Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Be a Lighthouse To Others

by Mershon Niesner

The scars you share become lighthouses for other people who are headed to the same rocks you hit. Unknown

In the process of writing my book on mother loss, fifty-five women came forward to tell their stories of early death, abandonment, murder, and loss to dementia. Each daughter thanked me for the opportunity to share their experiences and what they learned so that others, with a similar life story, could benefit. They are lighthouses.

In return, each daughter expressed the joy she felt in being heard and understood. Each recognized the value of speaking her truth, no matter how painful. Many said, “This is the first time I’ve told anyone this” or “I don’t often speak of…” or “It feels so good to speak of my mother.” 

Whatever your scar may be, use your experience to become a lighthouse to others. The light shines both ways.

Affirmation: I am a lighthouse.

Coaching questions: How can you use your scars to become a lighthouse for others. Think of one thing you can do (sponsor a walk for a disease, donate to a cause, speak with someone experiencing what you’ve experienced) then proceed.

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Beware of the Crabs In Your Life

by Mershon Niesner

The highest treason a crab can commit is to make a leap for the rim of the bucket. Steven Pressfield, American author

Did you know that when crabs are trapped in a bucket one could easily escape but its efforts will be undermined by the others ensuring the group’s collective demise? I learned this from my pastor yesterday. Great metaphor for “If I can’t have it, neither can you.” 

If you are a member of a group that attempts to reduce your self-confidence when you achieve success beyond the group out of envy, resentment, spite, or competitive feelings—get out! Sometimes this sabotage is subtle but you’ll feel it in your gut if you’re paying attention. You deserve all you can achieve. You deserve to be your best self. Don’t let anyone pull you back into the bucket.

Affirmation: I deserve to be my best self.

Coaching questions: Have you noticed the lack of support from the people around you? Are they sabotaging your success? If so, get out of that bucket. Have you ever pulled someone down because of your own envy or resentment? Think about it.

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Developing Strength and Resilience

by Mershon Niesner

My barn having burned to the ground, I can now see the moon. Japanese Haiku

I used this Haiku for one of my first blogs in March when we were still recovering from Hurricane Irma. We had lost so many trees in the mangroves next to our property that a water view emerged where there was none before. Now, more than a year after disaster struck, we are whole again—actually better than before the hurricane as everything that was replaced is to hurricane standards. 

As I look back over my life, I can see how I’ve recovered from the storms and, as a result, become stronger and more resilient. I’m better prepared than ever for what is next.

Affirmation: I am strong and resilient.

Coaching question: In what way have you grown through the “burning barns” of your life?

IMG_0931 (1).jpgThe mangroves off of Barfield Bay

What’s In Your Fridge?

by Mershon Niesner

As we enter the season of endless hors d’oeuvres and multi course meals, consider this not-so-festive fact: Nearly half of the food in this country ends up in landfills. Sarah Engler, Editorial Director at Natural Resources Defense Council

Tomorrow is National Food Day. One target of the day is to help people “Eat Real,” which is defined as cutting back on sugar drinks, overly salted packaged foods and fatty, factory-farmed meats. It is a cerebration of healthy, affordable and sustainably produced food. It is estimated that 40 percent of the food in the U.S. goes uneaten and waste from foods makes up 21 percent of all landfill trash. Greenhouse gases generated by decomposing food is equal to emissions from 37 million cars annually.

In addition to all those “starving kids in China” your mother always brought up when you didn’t eat your spinach, think about the nearly 13 percent of people in the U.S. and many millions around the world who struggle for food everyday. Manage what you buy, save and eat leftovers, and find new ways to have less waste at your house. 

Affirmation: I “Eat Real” and am careful about waste.

Coaching question/requests: What’s in your refrigerator? If there are bits and pieces of food, consider how you can use them rather than create waste. Make a menu plan and a grocery list and stick to it when you shop. 

Are You Walking In Your Mom’s Career Footsteps?

by Mershon Niesner

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist

I just finished reading What’s Mom Still Got To Do With It? by Ilana Tolpin Levitt, MA, M.Ed. It’s about how your mother and the style of her parenting affected and continues to affect your career. Interesting concept from a woman who has vast experience on the topic. Levitt describes five daughter types. Daughters whose mothers died early are most likely Bootstrap Daughters, a daughter who propels herself up with little or no help from others. This model seems to ring true for many early loss and abandoned daughters with whom I spoke. Minus a role model or the encouragement of a mother, these daughters have taken their futures and the possibility of career success into their own hands. They frequently value financial security which is especially true for those who had alcoholic or distant fathers and uncertain, insecure childhoods. 

If you’re struggling in your career choice or performance, take a look at your mother/daughter relationship, or lack of relationship, and see what you can uncover.

Affirmation: I dig deep to determine my success.

Coaching questions: What affect might your mother experience have on your career choice and performance? Be specific. Knowledge is power. Make changes as necessary.

Stay Off the Path to the Dark Side

by Mershon Niesner

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Master Yoda

As daughters who have experienced tragic mother loss, especially through early loss, abandonment, or murder, we have experienced fear at some level. Fear for our very survival, fear of the future, fear of losing another parent and many others.

It is only when we overcome our fears and, perhaps, our anger and hate, that we can truly flourish and lead our best life. There has been enough suffering, let’s not inflict it upon ourselves by embracing our fears. Let’s move away from the dark side. 

Affirmation: I’m fearless.

Coaching questions: What fears do you have that need releasing? Name two, be specific. What is one step you will take to move away from this dark side of living?

 

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What Are You Tolerating?

by Mershon Niesner

Today’s political climate is annoying but I tolerate it because I want to live in the USA. I try to be tolerant of those with whom I disagree. Unfortunately, I’m tolerating my lack of significant political participation. 

Toleration dances with procrastination. You tolerate a loose button on your jacket. Every time you button your jacket, you think about how you must sew the button on before you lose it. Periodically thinking about the loose button is gradually draining your internal resources. You are procrastinating the act of sewing on the button and you’re tolerating the situation. Both inactions are zapping bits of energy.

The act of being tolerant and having toleration for others is different. I’m not crazy about the hot weather but I tolerate it. Short of moving away, what choice do I have? I’m tolerant of people with whom I disagree or people I can’t avoid who annoy me, like certain co-workers or relatives. Hot weather and disagreeable people can zap our energy too if we let them but we can’t do much about it. 

Change the things you can and seal up your energy drain. 

Affirmation: I take care of tolerations.

Coaching questions: What are two things you are tolerating right now? (a door that sticks, a leaky faucet, constant tiredness because you go to bed too late, an extra ten pounds, etc.)? What is one toleration you will take care of before Monday (or at least start to eliminate)? 

Three Characteristics of a Humble Person

by Mershon Niesner

Be like the bamboo—the higher you grow the deeper you bow. Chinese Proverb

It seems humility has gotten a bad rap in recent years. Rather than being associated with great leadership and noble actions, humility is frequently considered a weakness or disability. Yet, throughout history, many who are remembered and whose lessons and accomplishments have survived the ages, were men and women who demonstrated humility. 

Three actions that demonstrate you’re a humble person:

  1. You lift others up. Rather than putting someone down in order to make yourself look more important, a humble person looks for ways to lift up others.
  2. You allow others to sing your praises. Although you own your success, you are quiet about your accomplishments.
  3. You admit your mistakes. When you are humble, you know you are not perfect. You recognize your mistakes and acknowledge them when they are pointed out.

Affirmation: I strive to be humble.

Coaching questions: Name a person, past or present, who you revere. Did their actions represent a humble spirit? If living a life of humility is important to you, how do you stay on track? In what ways can you applaud humility in others. 

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Just Say No

by Mershon Niesner

When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself. Paulo Coelho, Brazilian lyricist and novelist. 

One of the important lessons I taught my clients when I was their Life Coach was how to say, “no.” So much of the stress, anger, and anguish of our lives comes from our inability, particularly as women, to say no to the requests made of us that we know will put us over the top or are requests to do something we don’t want to do. Having a list of no-phrases can be helpful. Here you go:

I’d love to but I’m just not able to right now—Thanks, but my schedule is full— I know you need help with that project but I just can’t fit it in right now—Maybe another time—Thanks for thinking of me.

If these lovely responses fail, and the assailant won’t give up, sometimes you just have to say, “Is there something you don’t understand about my answer?” Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that but hold your ground. Your sanity and the possibility of living a tranquil, or at least not insane, life depends on it. You’re worth it. 

Affirmation: I can say no.

Coaching questions: What is your response to a request to which you don’t want to comply? Is it working? If not, practice saying no then the next time you need to be strong you’ll be prepared. 

 

 

Herb-a-licious!

by Mershon Niesner

Fresh herbs really belong anywhere you put them. Alex Guarnaschelli, Chef and Food Network star.

I planted my herbs this morning. I love fresh herbs on just about everything—from mint in my water to rosemary on my chicken or chives in the cottage cheese. Herbs make everything come alive and taste fresh. Plus, ounce for ounce, herbs and spices have more antioxidants than any other food group.

I like what Alex says. There are no rules for herbs, put them anywhere and your dish will taste like they belong.

Affirmation: I use fresh herbs.

Coaching questions/requests: What are your favorite herbs? Try putting a few pots on your window sill or wherever else they will grow this time of year. Enjoy the tasty, healthy benefits.

 

 

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