Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Keep Your Lantern Bright

by Mershon Niesner

An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly. Unknown.

While talking with my granddaughters over Christmas, I was struck by the complexity of issues facing thirteen and fourteen year olds today. Questions around gender identity and sexual orientation, issues with absent parents, bullying, the stress of handling advanced placements. Both granddaughters come from stable homes and have few major issues of their own but they each tend to be the person to whom their friends  express their problems. I cautioned each of them to listen to their intuition, to not take on more than they can handle, and to set boundaries with their friends. (I sprinkled this into the conversation so it didn’t sound like a list of to-dos)

This is good advice for people of all ages. Having been a social worker, I know it’s difficult to walk the line between self-care and being a friend and confidante. At times we must say things like, “I know you’re really hurting right now and I want to listen and help you but I need to step back a bit. Perhaps we can talk about it later.” If you become overwhelmed by the problems of others, you no longer can help them or yourself. 

Affirmation: I can set boundaries.

Coaching questions: If you’re a confidante for your friends and family, how do you maintain your boundaries? Practice saying things, like the quote above, in advance so you’re ready when the time comes if you need to step back a bit from the overwhelm of the problems of others. 

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What Changes Are In Your Future?

by Mershon Niesner

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author

When my late husband, Keith, literally dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of fifty three, I experienced first hand the “great and sudden change” Shelley is talking about. This year, we will all experience change–hopefully not great and sudden but one never knows. Basic self-care practices—good sleep, healthy food, exercise, taking breaks— can help you navigate future change more smoothly.

“Start making small changes when you’re not stressed,” says psychiatrist Henry Emmons, MD, author of The Chemistry of Calm. “Think of it like exercise. If you’re trying to get in shape, you don’t try to do a month’s worth of workouts in one day.”

The same is true when training yourself to deal with the stress response. The more you learn how to calm your mind when your stress is small, the better prepared you will be for the big change that will inevitably come your way. 

Affirmation: I am ready for change.

Coaching questions: Consider how well you handle change. What will you do to prepare yourself now to handle change more effectively in the future? What difference might it make? 

What To Do About Ungrateful Grandsons

by Mershon Niesner

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude. A.A. Milne 

Today I received my first email in response to a new Ask the Life Coach column I’m writing for the Coastal Breeze, my local newspaper. The emailer wrote, “I sent each of my three grandsons $150 and never received a thank you or even a wish for a Merry Christmas.” She’s wondering what to do about this dilemma. I frequently hear a version of this from many others. An attitude of gratitude must be taught. Somewhere, someone dropped the ball and raised kids with small hearts and little appreciation. 

If the grandsons are older, I would address them directly. “Did you receive my check?” “What did you spend the money on?” Text them if they’re teens. If they are young, address your child, their parent, and ask them similar questions. Don’t sweep this under the rug if it’s bothering you. Even if the parent isn’t taking responsibility for teaching their children gratitude doesn’t mean you can’t have some influence. 

Affirmation: I model gratitude. 

Coaching questions: If you have ungrateful people in your life, how are you addressing the issue? What would happen if you spoke out about it? If you’re disappointed or angry about a lack of gratitude, don’t let the issue go unaddressed.

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What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

by Mershon Niesner

The idea of potential is seductive because you never have to leave that fantasy. Âyodeji Awosika, author

“Someday I’ll figure out what I really want to do when I grow up,” says the sixty year old banker, the seventy-five year old grandmother, the thirty year old attorney. The truth is, you probably know what you want to do, who you want to be, you’re just afraid to go there. I might fail, what will other people think, I will disappoint my parents, it will be too much work, I’m too old, I’m too young, 

It’s a new year, a new start. Today is the day of all days to unravel the layers of judgment, rationalization, fear, and insecurity that are holding you back. Grab hold of your dream, your wish, your greatest desire and take a step to make it reality. Someday may never come but today is here. Have the courage to live how you want to live and be who you want to be. 

Affirmation: I am courageous.

Coaching questions: What do you want to be “when you grow up?” What’s keeping you from going there? What step will you take today to move forward? 

 

Use Your Power in 2019

by Mershon Niesner

Don’t underestimate your power. Hate is potent, but so is kindness. And goodness, and grace. Use yours generously. Oprah

2018 has been a tumultuous year in the United States and elsewhere in the world. Mass shootings, political unrest, war, lies, hatred, climatic disasters, children separated from parents, discrimination, sexual abuse and assault. It’s easy to feel powerless in the wake of psychological and physical chaos.

But, as Oprah says, “what I know for sure,” is how you treat every person in your sphere can and will make a difference. Don’t underestimate the power of goodness, kindness, and empathy. Don’t underestimate the power of your modeling—to children and others. Do what you can to make 2019 a gentler, kinder year. 

Affirmation: I have power.

Coaching question: What one behavior will you change in 2019 to make a difference in our troubled world? 

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Are You Good Enough?

by Mershon Niesner

I assessed my goals, analyzed my outcomes, counted my wins. One proving ground only opened onto the next. Such is the life of a girl who can’t stop wondering, “Am I good enough?” From Becoming by Michelle Obama 

Whenever I read an autobiographical memoir like Becoming, I’m encouraged to learn that the human condition of self-doubt is experienced by all. Am I good enough? was a common question Michelle Obama asked herself throughout her childhood and well into her professional life as a successful attorney. 

The world frequently looks at an accomplished woman and thinks she has always been confident and had an easy path. This is rarely the truth. Check out My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor and many others. Determination, hard work, and pushing through disbelief on the part of others and yourself is what pays off. Hang in there.

Affirmation: I am good enough.

Coaching questions: How will/did you overcome the Am I good enough question? To whom do you turn for encouragement when self doubt creeps in? What is one thing you can do to move towards I AM good enough? 

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Understanding Debbie Downer

by Mershon Niesner

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

Do you know a Debbie Downer? Have you ever wondered why a person is predisposed to negative thinking? Our psychological predisposition comes from many sources of course, not the least of which is our upbringing. However, I found the following quote by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, to be very enlightening.

Dr. Hanson says, “Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones. From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today. To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

I’m sad to say that I have limited loving memories of my mother but I do have a few negative ones. Dr. Hanson’s findings help me to understand this fact of my life experience. Perhaps his wisdom will help you also.

Affirmation: I embrace my memories.

Coaching questions: What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What will help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Get Off The Roller Coaster

by Mershon Niesner

Success isn’t magic; it’s generally the product of picking a good system and following it until luck finds you. Scott Adams, author of How To Fail At Almost Everything and Still Win Big

Tis the season of resolutions and goal setting. I’m a Life Coach and I’m supposed to be all about goals, right? For 2019, I’m changing my tune and suggesting success (whether business or personal) is about systems, exercised with such consistency they turn into habits.

Want to lose weight? Rather than setting a weight loss goal, create a system of eating and exercise. “I will exercise thirty minutes, four days a week and lower my carb intake to two a day.” Want to attract more clients? “I will make three cold calls a day.” Want to have more peace in your life? “I will sit quietly ten minutes a day.” You get the picture. Wondering how systems are different from goals? They sound suspiciously similar. Goals can be attained, which is a good thing (I’m not suggesting you eliminate goals), but then what? We lose those ten pounds, goal accomplished, and we resume our old habits. Once a system becomes a habit, there is no end. The behavior continues, you stay healthy and successful and you get off the roller coaster of annual goal-setting/achievement/failure.  

Affirmation: I create systems designed for success.

Coaching questions: What systems do you need to put in place? What’s standing in your way of doing this? How will your life be different if you create positive systems for success? 

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What’s Your Bitter-Sweet Story?

by Mershon Niesner

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending. Fred Rogers

I know New Year is on the horizon but if feels like the joy, beauty, busy-ness, stress, over-eating of the holidays is mostly over. Tomorrow we’re heading home to Florida to re-enter our normal life. I’ve loved the familiar story of the holiday season as we now know it. I’ve adjusted to not seeing my biological family on Christmas Day and enjoy spending that time with my step-kids, grands, and great-grands. I’m still not quite accepting of not being able to host Christmas as I did for most of my life but I appreciate the adult children who have graciously stepped up to the task. 

Endings are bitter sweet. Saying good-bye to those I love who I only see once or twice a year, leaving behind that sweet great-grand baby in the photo who we will barely recognize the next time we see her is difficult. But, I’m looking forward to returning to our beautiful home, warm weather, sunshine, dear friends, and a myriad of activities I love. 

Affirmation: I embrace the bitter sweetness of endings.

Coaching questions: What is the story of your holiday season? Are you ready for the familiar ending? What are you excited about in 2019? 

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Are You Lonely?

by Mershon Niesner

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Old African proverb

John Cacioppo, American neuroscientist and author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, argues that loneliness developed for important evolutionary reasons: to remind us that as social beings we must seek the company of others. Societies and individuals who drift into disconnection are fostering problems for the future. Twice as unhealthy as obesity, loneliness poses a significant health risk. Men are particularly vulnerable with nearly half of all men over 50 suffering from severe loneliness. This figure is expected to rise by 50% in the next fifteen years. 

For me, being motherless at a young age and living in a family of two, satisfying as it was, motivated me to broaden my relationships. It also taught me how to enjoy my own company—to be alone without being lonely. Though I’ve been motherless, divorced and widowed, I’ve rarely felt lonely. Like hobbies and physical activity, fostering the skill of making friends is developed when we need it the least. Friendship/relationships require attention. Similar to keeping your muscles strong, without effort and attention, relationship atrophy can easily set it and along with it loneliness. 

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: What are you doing now to keep loneliness at bay in the future? If you are lonely, what’s one step you will take today to feel less so—call an old friend, attend a social event, reach out to a neighbor, volunteer with others? 

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