Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Ask Yourself These Three Questions

by Mershon Niesner

We know so many things but we don’t know ourselves. Go into your own ground and learn to know yourself there.  Meister Eckhart, German theologian

Naikan is a Japanese word meaning “inside looking” or “introspection.” Naikan, used as a method of self-reflection, was developed by Japanese Buddhist, Yoshioto Ishin. The Naikan approach broadens our view of reality and helps us heal the past. Naikan reflection is based on three questions:

What have I received from __________?

What have I given to ____________?

What troubles and difficulties have I caused __________?

These questions will help you reflect on your relationships and see them from all sides. They can be helpful in the process of forgiveness, understanding, and a reality check on your own behavior.

Affirmation: I’m willing to look inside.

Coaching question/request: Take 20 minutes and reflect on these questions. Consider using them as prompts in a daily meditation. What difference might the answers make in your life?

Discovering the Heart of Change

by Mershon Niesner

Conversation is the currency of change. Margaret Wheatley, American author

In a time when there is great division in our country and around the world, conversation is paramount. Change happens when “the other” has a name, a face, and is willing to honestly share his or her views. You may still have differing opinions. However, when there is conversation, there is the possibility of relationship, understanding, and change.

It’s comforting to gather with like-minded friends and colleagues. It’s a growth opportunity to expose oneself to diverse ideas, cultures, ages, life-styles. 

Affirmation: I want to be in conversation.

Coaching questions: In the past, what conversations have helped you change and grow? What conversation do you need to have today?

Remembering Pearl Harbor

by Mershon Niesner

Remember Pearl Harbor, never again. The Pearl Harbor motto.

On the morning of  December 7, 1941 there was a surprise military attack on Pearl Harbor, a U.S. naval base in Hawaii. The battle was the tipping factor that convinced the United States to enter into World War II.

As we come together in remembrance, we celebrate the ultimate triumph of the human spirit. However, no matter the result, war is always brutal and ugly. My dad,(shown here,  hated all war. Besides WWII, he also served in the Korean conflict and spent his civilian career working in a Veterans’ Hospital. He witnessed the human devastation of war first hand. I pray that as we honor those who have lost their lives defending our freedom, we learn from our past. If only the motto were true—never again.

Affirmation: I remember.

Coaching questions: How do you connect to this day in history? What contribution can you make to “never again?”

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Consider Going On a Media Diet

by Mershon Niesner

It turns out what you watch, read, listen to and play can affect your mood, temper, and even how generous and kind you are to others afterwards. Elaine Shpungin Ph.D., founder of Conflict 180 

If you are coping with significant change in your life, you may want to consider going on a media diet. Maybe you’re a fan of violent or dramatic games or shows. During a time of transition—the death of a loved one, divorce, job loss—when your emotions are close to the surface, you might opt for comedy instead. 

According to research by the Mayo Clinic, laughter calms the stress response and releases endorphins. Also consider your social media exposure. Although you may receive support from your friends via social media, managing your own feelings can be difficult enough without comparing yourself to others.

Affirmation: I take note of my media habits.

Coaching questions: How is your media consumption affecting your actions or mood? If changes are needed, what steps will you take this week?

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Is It a Wonderful Time of Year?

by Mershon Niesner

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” the song says. But that’s not true for everyone. For some, it’s the most difficult time of the year. Too much loneliness, too little money, too much stress, too little love. Maybe this is true for you. If it truly is a wonderful time of the year for you, what can you do to make it better for someone else? 

Sometimes a visit, a listening ear, a bright smile can make a difference to someone who is feeling low. Be mindful of those around you.

Affirmation: I can make a difference.

Coaching questions: What’s something you can do make the holidays better for someone who is having a difficult time? What can you do for yourself if you are in need? How can you ask for help?

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It’s All About Ability

by Mershon Niesner

The human spirit is one of ability, perseverance, and courage that no disability can steal away. 

Yesterday was the International Day of Persons with Disabilities. A day to promote understanding and to support the dignity, rights and well-being of people with disabilities. I like the positive terms, differently-able or mobility challenged. 

My best friend is wheel-chair bound and is one of the most joyful, fulfilled people I know. She is eighty-three, lives alone in the country, is involved in her church and community, and has a long-list of family and friends who love being around her. Her mobility is challenged but her life is all about ability—-sociability, lovability, faith ability. She is my inspiration.

Affirmation: I am not defined by what I can’t do.

Coaching questions: How do you perceive those who are mentally or physically challenged? What can you do to promote understanding and support for people who are differently-able? 

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Telling the Hard Truths

by Mershon Niesner

Better the hard truth, I say, than the comforting fantasy. Carl Sagan, American astronomer

I recently had the opportunity to talk with a honest, straight forward, 60-something daughter whose mother has dementia.  She said her mother is belligerent, sharp-tongued, even mean at times. I asked her if this behavior is the result of the dementia. “No,” she replied, “she’s always been like that.”

Not all mothers, dead or alive, were/are sweet, loving, caring people. It is just fantasy, as Sagan says, to believe so. Sometimes when people die they become “saints” in our memories. Hiding or denying real experiences and feelings slows recovery and keeps us from being our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a gentle truth teller.

Coaching questions: Is there some truth telling you need to do about someone in your life?  How can you move towards being truthful with yourself?

Tears Are As Precious As Pearls

by Mershon Niesner

Think of all the incredible things we didn’t get to hear because someone was scared we would see them cry. Jennifer Palmieri, author

In her book Dear Madam President, Jennifer Palmieri writes an open letter to future women leaders. Her advise is, don’t try to immolate men, be who you are. Jennifer writes, “Think of all the times you have heard someone say they passed on sharing something that was particularly moving because they didn’t think they could get it out without crying. That’s a shame.” 

I know I’m holding back a part of myself that might be valuable to others when I don’t share my tears. Some of our most important communications are through our tears.

Affirmation: My tears are a special part of me.

Coaching questions: What have you held back because you were afraid of displaying tears? What difference might you make if you are willing to be vulnerable?

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Five Steps to Earning Trust

by Mershon Niesner

I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you. Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

Trust is the measure of a quality relationship. This is true of friends, business associates, world leaders. Here are four behaviors that demonstrate trustworthiness. 

  1. Keep confidences. When you share confidential information, you destroy your trustworthiness with both the person you have betrayed and the person with whom you have shared the information. 
  2. Show vulnerability. When you open up and share your goals and values with others, they perceive you as more trustworthy. You have “skin in the game” and something to lose.
  3. Respect boundaries. Set clear boundaries for yourself and hold them. In turn, honor the boundaries of others. 
  4. Speak face to face. Twitter, Facebook and other social media outlets have become a breeding ground for distrust. If you have something important to say, speak to the person directly. 
  5. Tell the truth. As Nietzsche says, once  the foundation of truth-telling is broken, it can take a great deal for someone to trust again.

Affirmation: I am trustworthy.

Coaching questions: How do you measure trustworthiness? How do you instill trust in others? What’s one thing you can do to be perceived as a more trustworthy person? 

Lessons From Baby Twain

by Mershon Niesner

The only limits you have are the limits you believe. Wayne Dyer, author and speaker.

Samuel Clemens, known as Mark Twain, was born on this day in 1835. Baby Clemens arrived prematurely in a two-room shack in Florida, Missouri. He was a frail infant and sickly child, prompting his mother to admit, “When I first saw him, I could see no promise in him.” As the creator of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Clemens is one of America’s best known authors despite ending his formal schooling after the fifth grade.

The lesson here—you are more than your packaging, your education, your upbringing. You can accomplish great things if you set your mind to it. Never give up or give in and, your Mama doesn’t always know best. 

Affirmation: I can overcome.

Coaching questions: What do you see as limiting factors in your history? What can you do to overcome them and soar to new heights? What’s one step you will take today? 

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