Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Telling The Truth

by Mershon Niesner

Humans lie better than any other creature on earth, and, oh lordy, do we pay a price for it. Lying messes with our mental and physical health, obscures our happiness. Martha Beck, author

While at the Jackson Hole Writers’ Conference, I had four critiques on a few pages of my book and concept. Three were short, one was ninety minutes. Critiquing is a balance between being truly honest without destroying the hopes and dreams (unless the manuscript is truly awful) of the would-be author.

We are so programmed to tell little lies. “I’m just fine” “I’d be happy to help out.” “Yes, I know my mother is in a better place. Yes, I’m happy for her.” What if we took an honesty day and only told the truth? What a wonderful way to re-boot our sensibilities and get back to our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a truth teller

Coaching questions: How would you benefit if you told the truth 100 percent of the time? Ready to try? Let me know how it goes.

Not A Dead Sea

by Mershon Niesner

Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth. Muhammad Ali, Professional boxer, activist, philanthropist

The Dead Sea is a salt lake bordered by Jordan to the east and Israel and Palestine to the west. It is one of the world’s saltiest bodies of water. The Dead Sea receives beautiful fresh water from rivers and other sources but it has no outlet so no water passes out. With no outlet, the water in the sea goes dank, it goes bad. That’s why it is called The Dead Sea. It is dead because it receives but doesn’t give.

We are a part of nature just like the Dead Sea. As we receive, we must also give in order to not turn dank, shrivel up and die inside. In other words, generosity, caring for and about others is what gives us a joy-filled, healthy life. When we focus on ourselves…our own misfortunes, grief, slights, guilts, trials and tribulations…we lose the thread that attaches us to joy. We begin to unravel.

Affirmation: I find joy in giving.

Coaching questions: What keeps you from becoming a “dead sea?” What is one new way you can serve? What difference might it make in your life?

You Are Not Alone

by Mershon Niesner

We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel–“Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel.” You’re not as alone as you thought. John Steinbeck, author, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature

One purpose of writing my book, When Lightning Strikes, is to help people feel connected and understood…. to be able to say, “Wow, I’m not as alone in my experience as I thought!” 

Loss is universal. Whether it is parent loss, sibling loss, spouse loss, friend loss, health loss, or even pet loss (I just met an author who is writing a memoir of her dog)…we all have had losses in our life and, if we live long enough, will have losses in the future. Although I’m focusing on mother loss, because that is what I know best (although I have first hand experience with spouse, friend, and father loss as well), the stories of loss are universal. The questions, the grief, the guilt, the recovery, the empathy…all apply across the loss experience. 

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: If you have not “told your story” of loss to another caring person, consider doing so. How might the “telling” help you in your recovery? If you have done this and found it beneficial, how might you help another person tell their story?

Reading Nature

by Mershon Niesner

Reading nature allows us to see the roots that sustain and explain everything around us. Tristan Gooley, explorer and author of How to Read Nature: Awaken Your Senses to the Outdoors You’ve Never Noticed

Having the opportunity to experience  a variety of environments this month…Florida, Illinois, Oregon, Wyoming…I have a heightened awareness of the beauty of nature from literally seashore to mountains.  As I watched a young couple at breakfast who were obviously hikers, I was a bit envious of all the beauty they would see hiking the Cascade Mountains or, perhaps, Yellowstone National Park.

Gooley contends that most people remain oblivious to the nature around them which is sad because  “reading nature is an act that creates joy.” Even if I won’t be hiking this morning (I’m here to learn to be a better author),  I will be observant of the natural beauty around me as I honor nature while creating a bit of joy.

Affirmation: I am awake to nature.

Coaching questions: What helps you engage with nature? What difference does it make in your life?

IMG_2333Flowers along the sidewalk by the brewery where I had dinner last night.

Timeless Advise

by Mershon Niesner

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. Thomas Paine, Founding father

In a couple of weeks, I’m taking my granddaughter, Tuscany, and son, Dan, to see Hamilton the Musical on stage in Chicago. I’m listening to the recording in order to get the hang of the music and to better understand the story. In one early song, Aaron Burr, later Jefferson’s Vice President, offers some advise to young Hamilton who is asking him how he took the fast track through Princeton. Hamilton needs some assistance since he just punched the University’s Purser. Burr says, “Smile more. Talk less.”

This seems like timeless advise for us all…except, perhaps, the extremely shy and introverts among us. Talking less and smiling more is also the underlying principle of better listening. Intense, eye-to-eye listening is a gift to those around you…your family, friends, even strangers.

Affirmation: I listen.

Coaching questions: What motivates you to smile more and talk less? What difference does it make?

One Step At A Time

by Mershon Niesner

The first step to finding any solution is to begin by breaking the problem down into the simplest pieces you can. Bahrain Akradi, CEO and Founder of Life Time fitness

When I’m having one of those days where there is a problem at every turn, I say, “It’s like being in the Bermuda Triangle.” At first I go into overwhelm mode. I like smooth sailing, orderly process. I’m married to a wonderful “problem solver” so if I can’t solve something easily, I turn it over to Ken. You’re saying, “lucky girl”…I know.

However, once I settle down I know to follow Akradi’s advise. Break the problem down to simple steps. Don’t stress. Take one step at a time. It works!

Affirmation: I am a problem-solver.

Coaching questions: What’s your problem solving process? Does it serve you? If not, what’s a better way?

Gentle Communication

by Mershon Niesner

When communicating with someone with dementia, we always want to focus on the person and meet him or her where they are. Ruth Drew, MS, LPC, director of information and support services at the Alzheimer’s Association

Daughters I interview who have experience with dementia know that, over time, their mothers will have difficulty finding the right words or expressing a complete thought. It may be difficult, but connection remains possible (for a while) if these communication guidelines are followed.

…Connect at eye level by sitting next to or in front of your mother. Speak slowly and deliberately to her so she has time to process.

…Clear away as much of your own anxiety and frustration as possible. Your mother can read your mood and your anxiety can contribute to her shutting down.

…People with dementia are playing with a different set of rules. Don’t argue with them or try to correct facts. If your mother is frustrated and unable to express what is wrong, don’t bombard her with questions. hold her hand and acknowledge that she is having a bad day.

Affirmation: I can adjust my communication style.

Coaching questions: If you don’t have someone with dementia in your life, how can you use these suggestions to enhance communications with others….a grandchild, a disturbed friend, etc?

Two Steps Forward

by Mershon Niesner

I’m choosing to see tomorrow as another opportunity to do things a little better, and to use the knowledge I’m gaining to make small, sustainable changes–fully understanding that for every two steps forward, I may take one step back.  Jamie Martin, editor in chief, Experience Life magazine

Jamie is talking about trying to keep all her “balls of healthy living” in place…eating well, exercising, getting good sleep, relationships. For me travel can unravel my tightly wound ball of healthy living. Right now I’m suffering from too few vegetables, too many carbs, too little exercise, too much sitting. But, like Jamie, I’m choosing to acknowledge that life is ever changing and I need to adapt to the moment. This week I’m heading to Wyoming where my ball may do a bit more unraveling but I will be gaining knowledge and experience in return.

Starting July 2, I’m taking two giant steps forward…filling my fridge with fruits and vegetables, starting work with Jennifer, my trainer, and settling into a summer routine.

Affirmation: I choose healthy living.

Coaching questions: Where might you be unraveling? What will it take to get you back on track?

Let’s Get Happy

by Mershon Niesner

I’ve been claiming happiness for a long time, dreaming big dreams and using the outcomes of those dreams to bring beauty into my own life and to serve others. Oprah

People want to be happy but when asked what makes them happy, some folks dither and aren’t sure. As Dr. Phil says, “You’ve gotta name it to claim it.” Like Oprah, making a difference in the lives of others has always brought me true joy. To me happiness is more of an “in the moment” sort of thing.

Puppies and babies make my daughter, Katie, happy. Watching the birds from her kitchen window makes my friend, Nanc, happy. Blooms on my mini gardenia, sparkling water on Barfield Bay as seen from my upstairs porch first thing in the morning, angel hair pasta with homemade marinara, spotting a baby burrowing owl, a really good book, a hearty laugh with precious friends…. all this and so much more causes me to feel happy. What about you??

Affirmation: I claim happiness.

Coaching questions: List five things that make you happy. If you’re not feeling happy, what can you do to change your mood? How important is it to you to be happy?

 

Living With Purpose

by Mershon Niesner

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. Rumi, 13th century poet, scholar, theologian

People sometimes ask how I can stay positive while immersing myself in mother loss for hours a day. The same might be asked of an oncologist or mortician. Yesterday I asked myself the same question after absorbing several particularly difficult life stories in recent days. I checked in and realized that I felt fine because I know that the purpose behind my interviews and research…writing a book that will make a difference in people’s lives…keeps me traveling in the positive lane. Generally it is also cathartic and positive for daughters who are willing to share and relive their heartbreaking stories because they are confident that their resilience will be an inspiration to others.

Purpose is everything. It gets us up in the morning, keeps us going to the gym, watering our gardens, loving our families. Knowing their life can still have purpose keeps prisoners of war alive, the paralyzed engaged, caregivers still caring.

Affirmation: I have purpose.

Coaching questions: What is your purpose? What difference does it make? How has your purpose changed over time?