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Harmful Secrets

by Mershon Niesner

Hiding, secrets, and not being able to be yourself is one of the worst things ever for a person. It gives you low self-esteem. You never get to reach that peak in your life. You should always be able to be yourself and be proud of yourself. Grace Jones, singer songwriter, supermodel, record producer, actress

Secrecy is very common in families where there has been a tragedy. The C-word is never mentioned, death is not discussed, the unspoken agreement is “don’t ask, don’t tell” where everyone is expected to act as if nothing happened. After talking with motherless daughters who grew up in this environment, I’ve come to believe that the secrecy was as much of a problem as the actual death of their mother. Silence increased their feelings of shame, especially if their mother died when they were young and they didn’t have an opportunity to process their experience by openly acknowledging their mother’s existence and their profound loss.

Families that have open discussions, answering any and all questions, who talk about the deceased mother and her cause of death, create a healthy environment for the motherless daughter where she can flourish and feel worthy rather than less-than.

Affirmation: I create an open and honest environment for my family.

Coaching questions: How have family secrets kept you from becoming your best self? What will you do about it? What difference will it make? Be specific.

What I Learned At T-Ball

by Mershon Niesner

There are three types of baseball players: Those who make it happen, those who watch it happen and those who wonder what happens. Tommy Lasorda, Major League Baseball pitcher and manager

T-Ball for boys and girls 4 and 5 years old proves this quote over and over. A few are in there making it happen (mostly the coach’s son), as the ball comes their way, some watch it happen wondering to whom it will roll, and some have no idea what’s going on, wondering which left field they are supposed to play. The good news…they all seem to be having fun…well, except the very shy boy I observed while at bat.

Here’s what I learned:

  • “Measure” (this is what my granddaughter calls practice swings) with the bat before you try to hit the ball – Practice a bit before you try something new
  • If your helmet is too big, hold onto it by the ear holes while running bases – Make do with what you have
  • Try not to hit your coach with the bat – Respect your leaders if they are worthy
  • Graciously thank your team mates’ parents for the snacks – Have an attitude of gratitude
  • Be glad when your older sibs, “Uncle” Pete, and grandparents watch your game – Never take your family for granted…they will always be there for you

Affirmation: I know how to play ball.

Coaching questions: What have you learned lately from the children in your life? How will you apply this learning?

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Old Treasures Spark Joy

by Mershon Niesner

The objects you decide to keep, the ones that gave you the spark of joy? Treasure them from now on. When you put things away, you can actually audibly say, “Hey, thank you for the good work today.” By doing so, it becomes easier for you to put the objects away and treasure them, which prolongs the spark of joy environment. Marie Kondo, Japanese consultant, author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

When I returned to our summer-time condo in Illinois yesterday, I experienced what Kondo calls “the spark of joy” upon seeing some of my lifelong treasures. The cane rocking chair in which I was rocked as a baby, the walnut chest made from wood reclaimed from the first Nebraska homestead, my paper weight collection, pictures that my mom loved (shown below) and best of all, the picture that hung over my parents when they were married and then over Ken and I when we were married 16 years ago. In our minimalist condo, these treasures stand out and surround me with lovely memories.

Although these objects evoke memories of the past and my dead parents, they never make me sad. Rather, they bring me joy and gratitude for my family and a long life.

Affirmation: I value things that give me a “spark of joy.”

Coaching questions: What objects bring you particular joy? Are they lost amongst the clutter or do they stand out and remind of you the people you have loved?

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STOP

by Mershon Niesner

If you don’t think your anxiety, depression, sadness and stress impact your physical health, think again. All of these emotions trigger chemical reactions in your body, which can lead to inflammation and a weakened immune system. Learn how to cope, sweet friend. There will always be dark days. Kris Carr, best selling author, wellness activist and cancer survivor

If I want to get riled up, irritated, and have the opportunity to respond without thinking, Facebook is my playground. If you know me at all, you know that these are all things I absolutely DO NOT want to do or feel so I embrace the STOP technique if at all possible.

Stop what you’re doing

Take a few deep breaths

Observe the sensations in your body and mind (I always feel the tension in my stomach)

Proceed with awareness and compassion (emphasis on the compassion)

Affirmation: I respond with thoughtfulness

Coaching questions: How do you handle your irritation, tension, anxiety? How’s it working for you? What’s one thing you will change to be a healthier you?

 

 

 

 

You’re a Seed

by Mershon Niesner

They tried to bury us but they didn’t know we were seeds. Mexican proverb

As a woman entrepreneur in the ’80’s, a single mom, a motherless daughter raised by a dad, a sudden widow, a board chair leading mostly men, there have been times in my life that I’ve felt the pressure of “being buried”. However, little did society, neighbors, corporate men, know…I was a seed. In spite of the difficult environment, I grew, I blossomed, I thrived.

I recently heard this great metaphor from a young Mexican American, disabled woman who was speaking to her fellow graduates at a college commencement. No doubt she has felt buried many times but on that commencement day she was a seed who had blossomed.

Affirmation: I am a seed.

Coaching questions: What’s causing you to feel buried? What will help you bloom?

Make Your Bed

by Mershon Niesner

Sleep sound in the knowledge that tomorrow you’ll have the strength to help fix the world just a bit more, because you’ll know just where to take your first healing step: Make your bed. T.R. Kerth, newspaper columnist and author of Revenge of the Sardines

When I started coaching in 1996, my first client was a woman who was depressed, chronically tired, and lacked motivation. She was recently divorced and hired me to help her “get her life back together.” Part of the the intake protocol I used was to have clients fill-out an assessment of their life activities including health, financial, etc. From this assessment, I learned that my client didn’t make her bed. My first coaching request was, “Make your bed everyday for the next week.”

Mr. Kerth (see quote above) was asked to do the same thing by his therapist when he was exhausted and overwhelmed after the recent death of his wife from yet another stroke…he had been her caretaker for eight years. Mr. Kerth says, “I took his advice, and I felt my depressed helplessness loosen its paralyzing grip on me at once. Besides now that the bed was made, there was less chance that I would retreat to it during a weak moment later in the day.” This is exactly what happened to my client! She slept better because she quit taking naps (who wants to make a bed twice in one day?), she gained momentum as she accomplished at least one thing even before brushing her teeth. She was on her way to getting her life back. Two great stories about the power of a single activity. What are you waiting for? Go make your bed!

Affirmation: A single step can make a difference

Coaching questions: What is one small step can you take to make a difference in your life? What’s keeping you from taking it?

The Fallen

by Mershon Niesner

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain

As much as I love honoring Veterans…members of my own family go back in service as far as the Revolutionary War…Memorial Day is, more specifically, about honoring those who lost their lives in service to our country. Veterans had the fortune of returning home. My dad, a veteran of WWII and Korea, survived these two wars to enjoy another 34 years of robust living. Most likely his life was spared because early on the Army Air Corps (forerunner of the Air Force) discovered he was colored blind. Even though he already knew how to fly, this meant he could not be a fighter pilot…and, consequently, I was born and am here to tell the tale.

My former husband, Keith, lost 134 comrades on July 29, 1967 on the aircraft carrier, USS Forrestal. He earned a Bronze Star for his heroics that day. Whenever the Viet Nam wall came to town, he honored those lost friends and comrades. Today, I’m thankful for their service and the sacrifice of their families.

Affirmation: I am thankful.

Coaching questions: Thinking of the loss others have experienced, is helpful in dealing with our own losses. Who are you thinking of today? What was their contribution to our freedom?

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My parents, Winnifred (Winnie) and Leon, right after their marriage during WWII

The Dragons of Home

by Mershon Niesner

I believe that one carries the shadows, the dreams, the fears and dragons of home under one’s skin, at the extreme corners of one’s eyes, and possibly in the gristle of the ear lobe. Maya Angelou

I’m writing on this theme just so I can share this beautiful Maya Angelou quote. I hope you enjoy and find meaning in it. What an amazing writer! Don’t you just love “the gristle of the ear lobe”? In addition to the beautiful prose, I believe what she says is true.

After being away from “home” for over 50 years, I’m still a Nebraska Girl at heart. I yearn to have a view of the horizon from every direction, the fields of green as far as the eye can see, nearly everyone in town dressed in red on game day, farmer’s leaving their trucks running while they dash into the hardware store, dry river beds just ripe for picnics. Fortunately for this only child, motherless daughter, home was happy and didn’t leave me with “dragons under the skin”. It was a place of security, love, compassion and growth. I know I was fortunate because as I interview women, this was frequently not the case. Take time today to consider what home means/meant to you…shadows, dreams, fears and dragons included.

Affirmation: I honor my roots.

Coaching questions: What does “home” mean to you? How does your view of home affect who you are today?

 

Repaired With Gold

by Mershon Niesner

In Japan, broken objects are often repaired with gold. The flaw is seen as a unique piece of the object’s history, which adds to its beauty. Taken from Facebook post

A green vase with a large crack repaired with gold is a lovely visual. Rather than hidden, the crack is accentuated, giving the vase character and a beautiful design. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could visualize our lives like this vase? Rather than hiding or concealing the “cracks in our life”, our loses, our mistakes, our injuries, we turn them into something beautiful and useful…renewed resilience, greater empathy, strength of character.

Becoming mature, joy-filled, peaceful people means embracing everything life brings us…cracks and all.

Affirmation: I embrace the “cracks” in my life.

Coaching questions: Visualize the cracks in your life filled with gold, shining bright and beautiful. How does this visual feel? What do you need to do to give up the shame, sadness, why-me, anxiety, fear in your life and turn it into “gold”?

 

Rainy Days

by Mershon Niesner

‘Some days it’s just going to rain.’ My grandfather told me that when I was 17. He meant I shouldn’t worry about things beyond my control. Bill Vader, Saturday Night Live vet

It’s rainy season in southwest Florida which means a few hours of rain every day. In addition, a tropical storm is on the horizon for the weekend. “Some days it’s just going to rain.” It’s the essence of the Serenity Prayer….God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Accepting what you can’t change is one of the most important aspects of living a joy-filled, peace-filled, less stress-filled life. It may take perseverance and experience to learn this life lesson but it will change your life for the better.

Affirmation: I accept the things I can’t change.

Coaching questions: What are you hanging on to that you can not change? How is that working out for you? What will you do to begin to accept the things you cannot change?