mothers not to disease or even abandonment but to murder. Their mothers were murdered by their husbands, the daughter’s abusive step-fathers. Mother loss can leave a daughter feeling ungrounded, like a kite floating in space. An “on purpose” death, like murder and suicide, is a whole different dimension.

As I write my book on mother loss, I’m seeing how each daughter “speaks” to every other daughter who has experienced loss. Early mother loss feels especially tragic until one considers the meaning of abandonment or murder. A daughter losing her mother to dementia feels very alone but can appreciate the gift of having her mother for 60 or 70 years, an early loss daughter can hardly contemplate losing her mother “twice”…and so the circle continues.

Affirmation: I  learn from the experience of others.

Coaching questions: What life stories have spoken loudest to you? How have they made a difference in your life? How does your story help others?

 

Survivor’s Pride

by Mershon Niesner

In the final stage of successful mourning, children come to see loss and their ability to survive as part of the same tapestry. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by grief and despair, they are aware of their own strength to manage adversity. Maxine Harris, Ph.D. author of The Loss That Is Forever 

Whether we have profound loss as a child or as an adult, we look forward to the day when we can reorganize ourselves and begin to get on with life. Sometimes we say,  “The worst possible thing that could happen did happen and I survived it. Now I’m going to get back to living a joy-filled life.” 

Sometimes this attitude, Survivor’s Pride, can fortify and strengthen those who are fortunate to have it throughout their lives. People who have had bad things happen to them often come out with deeper compassion and a greater capacity to empathize with the pain of others. 

Affirmation: I am a survivor.

Coaching questions: What has helped or would help you to “reorganize” yourself to the point that you have Survivor’s Pride? What have you gained by having something “bad” happen to you?

Ghosts to Ancestors

by Mershon Niesner

Psychoanalysis is often about turning our ghosts into ancestors, even for patients who have not lost loved ones to death. We are often haunted by important relationships from the past that influence us unconsciously in the present. As we work them through, they go from haunting us to becoming simply part of our history. Norman Dodge, author, The Brain That Changes Itself

I’m not a person who thinks much about the past…I’m an “in the moment” sort of gal. However, writing a book about mother loss has gotten me to think about my mother and her family of origin. The circa 1923 photo below is my Grandfather Martyn with my mother on his lap and his other two daughters, my Aunt Lucy and Aunt Eugenia. I think this photo was taken soon after his wife, their young mother, died.

After all these years,  I’ve only recently given much thought to his dilemma, a young widower with three daughters to raise. I’ve not been “haunted” by important relationships from the past but I am discovering just how much my history has determined who I am today.

Affirmation: My past is an important part of my present.

Coaching questions: How have important relationships from the past influenced your life? Have you been able to turn them from ghosts to simply part of your history? If not, how might you do this?

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Lunch With My Daughter

by Mershon Niesner

The more a daughter knows the details of her mother’s life, the stronger the daughter. Anita Diamant, author of one of my favorite novels, The Red Tent

I know few details of my mother’s life…she has been gone from mine for 64 years. Writing a somewhat biographical book on mother loss has pushed me to delve into my history and, most especially my relationship with my mother, like never before. So far, I’ve learned a few new facts but mostly I’ve been motivated to look deep within myself where the “knowing” lies. There I’ve discovered new feelings, similarities, relationship issues, and more that I never before considered. It’s a journey.

Today I’m having lunch with my middle daughter, Katie. We are “talkers” so we know much about one another’s lives. However, even after nearly 43 years together, there is still much to know, to understand, to empathize with. I’m seeing with new eyes how having lunch together is not only a joy but a privilege many don’t get to experience.

Affirmation: I can access the “knowing” within me.

Coaching questions: Take a moment to make contact with the Wise Woman inside yourself. What is she telling you?