Life after losing a mother

Mourning an Old Friend

April 29, 2019April 25, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for a while. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they’re never dead in your heart. Unknown

Last week a dear friend of mine died. She was young, in her early 70’s (I consider anyone who is younger than me young). She had been ill for a long time so perhaps she was ready to “move on.” As friends, we shared experiences of guilt and redemption, laughter and tears. We had a honest, down-to-earth relationship. When we regularly met for lunch during our working-girl years, we always ordered the same thing. We didn’t want to waste our talk-time on looking at the menu.

As I grieve her death, I’m reminding myself what I’ve written in my book and counseled others. I’m making an effort to focus on Ginger rather than myself. I’m remembering what she meant to me and others who loved her. I’m celebrating her freedom from pain and illness. I’m sad but grateful. Loved you, Ginger!

Affirmation: I celebrate life and friendship.

Coaching questions: How do you grieve the loss of a friend? What helps you honor your sadness while embracing gratitude?

Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

How to Curtail the Complaining

April 25, 2019April 25, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness. Echart Tolle, author

I’ll admit it. Sometimes, I’m a “complainer” which is probably why I object to hearing the complaints of others. I’m reminded of the pointing hand – one figure pointing forward, four fingers pointing inward.

When complaining seems to be the agenda, I need to have this list handy:

Honor the person who is speaking by listening carefully. This will ground the relationship so changing direction will seem more positive.
Redirect the conversation by saying something like, “I know I’m changing the subject but I’m wondering how you’re doing with _____.” Stay focused on your friend as you move away from the negative energy.
Have the goal of engaging in a honest conversation about negativity and complaining. Envision you both rolling your eyes and saying, “Here we go again with the negativity. Let’s get back to having a positive conversation.”

Affirmation: I will stay positive and talk about how to move forward.

Coaching questions: What’s a complaint you commonly make? How is complaining working out for you? If you have chronic complainers in your life, how might you redirect their negative energy so it doesn’t infect you?

Experiencing the Heart of Culture

April 23, 2019April 23, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Music, food, art, science, storytelling all help us to understand ourselves, each other, and our environment, through head and heart. This is culture. Yo-Yo Ma, cellist

Renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma recently played outdoor concerts in Laredo, Texas and Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. His intention was to highlight the connection between the two countries, regardless of current border politics. Ma believes that culture turns “the other” into us. It does this through trust, imagination, and empathy.

Ma says he used believe that culture needs a seat at the table, an equal part in our economic and political conversation. Ma has changed his mind. “I now believe that culture is the ground on which everything else is built. It is where the global and local, rural and urban, present and future confront one another.” He’s putting his belief into action. His recent performances were part of an ongoing project. He’s playing Johann Sebastian Bach’s six Cello Suites in thirty-six countries around the world in an effort to unite us all.

Affirmation: I will use culture to embrace those who I perceive to be different.

Coaching questions: How can you use music, food, art, science or storytelling to understand yourself and others? What has been your experience of culture? If you see it as “high brow” or something foreign to you, are you willing to rethink this position and see it through the eyes of Yo-Yo Ma?

Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

Quoting Gandhi on Easter

April 21, 2019April 21, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act. Mahatma Gandhi, Indian activist

You might think it strange that, as a practicing Christian, I’d quote Gandhi, a Hindu, on Easter Sunday. Gandhi, the father of Indian independence, had a goal of religious pluralism. His vision was for people with different religious beliefs to co-exist with mutual understanding. In his quote above, he is championing Jesus and describing his crucifixion as a “perfect act.” What Christian could say it better?

Today is the pinnacle of the year for Christians. The day this man who “offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others” rose from the dead after being crucified. For Christians, Jesus’ resurrection is personal. I hope that for all Easter is a symbol of hope, renewal and new life.

Affirmation: Hallelujah! Christ is risen.

Coaching questions: If you’re a Christian, what does Easter mean to you? How has Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection changed your life? If you’re not a Christian, how might you embrace the Easter message of renewal in your life? To whom do you turn in times of grief, pain, or great joy?

Hope–Life’s Best Medicine

April 17, 2019April 17, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Hope is the thing with feathers; That perches in the soul;

And sings the tune without the words; And never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson, poet

As we struggle with the physical and emotional pains of life, hope is our best medicine. Hope gives us the sense that things will work out. I hold this belief in the value of hope based on my own life experiences and the stories of others.

Dr. Jerome Groopman, who holds a chair in medicine at Harvard, writes in his book, The Anatomy of Hope, “Hope gives us the courage to confront our circumstances and the capacity to surmount them. For all my patients, hope, true hope, has proved as important as any medication I might prescribe or any procedure I might perform.” If your hope is waning, search for “the thing with feathers,” as Dickinson so eloquently writes. Chase hope down, then hold it fast. Never give up hope.

Affirmation: I am filled with hope.

Coaching questions: How has having hope served you in the past? How can it serve you now? If you’re feeling low on hope, where can you get a recharge? What can you read, to whom can you speak or pray?

Photo by Ron Smith on Unsplash

How to Live a Thousand Lives

April 15, 2019April 15, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The person who never reads lives only one. George R.R. Martin, author and creator of Game of Thrones

Today, I challenge you to put down your smart phone, turn off the tv, give the video game controller to your whiny little sister, and pick up a book. Not just any book, a good book. One that has a topic or story line that interests you. A book that tickles your imagination or challenges your thinking.

Did you know reading improves your concentration? It also improves discipline, memory, and builds self-esteem. It helps relieve stress and makes you more empathetic. You’ll have a better vocabulary and you’ll live longer if you’re a reader. I didn’t make this up. These facts are borne out by research and the World Literacy Foundation. I’m with Groucho Marx who said, “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” Way to go, Groucho.

Affirmation: I love to read.

Coaching questions: If you’re not a reader, what keeps you from it? How might reading enrich your life? If you are a reader, how will you share your love of reading with another person?

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Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Finding Success In Work You Love

April 12, 2019April 12, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

If you love your work, if you enjoy it, you’re already a success. Jack Canfield, author

This week I interviewed Sarah, a daughter who lost her fifty-six-year-old mother to breast cancer when she was twenty-one. I went to college with her mother and fondly remember her. Here’s part of her story.

“When mom died I asked myself, What can I do to make myself happy? What would mom have wanted? I decided I wanted to share her value of doing work she loved. One of my mom’s great gifts to me was the love of books. By giving me this gift, she gave me what I needed to survive without her and be happy. I am a journalist and I love my work.”

Loving her work has translated into success. Sarah is a James Beard Award nominated freelance food writer, editor, and recipe developer. She’s been a staff food editor at Food & Wine, Parade, and Food Network Magazine. Her work has appeared in the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and Martha Stewart Living to name a few. The Fall of 2017 she published Adventures in Slow Cooking (see photo) and she’s currently completing a book about premature birth experiences.

Sarah discovered a way to move forward after her loss, honor her mother, and create a satisfying work life for herself. Her mother would be so proud of her.

Affirmation: I will do the work I love.

Coaching questions: Are you doing work you love or, if retired, activities you love? If not, what’s keeping you from it?

Are You Willing to Stick Your Neck Out?

April 10, 2019April 10, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Behold the turtle/tortoise. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out. James Bryant Conant, American chemist

Happy Gopher Tortoise Day. You might not recognize this auspicious day if you don’t live in the southeastern sector of the United States. Here on Marco Island, Florida, gopher tortoises are abundant.

The gopher tortoise is seen as a keystone species because it digs burrows that provide shelter for at least 360 other animal species. They are threatened by predation and habitat destruction. The turtle (somewhat different from the tortoise) is a sacred figure for the Native American. It represents Mother Earth and is a symbol for good health and long life because he/she can live up to 150 years. The hard shell of the turtle represents perseverance and protection.

Affirmation: I have the perseverance and long life of a turtle and I’m willing to stick my neck out for the sake of progress.

Coaching questions: What qualities do you share with the tortoise or turtle? How do they serve you?

Oscar, a gopher tortoise, is my quiet and faithful neighbor.

What Do Friends Mean to You?

April 5, 2019April 5, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

When the world is so complicated, the simple gift of friendship is within all of our hands. Maria Shriver, journalist

One of my best friends recently gave me the gift of the little handmade purse pictured here. She crafted it out of a piece of decorative paper. It fastens with a tiny piece of velcro. It’s so precious to me, mostly because it is a sign of our friendship.

In my life experience, friends have been especially precious. Growing up with no mother or siblings heightened my dependence on, and desire for, special friends in my life. I’ve found that it’s not about the amount of friends I have but the quality of the friendship. There was a period in my life when I had no best friend. I felt lost. Now, I’m blessed with several. Some close-by, some in other states. They are my sisters by a different mother and my treasure.

Affirmation: I will be the best friend I can be.

Coaching question: What do friendships mean to you? How do you find, nurture, and keep friends in your life? If you’re short on special friendships, what step will you take to find a good friend?