Life after losing a mother

Are You Walking In Your Mom’s Career Footsteps?

October 22, 2018October 22, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist

I just finished reading What’s Mom Still Got To Do With It? by Ilana Tolpin Levitt, MA, M.Ed. It’s about how your mother and the style of her parenting affected and continues to affect your career. Interesting concept from a woman who has vast experience on the topic. Levitt describes five daughter types. Daughters whose mothers died early are most likely Bootstrap Daughters, a daughter who propels herself up with little or no help from others. This model seems to ring true for many early loss and abandoned daughters with whom I spoke. Minus a role model or the encouragement of a mother, these daughters have taken their futures and the possibility of career success into their own hands. They frequently value financial security which is especially true for those who had alcoholic or distant fathers and uncertain, insecure childhoods.

If you’re struggling in your career choice or performance, take a look at your mother/daughter relationship, or lack of relationship, and see what you can uncover.

Affirmation: I dig deep to determine my success.

Coaching questions: What affect might your mother experience have on your career choice and performance? Be specific. Knowledge is power. Make changes as necessary.

Stay Off the Path to the Dark Side

October 21, 2018October 21, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Master Yoda

As daughters who have experienced tragic mother loss, especially through early loss, abandonment, or murder, we have experienced fear at some level. Fear for our very survival, fear of the future, fear of losing another parent and many others.

It is only when we overcome our fears and, perhaps, our anger and hate, that we can truly flourish and lead our best life. There has been enough suffering, let’s not inflict it upon ourselves by embracing our fears. Let’s move away from the dark side.

Affirmation: I’m fearless.

Coaching questions: What fears do you have that need releasing? Name two, be specific. What is one step you will take to move away from this dark side of living?

What Are You Tolerating?

October 20, 2018October 20, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Today’s political climate is annoying but I tolerate it because I want to live in the USA. I try to be tolerant of those with whom I disagree. Unfortunately, I’m tolerating my lack of significant political participation.

Toleration dances with procrastination. You tolerate a loose button on your jacket. Every time you button your jacket, you think about how you must sew the button on before you lose it. Periodically thinking about the loose button is gradually draining your internal resources. You are procrastinating the act of sewing on the button and you’re tolerating the situation. Both inactions are zapping bits of energy.

The act of being tolerant and having toleration for others is different. I’m not crazy about the hot weather but I tolerate it. Short of moving away, what choice do I have? I’m tolerant of people with whom I disagree or people I can’t avoid who annoy me, like certain co-workers or relatives. Hot weather and disagreeable people can zap our energy too if we let them but we can’t do much about it.

Change the things you can and seal up your energy drain.

Affirmation: I take care of tolerations.

Coaching questions: What are two things you are tolerating right now? (a door that sticks, a leaky faucet, constant tiredness because you go to bed too late, an extra ten pounds, etc.)? What is one toleration you will take care of before Monday (or at least start to eliminate)?

Three Characteristics of a Humble Person

October 19, 2018October 19, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Be like the bamboo—the higher you grow the deeper you bow. Chinese Proverb

It seems humility has gotten a bad rap in recent years. Rather than being associated with great leadership and noble actions, humility is frequently considered a weakness or disability. Yet, throughout history, many who are remembered and whose lessons and accomplishments have survived the ages, were men and women who demonstrated humility.

Three actions that demonstrate you’re a humble person:

You lift others up. Rather than putting someone down in order to make yourself look more important, a humble person looks for ways to lift up others.
You allow others to sing your praises. Although you own your success, you are quiet about your accomplishments.
You admit your mistakes. When you are humble, you know you are not perfect. You recognize your mistakes and acknowledge them when they are pointed out.

Affirmation: I strive to be humble.

Coaching questions: Name a person, past or present, who you revere. Did their actions represent a humble spirit? If living a life of humility is important to you, how do you stay on track? In what ways can you applaud humility in others.

Just Say No

October 18, 2018October 18, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself. Paulo Coelho, Brazilian lyricist and novelist.

One of the important lessons I taught my clients when I was their Life Coach was how to say, “no.” So much of the stress, anger, and anguish of our lives comes from our inability, particularly as women, to say no to the requests made of us that we know will put us over the top or are requests to do something we don’t want to do. Having a list of no-phrases can be helpful. Here you go:

I’d love to but I’m just not able to right now—Thanks, but my schedule is full— I know you need help with that project but I just can’t fit it in right now—Maybe another time—Thanks for thinking of me.

If these lovely responses fail, and the assailant won’t give up, sometimes you just have to say, “Is there something you don’t understand about my answer?” Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that but hold your ground. Your sanity and the possibility of living a tranquil, or at least not insane, life depends on it. You’re worth it.

Affirmation: I can say no.

Coaching questions: What is your response to a request to which you don’t want to comply? Is it working? If not, practice saying no then the next time you need to be strong you’ll be prepared.

Herb-a-licious!

October 17, 2018October 17, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Fresh herbs really belong anywhere you put them. Alex Guarnaschelli, Chef and Food Network star.

I planted my herbs this morning. I love fresh herbs on just about everything—from mint in my water to rosemary on my chicken or chives in the cottage cheese. Herbs make everything come alive and taste fresh. Plus, ounce for ounce, herbs and spices have more antioxidants than any other food group.

I like what Alex says. There are no rules for herbs, put them anywhere and your dish will taste like they belong.

Affirmation: I use fresh herbs.

Coaching questions/requests: What are your favorite herbs? Try putting a few pots on your window sill or wherever else they will grow this time of year. Enjoy the tasty, healthy benefits.

Are You A Procrastinator?

October 16, 2018October 16, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task. William James, American philosopher and psychologist, offered the first psychology course in the United States.

Procrastination is a common ailment. As James suggests, procrastination is fatiguing and can keep us from being our best selves. Procrastination often happens when we fear or have anxiety about the important task awaiting us. To get rid of the negative feeling, we procrastinate and move on to something more pleasurable. We may feel better temporarily but reality returns with a vengeance. Shame and guilt can ensue.

Sometimes, as we procrastination (I’m writing this blog in order to put off editing my book), we actually accomplish things. Some people procrastinate to the point of urgency which is the only way they get difficult or important things done. One of the important things you can do as a procrastinator is to forgive yourself because procrastination is linked to negative feelings. Remember—you don’t have to be in the mood to do a task, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and do it.

Affirmation: I get important things done in a timely way.

Coaching questions: What is one thing you procrastinate about? What is something you can do to break the cycle and get things done at the appropriate time?

Be A Unicorn!

October 15, 2018October 15, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn…then always be a unicorn!” Quote on the Internet

A unicorn is a mythological animal that resembles a horse or a kid with a single horn on her forehead. The myth goes back as far as 400 BC and is part of Mesopotamian artworks, the ancient myths of India, China and in Greek literature.

Today, unicorns are all the rage with young girls. My granddaughter, Marcella, had a unicorn themed sixth birthday party yesterday. Sadly, I missed it because I’m in Florida and she’s in Illinois but I got a kick out of the photos. If you want to cheer yourself up today, pretend you’re a pretty-in-pink unicorn and throw yourself a party with pastel mint favors labeled as “Unicorn Poop” (my daughter, Marcella’s mom, has a sense of humor).

Affirmation: I know how to have fun.

Coaching question: Pretend you’re six again. What kind of birthday party do you want? Let me know and I’ll see what I can do.

Erasing the Footprints

October 13, 2018October 13, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Have you ever walked along a shoreline, only to have your footprints washed away? That’s what Alzheimer’s is like. The waves erase the marks we leave behind, all the sand castles. Some days are better than others. Pat Summitt, American women’s college basketball head coach who holds the record for the most career wins.

Every 66 seconds a new brain develops Alzheimer’s. Two-thirds of them belong to women. In addition, women make up two-thirds of all the caregivers caring for those with Alzheimer’s or dementia. Women are at the epicenter of the Alzheimer’s crisis. That’s why we must be at the heart of the solution.

Much attention is given to the support of cancer and heart disease research which is necessary and important. We need to add Alzheimer’s to our list. If you’re a woman over sixty, you are twice as likely to develop Alzheimer’s than you are breast cancer. Support the cause and support caregivers. It takes a community to stand up to this devastating disease.

Affirmation: I support Alzheimer’s research.

Coaching request: If you’ve swept Alzheimer’s under the rug, take another look. Become informed, support the research and caregivers.

24/7 helpline – 1-800-272-3900

www.alz.org

Watch for your local walk