I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia.
I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me.
A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way.
A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts.
I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers.
I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth.
Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.
A diagnosis has been enough without being burdened by secrecy and shame. Jane Pauley, television journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Although we have made progress in our understanding, treatment, and acceptance of mental illness, we still have a long way to go. When any other organ is diseased or distressed, there is sympathy, understanding, and readily available treatment.
When the brain is diseased or distressed we frequently say, “Just get over it.” Or “You seem fine to me.” Sometimes, we think less of a person because they think or act in a way that is unclear to us. We need to champion the professionals and organizations who serve the misunderstood, unrecognized, and under-treated.
Affirmation: I will champion people with mental disabilities and disease.
Coaching questions: How can you help a friend with mental illness come out from under the mantel of secrecy and shame? If you’re deeply depressed, suspect you’re bipolar, or have other possible mental health challenges, what’s keeping you from seeking professional help?
Keep things because you love them–not just because. Marie Kondo, Japanese consultant and author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
When we return to our summertime condo in Illinois, I experience what Kondo calls “the spark of joy” upon seeing many of my lifelong treasures. These include the cane rocking chair in which I was rocked as a baby, the walnut chest made from wood reclaimed from the first Nebraska homestead, my paper weight collection, and the picture that hung behind my parents when they were married and behind my husband and me when we were married.
In our minimalist condo, I’m surrounded by objects that bring me joy and gratitude for my family and history.
Affirmation: I value things that give me a “spark of joy.”
Coaching questions: What objects bring you joy? Are they lost amongst the clutter or do they stand out and remind of you the people you love and those who have loved you?
Envy is an unconscious defense mechanism against a threat to our self-esteem. Kristin Neff, PhD, co-author of The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook
Since, according to Dr. Neff, envy is unconscious, it can be difficult to detect. Envy frequently masquerades as stress, sadness, anger, jealousy, or resentment.
Envy is different from jealously which typically involves a fear that someone will take something from us. Envy is coveting something that belongs to someone else. Social media is a fertile breeding ground for envy which, if left unchecked, can be a destructive force.
Here are a few tips to help you keep envy from stealing your joy.
—Name the feeling. Unmask envy and call it what it is. When you can name it you can tame it. Dig under the masquerading feelings to see if envy is hiding there.
—Stop comparing. Whether you’re feeling bad about yourself, or good about yourself at someone else’s expense, you need to learn that your worthiness comes from being you.
—Envy comes from the desire to be loved. Learn to show compassion to yourself. Delight in who you are and what you’ve accomplished rather than what remains to be done.
Affirmation: I will love myself out of envy.
Coaching questions: What causes you to feel envious? What will you do to move away from a mentality of scarcity into one of abundance and rejoice with the joys of others knowing that joy is possible for you too?
Perfect is the enemy of good. Voltaire, French writer
As most creative people recognize, striving to achieve perfection is the bane of our existence. Of course the artist wants the shadows just so, the writer wants error-free copy, the musician wants to be pitch-perfect. However, constantly seeking perfection has diminishing returns. Spending all our time in a micro-battle can hurt the broader outcome.
The book, the pie, the painting, the concerto, the sweater will never be one hundred percent perfect. For many, the notion of the unseen flaw will keep them from proceeding or they will tinker with their creation until it’s no longer the beautiful, imperfect piece it was meant to be.
As I begin the arduous task of rewriting my novel after a major edit, I’ll be striving for good. When I’ve done my best, I’ll declare the manuscript done. I’ll deliver a book to the world in it’s less than perfect state and hope it makes a difference to those who read it.
Affirmation: I will strive for good.
Coaching questions: Is the notion of perfection holding you hostage? What project will you move forward with knowing that it’s not perfect?
If we were to wake up and find ourselves in the middle of an endless summer with no obligations, no passions or interests to turn toward, no relationships to cling to—all of our commitments suddenly gone—I wonder if it would feel like freedom or like free fall. Joanna Gaines, Magnolia Magazine
As Joanna suggests, commitments don’t necessarily keep us from being free. Commitments can, in fact, be the very things that are holding us up, shaping our daily lives and futures.
Whether it’s doing the weekly laundry (like the young man in the photo), making dinner, babysitting a grandchild, or writing a book, commitments are a positive influence. People languish when they have no purpose; commitments—those projects and people to whom we are dedicated—give us purpose and help us flourish.
Affirmation: I value my commitments.
Coaching questions: What are you committed to? How do you feel about your commitments?
You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to YOU. Josh Shipp, youth motivational speaker
Of course, the natural and appropriate response to loss is sadness and grief. However, it’s been my experience that when the focus remains on the one you lost, there is less despair and depression than when the focus remains on yourself. When we get stuck in saying or thinking, “Why me? It’s not fair. How can I possibly cope?” we stymie our ability to move forward. So much depends on how we respond to our experience.
The motherless daughters I interviewed for my book who moved forward with their lives, frequently talked about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short, rather than all they lost because of her death. Both conversations are appropriate but focusing on the former seemed to lead to more joy.
By her death, my mother gave me a greater sense of independence, the heart-felt reality that death is a part of life, and the ability to be more empathetic to those who experience loss.
Affirmation: I choose to get better.
Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?
What Julia Ward Howe had in mind in 1870 when she invented Mother’ s Day was a day on which we oppose war and advance peace. In other words, it wasn’t Mother’s Day, but a Mothering Day. Gloria Steinem, American journalist
When we think of Mother’ Day we think of honoring a person who brought a child into the world—a mother. If we take Steinem’s lead and consider mother as a verb, we come up with a completely different take on the day.
Mothering can be done by male or female, old or young, birth parent, adoptive parent, or friend. When you mother someone, you show them empathy, love, and thoughtfulness. You care greatly about their welfare. Mothering is love freely given. One can become a mother by happen-stance but one mothers from a sense of purpose and love.
Affirmation: I will consider what it is to mother.
Coaching questions: Who has mothered you? Who do you mother?
The task we must set for ourselves is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity. Erich Fromm, German social psychologist
One of the dubious benefits of losing a mother at eight-years-old was that I became a planner. Not just a what’s-for-dinner planner but a what-if-there’s-another-Great Depression planner. When I had children living at home, my “Next Great Depression” plan was to dig up the backyard (a half acre) and plant a BIG garden—like big enough to keep us in food from season to season. I also learned how to bake bread and sew clothing.
Mathematician John Allen Paulos said, “Uncertainty is the only certainty there is and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” Learning how to live with the knowledge that something catastrophic can happen was one of my greatest lessons. It has served me well for over sixty-seven years.
Affirmation: I will learn how to live with insecurity.
Coaching questions: What did you learn from your loss experience? What’s a step you’ll take to learn how to deal with insecurity?
You’re probably not looking forward to Mother’s Day this year—or any year. I’ve been motherless since I was eight and I still don’t look forward to Mother’s Day. Even when my children were young and celebrated me with handmade cards and burnt toast, I still felt sad that I wasn’t able to personally celebrate with my mom.
When I was a kid, my dad and I planted window boxes for my mother on Mother’s Day. The colorful boxes sat under the two windows at the front of our modest, post-war bungalow in Nebraska. Flowers have always reminded me of my mother—from the pink carnations on her casket to the bachelor buttons and multi-colored zinnias she planted in our backyard.
I’ve had sixty-seven Mother’s Days to learn how to survive the day in the healthiest way possible. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way:
* Plan ahead for how you’ll spend the day. Pre-COVID, my husband and I took a local lunch cruise on Mother’s Day (I live on Marco Island, Florida). Balmy weather, beautiful scenery, the movement of the boat, and someone besides me preparing lunch, all made for a lovely day and took my mind off the sadness.
* Do something to honor your mother. In my gardening days, I frequently planted a rose bush or other long-lasting, flowering plant. Today, I buy “us” a big bouquet of pink carnations or other cut flowers.
* Acknowledge your sad feelings. If you’re new to loss, use Mother’s Day as a time to tell your mother-story to a trusted friend or share your sad feelings with someone you love. If this isn’t possible, journal about your feelings. Be honest when someone asks, “How are you?”
* Stay away from triggers. It’s hard to avoid the hype for Mother’s Day—ads for gifts, card displays, social media posts of happy mothers and daughters. Don’t fixate on them. Move along. You can be glad for those who are celebrating without immersing yourself in situations that tap into sadness or anger.
* Celebrate the mothers in your family. My children send me Mother’s Day cards and I, in turn, send cards to my daughters, step-daughters, and daughter-in-law. Even if it’s a difficult day for me, I’m thankful they did not grow up motherless. My mother also grew up without a mother (her’s died when she was three), so I’m particularly grateful to have broken the cycle with my children.
* Stop anticipating disaster. Sometimes the anticipation of Mother’s Day is worse than the actual day. That’s how COVID-Christmas was for me last year. Anticipating the holiday away from family was terrible; the actual day—not so bad. The lesson? Tell yourself it’s just another day—one day out of 365. Don’t succumb to the “ain’t it awful” syndrome.
If you’re a mother, Happy Mother’s Day! If you’re not, Happy Sunday!
Languishing is the neglected middle child of mental health. It’s the void between depression and flourishing—the absence of well-being. Adam Grant, writer
After more than a year of putting our lives on hold, have we forgotten how to take action on what we want? Have we gotten so comfortable with having a mediocre life devoid of the social, intellectual, and cultural stimulation we once had that stepping back into an active life feels like too much of an effort?
In his op-ed piece for the New York Times, Adam Grant goes on to remind us that languishing dulls our motivation, disrupts our ability to focus, and triples the odds that we’ll cut back on work.
Affirmation: I will take the action necessary to create the life I love.
Coaching questions: Are you languishing? If you are, what’s one step you’ll take today to take action and dare to do what you love?
Life after losing a mother 