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The Weight of Regret

by Mershon Niesner

We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. Jim Rohn, motivational speaker

When I say “no” to a bowl of chips, I think of a version of this quote. I usually say to myself, Eventually discipline will have to intervene—now or 100 pounds from now. Choose wisely. I use this concept with relationship issues as well like choosing (mostly) to not respond to inflaming and, frequently, untrue political posts on Facebook or, more seriously, to tell someone I love that I’m sorry.

I try to keep a “clean slate” with people I care about. It’s been my experience that one never knows when there will no longer be a chance to say “I’m sorry” or “I forgive you.”

Affirmation: I choose discipline.

Coaching questions: Are you in danger of carrying around the weight of regret? What will it take for you to exercise discipline in this matter?

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Photo by i yunmai on Unsplash

Gratitude Makes Sense

by Mershon Niesner

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie, author

Did you know that positive thoughts create pathways in the brain? The more you feel gratitude, the easier it becomes. In addition, you’ll attract more for which to be grateful.

The motherless daughters I spoke with who found the path back to gratitude seemed to have also found a way to move forward in their lives. Expressing gratitude may sound like a cliche but being grateful for even the smallest thing will make a difference in your life. 

Affirmation: I am grateful.

Coaching questions/request: How do you show gratitude? When you were at a low point in your life, how did gratitude lift you up? Say thank you to God for His creation, to a person in your life for their love, or to yourself for noticing that you’re grateful. 

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Photo by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash

Treasure Your Small Memories

by Mershon Niesner

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” Abraham Lincoln

One of the few memories I have of my mother is the “coffee klatches” she and I attended in backyards on sunny summer mornings in Grand Island, Nebraska. Neighbor ladies congregated at ten, with kids in tow, to have a cup of coffee, enjoy each other’s companionship while taking a break from housework. 

What a lovely, lost tradition. It was late 1940’s to early 1950’s when we talked with each other face to face and lived at a slower pace. I “took care of” the younger kids. I was eight or younger but I was the big kid that pulled red wagons and tossed balls.

Affirmation: Memories are precious.

Coaching question/request: What’s a small, early memory of another time that is precious to you? Sit with your memory, allow yourself to float back to that time and place; soak in the moment.

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Photo by Blake Meyer on Unsplash

Ten Phrases We All Like To Hear

by Mershon Niesner

Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert

It’s important to let the people in your life know that you are listening to what they say and hearing what they mean.

Here are ten things people generally love to hear, or questions they like to be asked – IF they are genuine and from the heart.

—I was thinking about you

—What do you think?

—I’m curious about _______, tell me more.

—I’m proud of you! 

—I miss you.

—I am praying for you.

—I really admire _________ about you. 

—I saw this _________ and it reminded me of you.

—Last time we talked you said ________, how’s that going?

—Thanks for being a special friend to me.

Affirmation: I listen.

Coaching question: What will help you think less about what people are thinking about you and more about expressing what you think about others?

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Photo by Mimi Thian on Unsplash

Can You Laugh At Yourself?

by Mershon Niesner

I, myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions. Augusten Burroughs, American writer

I find people who can laugh at themselves very attractive. Self-deprecating individuals have enough self-esteem to make fun of their flaws, speak with direct honesty, and make me laugh. While these folks are tickling my funny bone, they are doing something good for themselves as well. Experts link self-deprecating humor with increased levels of optimism and an opportunity to be perceived as more lovable and approachable.

Laughing at ourselves introduces a little cheer into our otherwise serious world and lets others know it’s okay to be imperfect.

Affirmation: I can laugh at myself.

Coaching questions: Do you have a person flaw or social faux pas story you tell on yourself? How do people respond to you? How do you perceive people who can laugh at themselves?

 

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Photo by Anastasia Vityukova on Unsplash

Who Are Your Closest Five?

by Mershon Niesner

In prosperity our friends know us. In adversity, we know our friends. Colin Powell, American politician and retired four-star general 

Friends are exceptionally important to me. As an early loss, motherless daughter and only child, I frequently seek out women to fill the mother/sister void in my life. I’ve learned that in adversity we know our friends, as General Powell says. In my lifetime, I have disappointed people, made them angry, and lost their trust. Some friends retaliated and abandoned me, others, the true friends, stood by me knowing I needed help to regain my balance. I’ve learned to carefully chose my friends. 

Jim Rohn, author and motivational speaker, says, “The most intimate of our associations, the closest five, have the greatest impact on our self worth, our habits, and our lifestyles.” Choose your five well—be one of the five for someone else. Friends matter!

Affirmation: I choose my friends carefully. 

Coaching questions: What do friends mean to you? If you don’t have close friends, how might you cultivate meaningful relationships? In what ways do you show up as a friend?

IMG_3763.jpgOne of my closest five

Celebrating Our Diversity

by Mershon Niesner

Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. Martin Luther King Jr

At a time when the history of slavery is relegated to a few paragraphs in some school textbooks, it behoves us to educate the public on the accomplishments of African Americans throughout the years since slavery. 

The Black History Month 2020 theme, “African Americans and the Vote,” is in honor of the centennial anniversary of the Nineteenth Amendment (1920) granting women’s suffrage and the sesquicentennial of the Fifteenth Amendment (1870) giving black men the right to vote.

President Gerald Ford officially recognized Black History Month in 1976, calling upon the public to “seize the opportunity to honor the too-often neglected accomplishments of black Americans in every area of endeavor throughout our history.”

In my family, the theme is “Blended makes us beautiful!” Honoring our diversity keeps us alert to injustice.

Affirmation: I honor and respect the accomplishments of my black brothers and sisters.

Coaching questions: What does diversity, in all aspects of life, mean to you? This month, I’m celebrating Rosie, an American of Haitian descent, who I helped obtain a college scholarship. Who will you celebrate? 

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Mating Birds to Hearts and Candy

by Mershon Niesner

Much like love itself, St. Valentine and his reputation as the patron saint of love are not matters of verifiable history, but of faith. Lisa Bitel, Professor of History and Religion

Today, in the United States and England, people are celebrating Valentine’s Day, known as the day of love. However, Valentine’s Day began as a feast to celebrate the decapitation of a third-century Christian martyr, or perhaps two. St. Valentine wasn’t a patron of love. In fact, there were several Valentinus saints over the years, none of whom were particularly romantic.

According to historians, the romance part started with Chaucer, author of The Canterbury Tales who wrote about birds mating in February. Soon, nature-minded European nobility began sending love notes during bird-mating season. Industrialization took over by mass-producing cards and then Hersey and Cadbury stepped into the picture. And, as they say, the rest is history—or not.

Affirmation: I celebrate love.

Coaching question: How do you handle things that aren’t as they seem? 

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Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

There’s More to Grief Than Sadness

by Mershon Niesner

There are no happy endings. 

Endings are the saddest part. 

So just give me a happy middle, 

And a very happy start. 

—Shel Silverstein, author

My experience of grieving showed me that grief is more than sorrow and sadness. Writing for medium.com, psychologist, Nick Wignall, concurs. “By limiting our grief exclusively to sadness, we end up invalidating the emotionally complex nature of grief. While sadness is often a large or even dominant part of our emotional reaction to loss, it’s almost never the only one.”

As I interviewed daughters who were grieving the loss of their mothers, I recognized emotions as wide-ranging as anger, disappointment, fear, anxiety, and, yes, even joy and thankfulness for what their mothers meant in their lives. 

Affirmation: I can grieve in many ways.

Coaching questions: What emotions show up for you when you’re in the process of grieving? How do you acknowledge and validate your wide range of emotions? 

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Photo by Ellieelien on Unsplash

It’s Possible to Be Joyful Again

by Mershon Niesner

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose; all that we deeply love becomes a part of us. Helen Keller

Loss of a loved one is always difficult. It’s the price we pay for having a great love. However, we can be joyful again as we learn to accommodate to life after loss.

C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed likened accepting your life after loss to a man learning to walk after a leg has been amputated. Lewis writes, “The amputee may get along quite well, may even become facile and agile on crutches or on a carefully designed artificial limb. But the amputee must accommodate to permanent loss. He or she will never walk as before; repair does not mean a return to the way things were.”

Our life will never be as it was before our loss but knowing that those we love are always a part of us, we can be joyful again. 

Affirmation: I can be joyful again after loss.

Coaching questions: How are you different after loss? In what ways have you accommodated to your loss? What will help you be joyful again? 

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