Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Doll Houses

by Mershon Niesner

If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older. Sir Tom Stoppard, Knighted British playwright

Yesterday was my “day off.” I know, I’m retired so everyday is my day off. Even in retirement (thank goodness)  most of my days are scheduled and busy. I make an effort, however, to keep Thursdays free. Yesterday I went to the gym, planted some leftover flowers in the yard (Easter lilies and poinsettias), then I went to visit my wonderful friend, Donna. Her condo always feels like a peaceful sanctuary…her own beautiful art on the walls, a spectacular water view, her calming personality and true wisdom.

Today she had something special to share…a doll house she had made several years earlier. Architecturally, it was exactly like her grandmother’s house and the fixtures also reflected this house of the past…patchwork quilt, wallpaper, claw-foot tub, ice box, wood stove…many of the special touches she had created herself. Here we were, two 70-somethings head to head peering into this darling house, exclaiming over every detail. For several minutes we were delightfully transported to being little girls again. What a wonderful day off!!

If your childhood was full of adult responsibilities or cut short because of the loss of a mother, it is especially important to discover, recognize, and honor the child within you.

Affirmation: I honor the child within.

Coaching question: What keeps you in touch with your inner child? How does it feel with you honor her?

Precious Time

by Mershon Niesner

At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent. Barbara Bush

Many years ago my daughter, Katie, gave me a beautiful little white china clock with gold trim. On the front is a plaque that says, “The love only grows with time.” I’ve had this clock on my desk since she gave it to me. It reminds me of her love, the importance of time well spent, and the power of ever-growing love.

A key to resilience and thriving in a life guaranteed to have bumps in the road is to live in the present. Remembering and treasuring the past, yes,  but living in a way that the majority of our thoughts and actions focus on the now…spending your time enjoying the person you’re with, reveling in today’s sunshine rather than lamenting yesterday’s clouds.

Affirmation: I spend my precious time wisely.

Coaching questions: If you’re not spending your precious time the way you wish, what’s keeping you from making a change? How do you want to spend your time? If you’re dwelling on the past, what is something you can do to pull yourself into the now? Who can help you?

A Hint of Heaven

by Mershon Niesner

Heaven is under our feet as well as over our heads. Henry David Thoreau

I’m a life-long Christian and definitely believe in an afterlife. I don’t, however, believe our heavenly experience will be a glorified earthly experience. BUT, if it was, for me it would look like a farmer’s market.

I  just returned from the sunny, warm, “heavenly” market with stuffed grape leaves for lunch, fresh paella for dinner, an heirloom tomato that looks like a flower when you slice it, fresh made mozzarella (from the Italian guy who made it) for pizza on Saturday, and a bit of asparagus.

PLUS, I spoke with three friends, got to pet a new born kitten at Save the Cats booth, drank a cup of really good coffee while listening to an old timer sing and play guitar. Then, I bought two personally autographed books from my author-friend, Pauline.  Heavenly!

Affirmation: I can create my own hint of heaven.

Coaching question: What does your hint of heaven look like?

 

 

Avocado Toast

by Mershon Niesner

Cure sometimes, treat often, comfort always. Hippocrates

It’s difficult to find a quote about comfort that doesn’t say, “Get out of your comfort zone!” and I usually agree. However, there are times that we all need comfort in our lives. Mother and wife to presidents, Barbara Bush, 92, its currently at the end of her life and is in “comfort care” as they say in hospice circles. She has requested that her caregivers and family no longer try to save her life but simply keep her comfortable until the end. Death is a reality for us all and Mrs. Bush has determined that it is her current reality.

“And where does avocado toast come in?”  you ask. It was my “comfort breakfast” this morning. Everyday I  make an effort to step out of my comfort zone to learn something new, meet someone new, consider an idea with which I might not agree.  However, today I started off with a favorite comfort food…avocado toast with a squeeze of lime and a pinch of sea salt. We all need a little comfort in our lives!

Affirmation: I know how to comfort myself.

Coaching question: What brings you comfort?

Good Grief

by Mershon Niesner

Grief is the reminder of the depth of our love. Gordon Wheeler, psychologist

In one of my all-time favorite books, The Book of Joy, the Dalai Lama says, “Sadness and grief are, of course, natural human responses to loss, but if your focus remains on the loved on you have just lost, the experience is less likely to lead to despair. In contrast, if your focus while grieving remains mostly on yourself–‘What am I going to do now? How can I cope?’–then there is a greater danger of going down the path of despair and depression. So much depends on how we respond to our experience of loss and sadness.”

The motherless daughters I talk to that seem to have made the adjustment to their loss, more frequently talk about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short….rather than all they have lost because of her death. In some measure, both conversations are appropriate, of course, but focusing on the former seems to lead to more joy and less long term depression and grief.  Even by her death, my mother gave me a greater sense of independence, the heart-felt knowledge that death is a part of life, the ability to be more empathetic to those who have had loss.

Affirmation: My grief is healing.

Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?

Hamilton

by Mershon Niesner

The show is proof that history remembers/ We live through times when hate and fear seem stronger/ We rise and fall and light from dying embers, remembrances that hope and love last longer.  Lin-Manuel Miranda, a sonnet from his Tony acceptance speech for Hamilton.

I plan to see the musical Hamilton this summer in Chicago. My 13- year-old granddaughter, Tuscany, is a complete Hamilton fan. She and her friends dressed up like characters from Hamilton for Halloween. She’s my inspiration to attend. I’m taking her…shhh, its a secret.

Hamilton is set in a time of bitter political rivalry but it is a story of patriotism and hope. In an interview with Oprah, Miranda said, “And the most important gift you can give your kids is empathy. It’s the number one tool in an artist’s toolbox. You can’t create art if you can’t understand what someone else has been through and then try to articulate it.”

Affirmation: I am empathetic

Coaching question: What’s one way you can be more empathetic towards those around you?

 

Burrowing Owls

by Mershon Niesner

“The pearls weren’t really white, they were a warm oyster beige, with little knots in between so if they broke, you only lost one. I wished my life could be like that, knotted up so that even if something broke, the whole thing wouldn’t come apart.” Janet Fitch, White Oleander

I took a short walk after dinner last night to check out the burrowing owl pair I had discovered a few weeks ago to see if there were any babies or owlets. When I approached the burrow, the male, about the size of a large robin, was sitting on a perch keeping watch and he hissed at me in warning. Apparently he decided I was harmless as his mate soon appeared. They watched me; I watched them.

This interaction reminded me of how lovely it is to have someone watching over you; protecting you; keeping an eye on your back. Early on, this is the role of a parent, later a friend or a spouse. Perhaps it is your dog who gives you comfort and watches out for you. One of the things we grieve when someone dies, or is lost in another way, is this sense of protection.

Affirmation: I am secure.

Coaching questions: From where does your protection or sense of security come? If you feel less than secure, what’s a step your can take to change this?

It’s About Attitude, Baby!

by Mershon Niesner

“The way we see the world is the way we experience the world.” Sonja Lyubomirsky, Psychologist as quoted from The Book of Joy

I’m a naturally positive person. My friend, Bev, says I have a “joy gene.” Sometimes my joy gene presents an unpopular view. A person in my writing critique group read a section of my upcoming book and said, “I’d never buy this book…it’s too positive.” That gave me a little pause..then it I dug in deeper.  Even as a teenager I was told by a camp counselor once that “life will catch up with you sometime.” In other words, she was saying that someday my joy would be eclipsed by life events. Well, folks, I’m happy to say…it hasn’t happened it yet.

According to Susan Cain, author of QUIET: The Power of Introverts, “If you’ve interpreted the events of your life to mean that you’re innately unlucky or unwise, then its hard to look optimistically at the future. Conversely, if you acknowledge the you’ve made mistakes and faced difficulties but seek (or have already glimpsed) redemption, you’ll feel a much greater sense of agency over your life (and your future).”

Affirmation: I am joy-filled.

Coaching questions: How do you see the world? How is that working for you?