Life after losing a mother

Tips On Powering Down

January 6, 2019January 6, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

There are many things of which a wise man might wish to be ignorant. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist

A 2017 study published in Journal of Affective Disorders found that the more time 18-22 year-olds spent on social media the more likely they were to have symptoms of anxiety. You may not be in that age group, but at any age social media can be eroding your self-esteem and increasing your anger and frustration quotient. And it’s not just social media. Having a phone pinging all day, interrupting your thoughts, conversations, and work isn’t doing you any favors either.

If you think you are being negatively influenced by media, set aside time everyday to disconnect. Start with small increments. Consider being phone-free during meals, the last hour before bed, during your daily quiet time. Your friends, family, and self-esteem will thank you.

Affirmation: I can power down.

Coaching questions: Take a moment to consider your social media and smart phone habits. How are they contributing to your overall well-being? What’s working, what isn’t? Will you take the challenge to power down during certain times of the day? What difference might it make?

What Are Your Three Wishes?

January 5, 2019January 5, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

I don’t regret what I’ve been through. I’ve had ups and downs, super highs and some really low lows. I’ve been so blessed that I could never say, ‘I wish this didn’t happen.’ It’s part of who I am. Jennifer Lopez, performer and much more

Alexa, that Internet “thingie” that answers all of your questions when you ask her, moved in today. It’s like having a Genie In A Bottle. It made me wonder, If I had a Genie for real, what would I wish for? Like Lopez, I wouldn’t change much in the past or present. The highs and lows of my life formed me, molded me into this less-than-perfect, 73-year old woman with whom I’m pretty comfortable.

If you’ve experienced recent loss, my guess is you would wish it away. But the inevitable can’t be wished away forever. All living things come to an end, we just want them to stay with us as long as possible. Perhaps that’s a reasonable wish. I’d also pick world peace, eradication of cancer, Alzheimer’s and other horrible diseases, and I’m not too crazy about hurricanes. But I choose not to wish my life away. How about you?

Affirmation: I have no regrets.

Coaching questions: If you had three wishes, what would they be? How have you been changed by the ups and downs of your life? What will help you be content with where you are in your life right now?

Keep Your Lantern Bright

January 4, 2019January 4, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly. Unknown.

While talking with my granddaughters over Christmas, I was struck by the complexity of issues facing thirteen and fourteen year olds today. Questions around gender identity and sexual orientation, issues with absent parents, bullying, the stress of handling advanced placements. Both granddaughters come from stable homes and have few major issues of their own but they each tend to be the person to whom their friends express their problems. I cautioned each of them to listen to their intuition, to not take on more than they can handle, and to set boundaries with their friends. (I sprinkled this into the conversation so it didn’t sound like a list of to-dos)

This is good advice for people of all ages. Having been a social worker, I know it’s difficult to walk the line between self-care and being a friend and confidante. At times we must say things like, “I know you’re really hurting right now and I want to listen and help you but I need to step back a bit. Perhaps we can talk about it later.” If you become overwhelmed by the problems of others, you no longer can help them or yourself.

Affirmation: I can set boundaries.

Coaching questions: If you’re a confidante for your friends and family, how do you maintain your boundaries? Practice saying things, like the quote above, in advance so you’re ready when the time comes if you need to step back a bit from the overwhelm of the problems of others.

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What Changes Are In Your Future?

January 3, 2019January 3, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Nothing is so painful to the human mind as a great and sudden change. Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley, author

When my late husband, Keith, literally dropped dead of a heart attack at the age of fifty three, I experienced first hand the “great and sudden change” Shelley is talking about. This year, we will all experience change–hopefully not great and sudden but one never knows. Basic self-care practices—good sleep, healthy food, exercise, taking breaks— can help you navigate future change more smoothly.

“Start making small changes when you’re not stressed,” says psychiatrist Henry Emmons, MD, author of The Chemistry of Calm. “Think of it like exercise. If you’re trying to get in shape, you don’t try to do a month’s worth of workouts in one day.”

The same is true when training yourself to deal with the stress response. The more you learn how to calm your mind when your stress is small, the better prepared you will be for the big change that will inevitably come your way.

Affirmation: I am ready for change.

Coaching questions: Consider how well you handle change. What will you do to prepare yourself now to handle change more effectively in the future? What difference might it make?

What To Do About Ungrateful Grandsons

January 2, 2019January 2, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude. A.A. Milne

Today I received my first email in response to a new Ask the Life Coach column I’m writing for the Coastal Breeze, my local newspaper. The emailer wrote, “I sent each of my three grandsons $150 and never received a thank you or even a wish for a Merry Christmas.” She’s wondering what to do about this dilemma. I frequently hear a version of this from many others. An attitude of gratitude must be taught. Somewhere, someone dropped the ball and raised kids with small hearts and little appreciation.

If the grandsons are older, I would address them directly. “Did you receive my check?” “What did you spend the money on?” Text them if they’re teens. If they are young, address your child, their parent, and ask them similar questions. Don’t sweep this under the rug if it’s bothering you. Even if the parent isn’t taking responsibility for teaching their children gratitude doesn’t mean you can’t have some influence.

Affirmation: I model gratitude.

Coaching questions: If you have ungrateful people in your life, how are you addressing the issue? What would happen if you spoke out about it? If you’re disappointed or angry about a lack of gratitude, don’t let the issue go unaddressed.

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

January 1, 2019January 1, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

The idea of potential is seductive because you never have to leave that fantasy. Âyodeji Awosika, author

“Someday I’ll figure out what I really want to do when I grow up,” says the sixty year old banker, the seventy-five year old grandmother, the thirty year old attorney. The truth is, you probably know what you want to do, who you want to be, you’re just afraid to go there. I might fail, what will other people think, I will disappoint my parents, it will be too much work, I’m too old, I’m too young,

It’s a new year, a new start. Today is the day of all days to unravel the layers of judgment, rationalization, fear, and insecurity that are holding you back. Grab hold of your dream, your wish, your greatest desire and take a step to make it reality. Someday may never come but today is here. Have the courage to live how you want to live and be who you want to be.

Affirmation: I am courageous.

Coaching questions: What do you want to be “when you grow up?” What’s keeping you from going there? What step will you take today to move forward?

Use Your Power in 2019

December 31, 2018December 31, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Don’t underestimate your power. Hate is potent, but so is kindness. And goodness, and grace. Use yours generously. Oprah

2018 has been a tumultuous year in the United States and elsewhere in the world. Mass shootings, political unrest, war, lies, hatred, climatic disasters, children separated from parents, discrimination, sexual abuse and assault. It’s easy to feel powerless in the wake of psychological and physical chaos.

But, as Oprah says, “what I know for sure,” is how you treat every person in your sphere can and will make a difference. Don’t underestimate the power of goodness, kindness, and empathy. Don’t underestimate the power of your modeling—to children and others. Do what you can to make 2019 a gentler, kinder year.

Affirmation: I have power.

Coaching question: What one behavior will you change in 2019 to make a difference in our troubled world?

Are You Good Enough?

December 30, 2018December 30, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

I assessed my goals, analyzed my outcomes, counted my wins. One proving ground only opened onto the next. Such is the life of a girl who can’t stop wondering, “Am I good enough?” From Becoming by Michelle Obama

Whenever I read an autobiographical memoir like Becoming, I’m encouraged to learn that the human condition of self-doubt is experienced by all. Am I good enough? was a common question Michelle Obama asked herself throughout her childhood and well into her professional life as a successful attorney.

The world frequently looks at an accomplished woman and thinks she has always been confident and had an easy path. This is rarely the truth. Check out My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor and many others. Determination, hard work, and pushing through disbelief on the part of others and yourself is what pays off. Hang in there.

Affirmation: I am good enough.

Coaching questions: How will/did you overcome the Am I good enough question? To whom do you turn for encouragement when self doubt creeps in? What is one thing you can do to move towards I AM good enough?

Understanding Debbie Downer

December 29, 2018December 29, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

Do you know a Debbie Downer? Have you ever wondered why a person is predisposed to negative thinking? Our psychological predisposition comes from many sources of course, not the least of which is our upbringing. However, I found the following quote by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, to be very enlightening.

Dr. Hanson says, “Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones. From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today. To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

I’m sad to say that I have limited loving memories of my mother but I do have a few negative ones. Dr. Hanson’s findings help me to understand this fact of my life experience. Perhaps his wisdom will help you also.

Affirmation: I embrace my memories.

Coaching questions: What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What will help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Get Off The Roller Coaster

December 28, 2018December 28, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Success isn’t magic; it’s generally the product of picking a good system and following it until luck finds you. Scott Adams, author of How To Fail At Almost Everything and Still Win Big

Tis the season of resolutions and goal setting. I’m a Life Coach and I’m supposed to be all about goals, right? For 2019, I’m changing my tune and suggesting success (whether business or personal) is about systems, exercised with such consistency they turn into habits.

Want to lose weight? Rather than setting a weight loss goal, create a system of eating and exercise. “I will exercise thirty minutes, four days a week and lower my carb intake to two a day.” Want to attract more clients? “I will make three cold calls a day.” Want to have more peace in your life? “I will sit quietly ten minutes a day.” You get the picture. Wondering how systems are different from goals? They sound suspiciously similar. Goals can be attained, which is a good thing (I’m not suggesting you eliminate goals), but then what? We lose those ten pounds, goal accomplished, and we resume our old habits. Once a system becomes a habit, there is no end. The behavior continues, you stay healthy and successful and you get off the roller coaster of annual goal-setting/achievement/failure.

Affirmation: I create systems designed for success.

Coaching questions: What systems do you need to put in place? What’s standing in your way of doing this? How will your life be different if you create positive systems for success?