Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Celebrating Life

by Mershon Niesner

The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Oprah Winfrey

Sunday, I celebrated my 75 plus one birthday. My husband had planned a big party for my 75th but, alas, there was a pandemic. So, we celebrated a year later with no less joy and fanfare. 

Someone recently said they didn’t celebrate any more—“I’m older than you are,” she said. I replied, “With a mother and grandmother dying in their thirties, I consider every year of my forties and beyond to be “gravy”–a sundae with a cherry on top, an extra blessing.” 

I’m thankful and proud to have lived this long. Grateful for the laugh lines and the extra weight around the middle (well, maybe not the extra weight) but for all those symbols of an aging life well-lived.

Affirmation: I’m grateful for birthdays.

Coaching questions: How do you celebrate your life? Your aging? Your birthdays? I challenge you to be proud of your age and celebrate your birthday with gusto. 

Celebrating my birthday with all eight grandchildren. 

Exercise For Your Heart

by Mershon Niesner

There is no better exercise for the heart than to reach down and lift people up. John Andrew Holmes, author

This morning I will be hitting the gym in an effort to keep my body strong. Aerobic exercise is good for the heart but I believe Holmes is on to something. Just as finding ways to physically exercise like parking in the back of the lot or taking the stairs, looking for opportunities to “lift people up” also strengthens the heart.

Sometimes you hear it in their hello and ask, “How are you really?” or you see it in the tension on their face. Watch for clues that will give you an opportunity to exercise your heart and make a difference in the life of another.

Affirmation: I lift people up.

Coaching questions: What have you done lately to lift another up? How did your heart feel? What will you do to create or be responsive to opportunities in the future?

Appreciate Your Moments of Bliss

by Mershon Niesner

Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real. Deepak Chopra, Indian-American author

Food manufacturers are constantly looking for the “bliss point” in new foods. That perfect balance of sugar, salt, and fat in a candy or other food item to make it delicious. Snickers bars and potato chips are two great examples. So satisfying!

But there can be a bliss factor in life also. Those special days when the weather is neither too hot, nor too cold; you are rested and feeling your best self; loved ones are with you, and the atmosphere is charged with that wonderful feeling we can’t always put our finger on. I call it bliss.

Affirmation: I appreciate blissful moments.

Coaching questions: What does bliss look like to you? When did you last enjoy a blissful moment? Do you take time to recognize, enjoy, and be grateful for bliss when you have it?

Photo by Joel Mott on Unsplash 

Surfside, We’re With You

by Mershon Niesner

There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something better tomorrow. Grison Swett Marden, MD

We have spent time this past week empathizing with families of the victims of the high rise building collapse in Florida. We watch as they hold out hope that their loved ones will be found alive. 

As Dr. Marden says, hope is a powerful medicine. But as the days turn into weeks, then what? How do we handle life when hope is gone? How do we learn how to live with our loss? 

We grieve, we take care of ourselves, we preform small daily tasks, we share stories with others who have similar losses, we seek help when we need it, we find creative outlets for our memories and our sadness.

In these next days, when hope in Surfside wanes, I pray that loved ones will find comfort as they celebrate the lives of those who were lost. I hope they know that people the world over are sharing in their sadness as we recall our own losses.

Affirmation: I share the grief of others.  

Coaching questions: How do you handle life when hope is gone? In the past, what helped you in your grief?

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash 

Take Care of Your Brain

by Mershon Niesner

Between 2000 and 2019, deaths from heart disease have decreased 7.3% while deaths from Alzheimer’s have increased 145%. 

June is Alzheimer’s & Brain Awareness Month — an opportunity to hold a conversation about the brain, and share the fact that Alzheimer’s disease and other dementias are a major public health issue. 

My understanding of the disease and it’s devastation increased when I interviewed daughters who lost their mothers to Alzheimer’s as part of my research for Mom’s Gone, Now What? I learned that everyone who has a brain is at risk to develop Alzheimer’s, the only leading cause of death that cannot be prevented, cured or even slowed. 

As dire as this sounds, however, there is growing evidence that people can reduce their risk of cognitive decline by regularly challenging their mind, engaging in physical exercise, eating a proper diet, limiting their use of alcohol, getting adequate sleep, and staying social. 

Affirmation: I am aware of the impact of Alzheimer’s. I support caregivers and family members. 

Coaching questions: What are you doing to keep your brain healthy? Will you go to www.alz.org to learn more?

The Bliss of Blamelessness

by Mershon Niesner

When you blame others, you give up your power to change. Robert Anthony

Even when we’re entitled to it, resentment consumes energy. Becoming curious about a hurtful experience instead of taking it personally can help diffuse blame toward another person. 

When you’re trying to break the habit of self-recrimination, focus on how you want to feel. Train your brain to experience joy by remembering how it felt to make the right decision.  

Motherless daughters occasionally blame their fathers, doctors, even themselves for the circumstances of their mother’s death. Break the hold of blame and experience the bliss of blamelessness. 

Affirmation: I will move away from blame.

Coaching questions: In what area of your life are you blaming others for your circumstances? What will you do to move away from the blame and experience joy again? 

Photo by Obie Fernandez on Unsplash 

Relieving Stress With Shinrin-yoku

by Mershon Niesner

Walking in a leafy area for 90 minutes can keep you from dwelling on negative thoughts. Stanford resarchers

I had a very stressful weekend. So, this morning I took myself to a nature preserve and I did shinrin-yoku, the Japanese stress-reduction practice of forest bathing. 

That’s right…bathing…soaking up the sights, sounds, and smells of the woods or other tree-dense environment. After a two mile walk along a stream and through the trees, I felt calmer and more peaceful.

Affirmation: Nature soothes me.

Coaching questions: Research says that the typical American only spends five percent of his or her time outside. Is this your experience? What would a walk in the woods…a forest bath…do for you? Are you willing to check it out?

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash 

Are You Wrestling With Father’s Day?

by Mershon Niesner

A father is neither an anchor to hold us back nor a sail to take us there but a guiding light whose love shows us the way. Unknown

With Father’s Day approaching, my guess is you’re either delighted to have a chance to celebrate your father (dead or alive) OR you’re anxious that the day will dredge up your dreadful dad-memories from the past. 

I was a motherless, only child with few relatives. Fortunately, I had a great dad—a life-changing kind of dad. I took my fortunate circumstance for granted until, as an adult, I participated in two motherless daughter therapy groups. This is when I first understood the enormous role (positive and negative) fathers play in the lives of motherless daughters. 

When I interviewed over fifty daughters of loss for my book I again became profoundly aware of the heartache and emotional damage many motherless daughters experience at the hands of their fathers (and step-fathers). 

From these interviews, I learned a few things about managing trigger-days that occur in our lives. Here are a few tips to help you manage Father’s Day. 

  1. Forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiveness is for you and your mental health; not for your father’s well-being. Forgiving a person doesn’t mean you’re condoning their bad behavior. It means you’re strong enough to let go of the negativity you’re feeling and move on.
  2. Get out of the guilt trap. If you experienced early mother loss, you were at the mercy of your primary care-giver. Your neglect, or worse, wasn’t a reflection on you and the child you were. Stop blaming yourself—you were just a kid.  
  3. Embrace empathy. Perhaps you were emotionally neglected because of the profound grief your father experienced. This is not an excuse, but as an adult you might better understand the circumstances. This also applies to fathers who remarried quickly to the disappointment (or horror) of their young, motherless, grieving daughters. 
  4. Seek help. Emotional damage may have been done to you as a child. A professional can help you move forward. Even if your mother died years ago, it’s never too late to seek help with the issues her death caused. 
  5. It’s just a day. Father’s Day is only one day out of 365. Plan something fun to take your mind off of the day’s significance, celebrate fathers you love (uncles, brothers, sons), don’t give power to the day!

Affirmation: It’s just a day.

Coaching question: How was/is your life impacted by your dad? 

Happy Father’s Day to my dad, Leon Horn – (1917-2008)

Come, Meet Me In the Field

by Mershon Niesner

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. Rumi, Persian poet

We’re all experiencing “the great divide.” Worldwide, political organizations, and the people who follow them, are taking hardline stances. A friend of mine recently said how she is making an effort to have a better understanding of people with political views different from hers. What a great role model!

It sounds like my friend wants to meet “in the field”—that wide-open space where compromise and understanding can take place.  

Affirmation: I will make an effort to meet others in the field.

Coaching questions: What does the “field” look like from your vantage point? Is it a place to meet where understanding can happen?

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash 

Take a Reward Break

by Mershon Niesner

Stop rewarding yourself with food—you’re not a dog. Author unknown (It could be Mershon’s small voice inside her head)

I recently read a paragraph in The Writer magazine that I believe applies to life in general. See if it speaks to you.

Anica Mrose Rissi, author of more than a dozen books, wrote, “Writing is a long game. As you take small steps toward larger goals, it’s important to notice, feel proud of, and celebrate minor triumphs and achievements. Pause to savor your accomplishments. Admire your best sentences. Those small boosts will fuel you along the way.”

Affirmation: Taking regular reward breaks fuel my life.

Coaching questions: What will you celebrate today? What will taking frequent reward breaks mean to the quality of your life? I will admire my best _______.