Blog

Challenging Yourself

by Mershon Niesner

If I couldn’t handle not being good at something, then how could I consider myself a successful person? Gerald, high school athlete featured on CBS Sunday Morning

As the saying goes, “out of the mouths of babes,” this quote comes from the mouth of a high school student who was good at nearly every sport in his school….except swimming. He couldn’t even swim. So, what did he do? He tried out for the swim team and because they were so desperate for members, he was signed on. Eventually he takes them to the state tournament but the big take away is his quote and the fact he would even consider such a challenge. 

Mostly we shy away from what we’re not good at. We want to be successful, look good, and not suffer the humility of failure. Gerald’s courage, self-esteem, self-awareness are all admirable. And he didn’t just think it, he did it. He learned what it is like to be a successful person by first being a failure.

Affirmation: I like a challenge.

Coaching questions: Is there something you’re not good at that you want to try but are holding back because you might look foolish? If you challenged yourself to take this on, how might it change your life?

Letting Go

by Mershon Niesner

Don’t try to force anything. Let life be a deep let-go. God opens millions of flowers every day without forcing their buds. Osho, Indian godman and leader (1931-1990)

If you know me, you know I’m generally a stress-free person. Balance and order have always been important to me mostly because I really don’t like to feel stressed. But last week several events caused stress to catch up with me. Everything that was stressing me turned out to be just fine. Just like the quote, the buds turned to flowers despite my stressing over them.

This experience reminded me to: Let go and let God, breathe, stay in the present, and organize the best you can then allow events to unfold as they will.

Affirmation: I will let go.

Coaching questions: What helps you combat the inevitable stressors of life? How’s that working out for you? If you’re living with more stress that you’d like to, what steps can you take to learn how to deal with the stress or eliminate the stressors?

 

Mixed Message

by Mershon Niesner

I waffled between being unable to even say the words ‘my mom died’ to then wanting to talk about nothing else but my dead mom. Kate Spencer, author, The Dead Moms Club, a memoir

I’m in the middle of reading Kate Spencer’s book, The Dead Moms Club. In addition to a terrific (in my opinion) writer, Kate is also a professional comedian and the combo is dynamite….think Amy Schumer meets seriously grieving daughter.

Her quote above about talking about mom versus not talking about mom is very common….I hear it frequently as I interview daughters, especially if their mother recently died. As caring friends and family, it puts us in a difficult position. Is today the day for talking or not? I say error on the side of  “talking about.” Not the pat, “How are you doing?” but things like, “I remember that time when we ……” People want to know that others remember too. My long-time friend, Leanne, recently shared a story about my mom that happened 64 years ago. It was a one sentence memory. That single line is in my book and in my heart. Your memories count. Share them.

Affirmation: I cherish and share my memories.

Coaching questions: Talking or not talking? What works for you? When you’re able, let your friends and family in on what you’re feeling.

7 Tips For Surviving Loss

by Mershon Niesner

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004),  Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death, grief studies and author 

  1. Have no secrets – tell the truth, talk about your experience, use real words, acknowledge reality
  2. Get outside of yourself – serve others, volunteer
  3. Use affirmations – affirm yourself and your progress, state what you want and how you want to be
  4. Connect to a community – find others (on line or in person) who have had a similar experience 
  5. Seek therapy – don’t try to recover on your own if you’re struggling
  6. Be kind to yourself – honor your individual grief process, your anger, and your guilt
  7. Honor the person you have lost by working your way back to living life to the fullest

Affirmation: I have found my way out of the depths.

Coaching questions: If you’ve experienced loss, what tips might work for you? What will you do today to implement your choice? What difference might it make?

 

 

Is Mom Lost?

by Mershon Niesner

All the art of living lies in the fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis, English physician, writer, progressive intellectual (1859-1939)

We often speak of “losing our mothers” or identifying ourselves as “motherless daughters.” I also use these terms but recently I’ve questioned their viability.

My mother isn’t  lost, she hasn’t been wandering through the woods or riding an endless NY subway these last 64 years. She has been and currently is dead. On the other hand, I’m not mother less. I was born of a mother and she remains in my heart, the curve of my smile, my DNA. She is literally present in my life.

Affirmation:  I walk the fine line between letting go and holding on.

Coaching questions: How do you describe yourself as a person without a living mother? How do terms make a difference?

 

Free To Be You And Me

by Mershon Niesner

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison, American singer, songwriter

If you live in the United States of American, happy 4th of July! As Americans celebrate our country’s independence,  I’m suggesting we also celebrate our freedom to be ourselves. Exuberant or quiet, liberal or conservative, old or young, athlete or artist, outdoor enthusiast or gamer….let us celebrate our unique selves.

Having a friend that encourages you to be you is what friendship is all about. Friends who accept us, “worts and all,” give us the freedom to make mistakes, say something just a little over the top, be really sad.

Affirmation: I celebrate my freedom to be me. I celebrate your freedom to be you.

Coaching questions: What about you will you celebrate today? How do you help your friends be themselves?

Connecting The Dots

by Mershon Niesner

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. Steve Jobs, Co-founder of Apple

In his quote, Jobs goes on to say that you have to trust in something whether it be your gut, destiny, karma, whatever. He claims that this approach has made all the difference in his life. To me, this concept is all about faith…in my case, faith in God. Sometimes our life makes no sense, we wonder why something has or is happening to us, we wonder if we are being punished or are unlucky or unprepared or just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think Jobs is right. It’s often hard to see how the dots are connecting as we look forward. But we need to trust that in the future, as we look back, it will all make sense or at least we will have grown from the journey.

Affirmation: I trust that the dots will someday connect.

Coaching questions: What experience have you had where, looking forward the dots did not connect but now, looking back with perspective, they have? What helped you trust in the process?

Nature’s Patience

by Mershon Niesner

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. Ralph Waldo Emerson, poet, author

At the Writers’ conference I just attended I heard many stories that demonstrated patience: the author who sent query letters to 136 agents before getting a “yes”, the Oscar winning screenwriter who spent over 10 years in the trenches writing script after script before coming up with “the one,” the undaunted poet who has written poetry for years but has yet to be published.

If you are in a season of hibernation, feeling dark, wanting to stay under your covers, be patient with yourself and trust that your spring is coming soon.

Affirmation: I take my clues from nature.

Coaching question: What season are you in? What will help you have patience with your seasonal process?

Telling The Truth

by Mershon Niesner

Humans lie better than any other creature on earth, and, oh lordy, do we pay a price for it. Lying messes with our mental and physical health, obscures our happiness. Martha Beck, author

While at the Jackson Hole Writers’ Conference, I had four critiques on a few pages of my book and concept. Three were short, one was ninety minutes. Critiquing is a balance between being truly honest without destroying the hopes and dreams (unless the manuscript is truly awful) of the would-be author.

We are so programmed to tell little lies. “I’m just fine” “I’d be happy to help out.” “Yes, I know my mother is in a better place. Yes, I’m happy for her.” What if we took an honesty day and only told the truth? What a wonderful way to re-boot our sensibilities and get back to our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a truth teller

Coaching questions: How would you benefit if you told the truth 100 percent of the time? Ready to try? Let me know how it goes.

Not A Dead Sea

by Mershon Niesner

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. Muhammad Ali, Professional boxer, activist, philanthropist

The Dead Sea is a salt lake bordered by Jordan to the east and Israel and Palestine to the west. It is one of the world’s saltiest bodies of water. The Dead Sea receives beautiful fresh water from rivers and other sources but it has no outlet so no water passes out. With no outlet, the water in the sea goes dank, it goes bad. That’s why it is called The Dead Sea. It is dead because it receives but doesn’t give.

We are a part of nature just like the Dead Sea. As we receive, we must also give in order to not turn dank, shrivel up and die inside. In other words, generosity, caring for and about others is what gives us a joy-filled, healthy life. When we focus on ourselves…our own misfortunes, grief, slights, guilts, trials and tribulations…we lose the thread that attaches us to joy. We begin to unravel.

Affirmation: I find joy in giving.

Coaching questions: What keeps you from becoming a “dead sea?” What is one new way you can serve? What difference might it make in your life?