Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Mixed Message

by Mershon Niesner

I waffled between being unable to even say the words ‘my mom died’ to then wanting to talk about nothing else but my dead mom. Kate Spencer, author, The Dead Moms Club, a memoir

I’m in the middle of reading Kate Spencer’s book, The Dead Moms Club. In addition to a terrific (in my opinion) writer, Kate is also a professional comedian and the combo is dynamite….think Amy Schumer meets seriously grieving daughter.

Her quote above about talking about mom versus not talking about mom is very common….I hear it frequently as I interview daughters, especially if their mother recently died. As caring friends and family, it puts us in a difficult position. Is today the day for talking or not? I say error on the side of  “talking about.” Not the pat, “How are you doing?” but things like, “I remember that time when we ……” People want to know that others remember too. My long-time friend, Leanne, recently shared a story about my mom that happened 64 years ago. It was a one sentence memory. That single line is in my book and in my heart. Your memories count. Share them.

Affirmation: I cherish and share my memories.

Coaching questions: Talking or not talking? What works for you? When you’re able, let your friends and family in on what you’re feeling.

7 Tips For Surviving Loss

by Mershon Niesner

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004),  Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death, grief studies and author 

  1. Have no secrets – tell the truth, talk about your experience, use real words, acknowledge reality
  2. Get outside of yourself – serve others, volunteer
  3. Use affirmations – affirm yourself and your progress, state what you want and how you want to be
  4. Connect to a community – find others (on line or in person) who have had a similar experience 
  5. Seek therapy – don’t try to recover on your own if you’re struggling
  6. Be kind to yourself – honor your individual grief process, your anger, and your guilt
  7. Honor the person you have lost by working your way back to living life to the fullest

Affirmation: I have found my way out of the depths.

Coaching questions: If you’ve experienced loss, what tips might work for you? What will you do today to implement your choice? What difference might it make?

 

 

Is Mom Lost?

by Mershon Niesner

All the art of living lies in the fine mingling of letting go and holding on. Havelock Ellis, English physician, writer, progressive intellectual (1859-1939)

We often speak of “losing our mothers” or identifying ourselves as “motherless daughters.” I also use these terms but recently I’ve questioned their viability.

My mother isn’t  lost, she hasn’t been wandering through the woods or riding an endless NY subway these last 64 years. She has been and currently is dead. On the other hand, I’m not mother less. I was born of a mother and she remains in my heart, the curve of my smile, my DNA. She is literally present in my life.

Affirmation:  I walk the fine line between letting go and holding on.

Coaching questions: How do you describe yourself as a person without a living mother? How do terms make a difference?

 

Free To Be You And Me

by Mershon Niesner

A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself. Jim Morrison, American singer, songwriter

If you live in the United States of American, happy 4th of July! As Americans celebrate our country’s independence,  I’m suggesting we also celebrate our freedom to be ourselves. Exuberant or quiet, liberal or conservative, old or young, athlete or artist, outdoor enthusiast or gamer….let us celebrate our unique selves.

Having a friend that encourages you to be you is what friendship is all about. Friends who accept us, “worts and all,” give us the freedom to make mistakes, say something just a little over the top, be really sad.

Affirmation: I celebrate my freedom to be me. I celebrate your freedom to be you.

Coaching questions: What about you will you celebrate today? How do you help your friends be themselves?

Connecting The Dots

by Mershon Niesner

You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. Steve Jobs, Co-founder of Apple

In his quote, Jobs goes on to say that you have to trust in something whether it be your gut, destiny, karma, whatever. He claims that this approach has made all the difference in his life. To me, this concept is all about faith…in my case, faith in God. Sometimes our life makes no sense, we wonder why something has or is happening to us, we wonder if we are being punished or are unlucky or unprepared or just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I think Jobs is right. It’s often hard to see how the dots are connecting as we look forward. But we need to trust that in the future, as we look back, it will all make sense or at least we will have grown from the journey.

Affirmation: I trust that the dots will someday connect.

Coaching questions: What experience have you had where, looking forward the dots did not connect but now, looking back with perspective, they have? What helped you trust in the process?

Nature’s Patience

by Mershon Niesner

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. Ralph Waldo Emerson, poet, author

At the Writers’ conference I just attended I heard many stories that demonstrated patience: the author who sent query letters to 136 agents before getting a “yes”, the Oscar winning screenwriter who spent over 10 years in the trenches writing script after script before coming up with “the one,” the undaunted poet who has written poetry for years but has yet to be published.

If you are in a season of hibernation, feeling dark, wanting to stay under your covers, be patient with yourself and trust that your spring is coming soon.

Affirmation: I take my clues from nature.

Coaching question: What season are you in? What will help you have patience with your seasonal process?

Telling The Truth

by Mershon Niesner

Humans lie better than any other creature on earth, and, oh lordy, do we pay a price for it. Lying messes with our mental and physical health, obscures our happiness. Martha Beck, author

While at the Jackson Hole Writers’ Conference, I had four critiques on a few pages of my book and concept. Three were short, one was ninety minutes. Critiquing is a balance between being truly honest without destroying the hopes and dreams (unless the manuscript is truly awful) of the would-be author.

We are so programmed to tell little lies. “I’m just fine” “I’d be happy to help out.” “Yes, I know my mother is in a better place. Yes, I’m happy for her.” What if we took an honesty day and only told the truth? What a wonderful way to re-boot our sensibilities and get back to our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a truth teller

Coaching questions: How would you benefit if you told the truth 100 percent of the time? Ready to try? Let me know how it goes.

Not A Dead Sea

by Mershon Niesner

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. Muhammad Ali, Professional boxer, activist, philanthropist

The Dead Sea is a salt lake bordered by Jordan to the east and Israel and Palestine to the west. It is one of the world’s saltiest bodies of water. The Dead Sea receives beautiful fresh water from rivers and other sources but it has no outlet so no water passes out. With no outlet, the water in the sea goes dank, it goes bad. That’s why it is called The Dead Sea. It is dead because it receives but doesn’t give.

We are a part of nature just like the Dead Sea. As we receive, we must also give in order to not turn dank, shrivel up and die inside. In other words, generosity, caring for and about others is what gives us a joy-filled, healthy life. When we focus on ourselves…our own misfortunes, grief, slights, guilts, trials and tribulations…we lose the thread that attaches us to joy. We begin to unravel.

Affirmation: I find joy in giving.

Coaching questions: What keeps you from becoming a “dead sea?” What is one new way you can serve? What difference might it make in your life?

You Are Not Alone

by Mershon Niesner

We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel–“Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel.” You’re not as alone as you thought. John Steinbeck, author, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature

One purpose of writing my book, When Lightning Strikes, is to help people feel connected and understood…. to be able to say, “Wow, I’m not as alone in my experience as I thought!” 

Loss is universal. Whether it is parent loss, sibling loss, spouse loss, friend loss, health loss, or even pet loss (I just met an author who is writing a memoir of her dog)…we all have had losses in our life and, if we live long enough, will have losses in the future. Although I’m focusing on mother loss, because that is what I know best (although I have first hand experience with spouse, friend, and father loss as well), the stories of loss are universal. The questions, the grief, the guilt, the recovery, the empathy…all apply across the loss experience. 

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: If you have not “told your story” of loss to another caring person, consider doing so. How might the “telling” help you in your recovery? If you have done this and found it beneficial, how might you help another person tell their story?

Reading Nature

by Mershon Niesner

Reading nature allows us to see the roots that sustain and explain everything around us. Tristan Gooley, explorer and author of How to Read Nature: Awaken Your Senses to the Outdoors You’ve Never Noticed

Having the opportunity to experience  a variety of environments this month…Florida, Illinois, Oregon, Wyoming…I have a heightened awareness of the beauty of nature from literally seashore to mountains.  As I watched a young couple at breakfast who were obviously hikers, I was a bit envious of all the beauty they would see hiking the Cascade Mountains or, perhaps, Yellowstone National Park.

Gooley contends that most people remain oblivious to the nature around them which is sad because  “reading nature is an act that creates joy.” Even if I won’t be hiking this morning (I’m here to learn to be a better author),  I will be observant of the natural beauty around me as I honor nature while creating a bit of joy.

Affirmation: I am awake to nature.

Coaching questions: What helps you engage with nature? What difference does it make in your life?

IMG_2333Flowers along the sidewalk by the brewery where I had dinner last night.