Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

I Am A Seed!

June 3, 2019June 3, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

They tried to bury us but they didn’t know we were seeds. Mexican proverb

As a woman entrepreneur in the ’80’s, a single mom, a motherless daughter raised by a dad, a sudden widow, a board chair leading mostly men, there were times in my life that I felt the pressure of “being buried.” However, little did society, neighbors, corporate men know—I was a seed. In spite of the difficult circumstances or environment, I grew, I blossomed, I thrived.

A young, Mexican American, disabled woman recently quoted this proverb when speaking to her fellow graduates at a college commencement. To a much greater extent than I, she certainly must have felt buried many times. But, on that commencement day, she was a seed who had blossomed into a beautiful flower.

Affirmation: I am a seed.

Coaching questions: What’s causing you to feel buried? What will help you bloom?

Have a Funeral In Your Heart

May 31, 2019May 31, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

The few trees still upright were stripped of their branches, lonely flagpoles without a nation to claim them. Mike Mullin, author

More than three hundred twisters have wrecked havoc across the midwestern US states over the last two weeks alone. This is in addition to the unprecedented flooding across several states. People are in mourning for their possessions, their way of life, and the idea of life being the way they wanted it to be.

In Asian philosophy, this mourning of the loss of how we thought life would be is called Ego Death. I profoundly experienced this when I was divorced over twenty-five years ago. I mourned the loss of a nuclear family and how I thought my life would be. Those who have lost their homes, possessions, livelihood, or their way of life must be willing to have a funeral in their heart. Grieving the loss of our expectations, as well as possessions or even loved ones, is an important step towards recovery. There is no way around grief. To move forward, the path is straight ahead.

Affirmation: I accept the importance of grieving no matter what the loss.

Coaching question and request: What have you lost that you have yet to grieve? This could be something less profound than a parent, child, or spouse. Perhaps it is your innocence about the world. The loss of a friend, your most prized possession, or your way of life. Take a moment to think about your unfinished business around grief. Then do the work of having a funeral in your heart.

Photo by Nikolas Noonan on Unsplash

Looking Through the Eyes of a Martian

May 29, 2019May 29, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us. Iris Murdock, author

Here in the United States, it’s nearly summer and flowers are starting to bloom. Those first buds are the best, especially if the winter and spring were long and difficult. With so much flooding and tornados around the country, a sunny summer day filled with flowers will be a welcome relief.

I love imagining, as Murdock did, what flowers would look like from the viewpoint of a Martian. My guess is, they would be wondrous beyond words. Take a moment today to look outside and see your world with Martian eyes. See all that is blooming and have a sense of wonder beyond words.

Affirmation: I see my world with new eyes.

Coaching questions: What are you taking for granted in your life? What wonders of nature do you appreciate the most? What helps you stay in wonder mode?

When Is Enough Enough?

May 27, 2019May 27, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain

In the United States, today is Memorial Day, a day to remember those who served in the military. As much as I love honoring veterans and active service members, Memorial Day is, more specifically, about honoring those who lost their lives in service to our country.

The greatest loss of life for the U.S. was in our own Civil War where brother fought brother killing 623,026 when our population was only thirty-one million.

In total, 1,316,771 American lives have been lost to war. In addition, I shutter to think of the millions of men, women, and children who have been killed in wars worldwide. What can we do to stop the killing, maiming, and emotional trauma?

Affirmation: I will seek peace.

Coaching questions: Thinking of the loss others have experienced is helpful in dealing with our own losses. Who are you thinking of today? What was their contribution to our freedom? What’s one thing you can do to promote peace in the world?

Below is a photo of my dad. Although he served in both WWII and Korea, he was one of the lucky ones who returned home to live another fifty-six robust years working in a Veterans’ Hospital.

Remembering What’s Important

May 24, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

I’ll always remember the things you taught me and how much you loved me. Unknown

My mother died sixty-five years ago today. She was in my life for eight short years. I have mostly defined her influence on my life by her death; the importance of living each day to the fullest knowing that life can be short and how I grew to be independent and self-confident as a motherless daughter. It was only recently, as I wrote my book on mother loss, that I finally began to consider what she taught me before her death.

As she set card tables with linen cloths and handprinted china for her bridge club, she taught me how to be a gracious hostess and value of women friends. When she reprimanded me after I stuck my tongue out at the closed front door as she called me in for dinner, she taught me to show respect. Along the way, she also taught me manners and where to put the forks. I’m grateful for the things my mother taught me and I’m grateful for her love.

Affirmation: I will always remember.

Coaching questions: What did your mother teach you that you’re grateful for today? What are your precious early memories? What will your children, grand children, nieces or nephews remember as they recall your influence in their lives?

My family circa 1948

What’s Keeping You From Eating Together?

May 22, 2019May 22, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Researchers have confirmed what parents have known for a long time: Sharing a family meal is good for the spirit, the brain, and the health of all family members. Anne Fishel, PhD, cofounder of Harvard’s Family Dinner Project

Thirty-five years ago, my son, Dan, returned home from junior high and asked, “Did you know that most families don’t eat dinner together?” Apparently, his health teacher had asked how many in the class regularly had dinner with their families and he was only one of about three to raise his hand. He just assumed everyone ate dinner together every night. All these years later, the family dinner is even more of a relic.

Yet, research links family dinner with lower rates of substance abuse, depression, better grades and enhanced self-esteem. Here are a few tips to make family dinner happen.

1. Make the commitment. Start with one meal, find a date that works, and put it on everyone’s calendar.

2. Keep the food simple. Even healthy take-out, when eaten together, is a step.

3. Make the meal time fun. This isn’t a time for grilling kids about grades or family arguments. Stash the phones, look at one another, and laugh a lot!

Affirmation: My family benefits when we eat together.

Coaching questions: What keeps your family from eating meals together? What can you do to change this circumstance at least once a week? How will you get buy-in from the others? How committed are you?

Symbols Matter

May 19, 2019May 19, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Symbols are the imaginative signposts of life. Margot Asquith, author

Pink carnations have always been special to me because they were the flowers on my mother’s casket and one of the few memories I have from the months following her death. I think they were randomly chosen but perhaps my dad chose them for their meaning. I’ll never know.

In the Dictionary of Flowers at the end of the book, The Language of Flowers, pink carnations (Dianthus Caryophyllus) mean I will never forget you. According to Mr. Google, it’s believed that pink carnations first appeared on earth from the Virgin Mary’s tears, making them the symbol of a mother’s undying love. It’s no wonder they have always held a special place in my heart.

Affirmation: I honor the symbols in my life.

Coaching questions: What symbols do you hold dear? What do they mean to you and why? How do they help you keep your memories alive?

Help For Those With Mental Illness

May 16, 2019May 16, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

A diagnosis has been enough without being burdened by secrecy and shame. Jane Pauley, television journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Although we have made progress in our understanding, treatment, and acceptance of mental illness, we still have a long way to go. When any other organ is diseased or distressed, there is sympathy, understanding, and readily available treatment.

When the brain is diseased or distressed we frequently say, “Really?” Or “Just get over it already.” Or “You seem fine to me.” Sometimes, we think less of a person because they think or act in a way that is unclear to us. We need to champion those professionals and organizations that serve the misunderstood, unrecognized, and under-treated.

Affirmation: I acknowledge and champion those with mental disabilities and disease.

Coaching questions: I can almost guarantee you know someone with a mental illness. How can you help them come out from under the mantel of secrecy and shame? If you’re deeply depressed, suspect you’re bipolar, or have other possible mental health challenges, I urge you to seek professional help just as you would if it was another type of illness.

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Will Your Life Be Filled With Lemons or Will You Make Lemonade?

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to YOU. Josh Shipp, youth motivational speaker

Of course, the natural and appropriate response to loss is sadness and grief. However, it’s been my experience that when the focus remains on the one you lost, there is less despair and depression than when the focus remains on yourself. When we get stuck in saying or thinking, “Why me? It’s not fair. How can I possibly cope?” we stymie our ability to move forward. So much depends on how we respond to our experience.

The motherless daughters I interviewed who moved forward with their lives, frequently talked about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short, rather than all they lost because of her death. Both conversations are appropriate but focusing on the former seemed to lead to more joy.

Affirmation: I choose to get better.

Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?

Gratefully Celebrating Mother’s Day

May 11, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie, author

Mother’s Day can be difficult for many women, not just those of us who have lost our mothers. It can be difficult for women who are estranged from their mothers, have no children but wish they did, those who have lost a child, or those who are away from their family.

For me, gratitude always helps me cope. I’m grateful for the friendly smile, bright eyes, and sunny personality I got from my mom, I’m grateful for my three wonderful children, three step kids, eight grands, eleven step grands, and five (almost seven) step greats. What a bountiful life I have! And even though it’s a day for mothers, I am especially grateful for my dad who partnered with me to create a joyful childhood and beyond.

There will be a bit of sadness in my celebration tomorrow but mostly there will be gratitude.

Affirmation: I’m grateful.

Coaching questions: What helps you feel grateful on a difficult day? What difference can you make in someone else’s day today?

IMG_1479 (2).jpg Me and my mom, circa 1953