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“To all my little Hulkamaniacs, say your prayers, take your vitamins and you will never go wrong.” Hulk Hogan

I take my vitamins everyday. As I’ve aged I’ve added calcium and now turmeric…I know, it’s a “fad-vitamin” but it works for East Indians so why not.

Vitamins are meant to supplement what we eat…especially now that our soil is depleted and our air less pure. But what kind of “vitamin” do we take when our soul is depleted, our heart aches or we are running low on internal fuel?

The answer varies from person to person. After her mother died, Cheryl Strayed, as she writes in her book “Wild”, found that walking The Pacific Crest Trail was her vitamin. Personally, I wouldn’t recommend it…I’m just starting the book and she’s finding it to be really rough going. But I’m guessing the end will be happy…it was a #1 New York Times bestseller after all.

Affirmation: I have vitality.

Coaching questions: What’s your “life vitamin”? If you don’t have one, what might work for you?

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway.” On a card on my bulletin board.

Children innately protect themselves from being different. Although I was a fairly confident kid, the years following my mother’s death (about ages 9-12), I would make an excuse to leave a group if the conversation turned to family. I didn’t want to say, “I don’t have a mother.” Being different felt scary.  In those days, I didn’t even know anyone with divorced parents much less anyone who had a parent that was missing or dead.

Now I’m mostly an open book…but not completely. I haven’t totally bought the truth of the quote above. You know the old saying about when you point a finger the other four are pointed at you? I’m still working on my judgmental nature so perhaps that is why I’m frightened about the judgments of others. Something to ponder.

Affirmation: I love me anyway.

Coaching questions: Are you an open book? If not, why not? What is scary for you to reveal?

“Living is not enough…one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.” Hans Christian Andersen

Here on Marco Island, we have flowers the year around…one reason I love living here. But for those of you in northern climates, ’tis the season of crocus poking their heads through the snow or cherry blossoms about to bloom. It was always a thrill for me to discover that first sign of spring in my garden.

As you can tell, I’m a big fan of flowers…growing in the yard, in a vase on the kitchen table, potted on the porch. I read somewhere that when you buy flowers at the grocery store they are as good for your health as the broccoli next to them. I believe it!

Feeling low? Buy yourself some flowers.

Affirmation: I will surround myself with what brings me joy.

Coaching question: What will you put around you that brings you joy?

“Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life.” Janine di Giovanni

I just finished reading Kristin Hannah’s new novel The Great Alone, a page-turner about dysfunctional families, hope, renewal, new life,  the sweeping beauty of outback Alaska in the ’70s and the grueling realities of living off the grid.

At the end of the book the author says of the main character, “Like all motherless girls, Leni would become an emotional explorer, trying to uncover the lost part of her, the mother who had carried and nurtured and loved her. Leni would become both mother and child; through her, Mama would still grow and age. She would never be gone, not as long as Leni remembered her.”

Affirmation: I am a “memory bank”

Coaching question: What are your two most precious memories? In what ways are you an “emotional explorer?”

 

“An exciting and inspiring future awaits you beyond the noise in your mind, beyond the guilt, doubt, fear, shame, insecurity and heaviness of the past you carry around.” Debbie Ford

When my oldest daughter, Winnie, was in high school she had a good friend who was continually guilty…feeling guilty if she was with friends and not family, guilty if with family and not friends and so on. When she was at our house I’d hear her talking about her guilt and I would come by with my imaginary Guilt Spray (my Deep Woods Off style   guilt repellent) and spray her from head to toe. We’d all laugh of course but I was serious in my desire to help her know that she need not carry around so much guilt.

For those of us who are Christians, Easter week is a special time for us to accept the reconciliation and the redemption of Christ. A time to turn over our guilt and be free. Christian or not, guilt isn’t doing serving a purpose for any of us. Shed the “if I’d only been there at the end”, ” I could have done more”, “I was angry the last time we spoke,” etc. thoughts that circle in your head. Write them down, burn them up, talk to someone about your feelings, do what you can to move away from your guilt.

Affirmation: I am free of guilt.

Coaching questions: What guilt are you carrying around? What is it costing you? What’s one step you’ll take today to relieve yourself of this burden?

“So long as the memory of certain beloved friends lives in my heart, I shall say that life is good.” Helen Keller

A woman I spoke with who had lost her mother years ago called her sudden memories “bubble-ups.” One bubble-up for her was, “My mother had many friends, sometimes I wonder where they were after she died.” One of my bubble-ups is whenever I hear The Prayer on the radio, I think of Keith’s and my wedding. Another one is when the University of Nebraska football team takes the field, I can’t help but shed a tear…my dad is right there. We are frequently blind-sighted by our bubble-ups. A memory suddenly assails us and brings tears…perhaps many years after the death of a loved one. It’s normal and okay.

Affirmation: My tears are beautiful.

Coaching questions: What “bubble-ups”  have you had? How have you handled them?

“The reason I exercise is for the quality of life I enjoy.” Kenneth H. Cooper

I’m blessed with good genes. At almost 73, I take no meds and generally feel great. I’m a lucky gal. However, I honor my good genes (once I was out of my 30’s, it was all gravy to me as my mother and grandmother both died in their 30’s) and my “good luck” by healthy living. Fresh, healthy, mostly home cooked food, lots of sleep, an active faith, regular exercise, and a support group of non-toxic, loving friends and family, is a great recipe for good health.

Exercise is especially important for folks experiencing emotional trauma or those who are care-givers. Take time for personal care. Make it a top priority. You’re worth it!!

Affirmation: I am worth taking care of.

Coaching question: What do you need to do to physically be the best you can be? What one thing will you add to you life this week to move your good health meter forward?

“Better the hard truth, I say, than the comforting fantasy.” Carl Sagan

I recently had the opportunity to talk with a honest, straight forward, 60-something daughter whose mother has dementia. She hadn’t responded to an interview request, we just happened to be sharing about such things. She said her mother was belligerent, sharp-tongued, even mean at times. I asked her if this is the result of the dementia. “No,” she replied, “she’s always been like that.”

Not all mothers, dead or alive, were/are sweet, loving, caring people. It is just fantasy, as Sagan says, to believe so. Sometimes when people die they become “saints” in our memories or, at least, in our sharing about them. Hiding real experiences and feelings slows recovery and keeps us from being our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a gentle truth teller.

Coaching questions: Is there some truth telling you need to do about someone in your life?  How can you move towards at least being truthful with yourself?

“Forgetfulness is a form of freedom.” Kahill Gibran

How often do we say, “I forgot….the keys, the sweater, the birthday, the number, etc.”? For most of us of a certain age, some forgetfulness is routine. But what about those whose life is slipping away, those who have passed up forgetfulness and are sitting in dementia?

As I interview folks for my book on mother loss, I find it particularly heartrending when I talk to daughters who are losing their mothers to Alzheimer’s disease. One woman said, “My mother is lost but not gone.” This mother has forgotten her daughter and everyone else who used to be important to her yet she is still alive and may live for many more years. One daughter’s story exemplified Gibran’s quote. She said, “My mother used to have great anxiety and worry. As a result, she was often angry and depressed. Now, because of her dementia, she is free of worry and is experiencing joy.” Of course, this daughter knows that her mother’s situation will worsen but in the meantime she is embracing the moment.

Perhaps you have lost or are losing your mother to this terrible disease. I can’t imagine what pain you’re experiencing but I can stand beside you and support you through it.

Affirmation: My brain is alive and well.

Coaching question: What does your ability to think, remember, reason mean to you?

“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” James Cascio

Whatever your views on gun control, I think you must admit that we had a weekend of youth demonstrating resilience. Just weeks after surviving a horrific massacre in their school, they were speaking eloquently, bravely, and persuasively.  Each had recently endured a great loss…a friend, a relative, their innocence.

I think one take-away for us, besides this enduring example, is the strength they found from one another. Many motherless daughters have found strength in a shared experience through motherless daughters groups (you may have one in your community). For me the groups affirmed how fortunate I was to have such a great dad, for others, it was a relief to find other women who had lived through similar realities.

Affirmation: I am resilient.

Coaching question: If you feel you lack resilience, what will you do today to build that muscle? Here are some ideas: share your experience, journal,  draw, make an effort to look at your life through a new lens, talk/share your time with someone less fortunate.