Author: Mershon Niesner

I’m the motherless daughter of a motherless daughter. My mother died when I was 8, her mother (my grandmother) died when my mother was 3 of unrelated causes. At 73 years old, I have the perspective of life experience. On this blog I want to affirm, encourage and embrace daughters who have lost or are losing their mothers to early death, abandonment, or dementia. I'm also writing a book on the topic entitled Mom's Gone,Now What? I'd be delighted to interview you for this book if you have lost or are losing your mother. Please contact me. A retired Life Coach and author of Ribbons of Love...affirmations for abundant living, I include an affirmation and coaching questions with each blog post to offer you assistance in moving forward with your life in a positive way. A mother of three, step mother of three, grandmother of eight, step-grand of 11 and step-great grand of three, I have the opportunity to add whimsy to my posts. I live on beautiful Marco Island, Florida, returning to the suburbs of Chicago in the summer to spend time with family. However, I'm a Nebraska Girl at heart, having grown up there and the off-spring of Nebraska pioneers. I've been divorced, widowed and am currently married to my wonderful husband, Ken. Life has given me many opportunities for growth. Welcome to my blog...feel free to interact with me, I will always respond to your questions or comments. My goal is to build community and relationships.

Recovery

by Mershon Niesner

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is now. Chinese proverb

As I walked our neighborhood here on Marco Island, Florida this morning, I noticed that there is still hurricane recovery going on everywhere. If you’re one of my international friends, on September 10, 2017, Irma, a category 3 hurricane, made landfall on our island. Although the general clean up was completed months ago, many, many roofs are still under repair, tree stumps are dotting yards, fans, lighting, siding, pool cages are still being replaced…and on and on. This is eight months after the storm. Fortunately, at our house, we are 98 percent restored with just fence repairs, some window finishing and painting to be complete but it has been a long haul.

The message that came to me this morning…recovery takes time and things might not be exactly as they were before the storm. It seems to me that this is true in life as well. After a “life storm”, recovery takes time, it may be in stages, new “trees” must be planted, and life will not be the same. It takes perseverance and resilience to weather the storms of life.

Affirmation: I am resilient and persistent.

Coaching questions: How are you doing with your recovery? What has helped you be persistent and resilient in your life’s journey? What can you do better?

Mom and Me

by Mershon Niesner

Life began with waking up and loving my mother’s face. George Eliot, pen name for Mary Anne Evans, English novelist, poet, leading writer of the Victorian era.

Sadness usually comes upon motherless daughters as Mother’s Day approaches. The day has always been a little sad for me too…even after all these years. These days, I’m doubly sad because I don’t get to spend time with my children or grandchildren on Mother’s Day.

However, one thing I’ve learned is that when I focus on what my mother meant to my life in the short time she was with me and how fortunate I was to have a wonderful father, my heart becomes lighter. When it’s less about what I lost and more about what I gained…yes, gained…by losing a mother at an early age my heart is lighter.

When I was growing up, our church had a Mother/Daughter Banquet. An elderly lady, Mrs. Pierce, always invited me to attend with her. What a loving thing to do. This week, I will remember her too.

The photo is my mom and me taken on vacation a few years before she died, circa 1950.

Affirmation: I am because we were.

Coaching question: What will help you feel less sad this week? How can you help a motherless daughter have a better day?

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Generosity

by Mershon Niesner

When you throw your bread out on the waters of life, it comes back buttered. Rev. Stanley Weems, my Presbyterian Pastor 47 years ago

The above quote is one of my very favorites. I believe it 100 percent. Which is to say, I think that when you are generous without expecting anything in return, good things frequently come back to you. Not only that, I believe that generous people are happier people. However, once when I told an overwhelmed friend of mine who was a very giving person, she responded, “Just be careful it doesn’t come back jammed as well.”

Archbishop Tutu in The Book of Joy says, “I’ve sometimes joked and said God doesn’t know very much math, because when you give to others, it should be that you are subtracting from yourself. But in this incredible kind of way…I’ve found that to be the case many times…you gave and it then seems like in fact you are making space for more to be given to you.”

Affirmation: I am generous.

Coaching question: In what ways can you become more generous? What difference might it make in your life?

Remembering Those Who Don’t

by Mershon Niesner

She would grab whatever she could – a look, a whisper, a moan – to salvage from perishing, to preserve. But time is most unforgiving of fire, and she couldn’t, in the end, save it all. Khaled Hosseini, author, A Thousand Splendid Suns

According to the Alzheimer’s Association, every 65 seconds someone in the United States develops Alzheimer’s. Between 2000 and 2015 deaths from heart disease have decreased 11 percent while deaths from Alzheimer’s disease have increased 123 percent.

For daughters who are losing their mothers to this disease, these are not only numbers…to them, it is their life! They know how to help their mother through upsetting changes and situations. Perhaps you don’t –  so here are four tips:

Approach the person calmly from the front using positive statements.

Reassure the person by touching their hand or shoulder.

Don’t argue with the person or try to correct them. Affirm their experience and redirect their attention.

Respond to their emotions rather than to the content of their words.

Alzheimer’s 24/7 Helpline is 800-272-3900.

Affirmation: I care about others.

Coaching question: What can you do to help fight this deadly epidemic? (spread the word, donate, volunteer)

 

KISS

by Mershon Niesner

Live simply so that others may simply live. Mother Teresa

We’ve all heard about the KISS system of living…Keep It Simple, Stupid. We live in a complex, complicated age. Although, people in every age probably had the same thought, “A wheel? Why do you want to complicate our life with a contraption like that!?”

Chip and Joanna Gaines of Fixer Upper fame have launched yet another project, Magnolia Journal, a lovely magazine that has their Magnolia Manifesto in each copy. I quote only part of it here, “We believe that newer isn’t always better and that there is something inherently good in hard work. We believe that it’s time for the pendulum of trend to swing back to the basics. We believe in subtle beauty, the kind that doesn’t deteriorate with age or wear.” They go on to talk about the importance of family, life balance, courage to try new things, and learning from our mistakes.

I too believe that “stuff” isn’t what makes life fulfilling. For me, it is family, friends, faith, a sense that we are making a difference…simple things that take a lifetime to cultivate. Sometimes, if there is a hole in our hearts, we try to fill it with stuff…in my experience, this doesn’t work.

Affirmation: I  strive to live simply so others may simply live.

Coaching questions: In what ways are you unnecessarily complicating your life? If you pared down the “stuff” what difference would it make? Are you accumulating stuff in order to fill an empty space in your heart?

You’re Not Alone

by Mershon Niesner

We are lonesome animals. We spend all of our life trying to be less lonesome. One of our ancient methods is to tell a story begging the listener to say — and to feel–“Yes, that is the way it is, or at least that is the way I feel.” You’re not as alone as you thought. John Steinbeck, author, recipient of the Nobel Prize for Literature

Since I’ve started interviewing women who have lost their moms through death, abandonment, or dementia, I’ve often said that even if I never write this book (which I am and I will), it has been worth it. Why? Because nearly every woman I have spoken with says its wonderful to be heard by someone who understands. Several share experiences they have never talked about before. There are tears and there’s laughter. Nearly all 50, so far, have said that they felt less alone after sharing their story.

When I share part of my journey with them they say, “Yes, that’s how I felt too!” We both feel less alone, less separate, less different, more understood. It makes it so worth it!

Affirmation: I am heard and understood.

Coaching questions: With whom can you share a healing story? What would that story be? What difference might it make?

Lost But Not Gone

by Mershon Niesner

The struggle of my life created empathy – I could relate to pain, being abandoned, having people not love me. Oprah Winfrey

As difficult as it is to lose a mother to death or Alzheimer’s, I have found, in talking with motherless daughters, that being abandoned by a mother is the most difficult loss of all. Abandonment means there are unresolved issues and questions like, “Was I not good enough?” “Was I not lovable enough?” For those of us who are mothers, we find it difficult to understand how a mother can abandon her children….just think how the child, now an adult, feels!

One abandoned daughter said to me, “It would have been easier if she would have died. Her leaving us broke us.” Another abandoned daughter, Carol, offered this advice, “You are not alone. Trust in God to fill the empty place in your heart. No person can fill this hole…not stuff, not your husband, not your children. Everything has a purpose and we are made to glorify our Creator. We can find joy…even in unfavorable circumstances.”

Carol sums up, “We have free will to choose anger and resentment, loneliness and low self esteem or, faith, strength, joy and purpose in our lives.” 

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: How have your life experiences made you more empathetic? Think of a specific example.

Debbie Downer-ism

by Mershon Niesner

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

If you tend to be a Debbie Downer, have you ever wondered why? Our psychological predisposition comes from many sources of course…not the least of which is our upbringing. However, I found the following quote by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, to be very enlightening.

Dr. Hanson says, “Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones. From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today. To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

I’m sad to say that I have few loving memories of my mother but I do have a few negative ones. Dr. Hanson has helped me to understand this mystery in my life experience. Perhaps his wisdom will help you also.

Affirmation: I embrace my memories.

Coaching questions: What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What will help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Mom’s Cooking

by Mershon Niesner

The smell of slow cooking spread around the house and impart a unique warmth matched only by the flavor of the food. Yotam Ottolenghi, chef restaurant owner, food writer

I’m hosting my cooking group for lunch today. As a member of Smoking Pots (makes you smile…right?), I’m responsible for one project per year. With Mother’s Day around the corner and my head steeped in motherloss via this blog and a book, I decided to have folks bring a favorite dish their mom or grandmother made along with the story and recipe.

I made pressed chicken, a chicken and plain gelatin concoction that tastes better than it sounds and is beautiful. Once inverted, it has a design of lemon slices, pimento and green olive slices on the bottom (top). I vaguely remember my mom making it for her bridge club and years ago I used to make it for summer lunches. It was fun to recreate.

Affirmation: My cooking spreads love.

Coaching questions: What do you remember of your mother’s cooking? What was your favorite dish as a child? How have you created memories for your family?