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“The reason I exercise is for the quality of life I enjoy.” Kenneth H. Cooper

I’m blessed with good genes. At almost 73, I take no meds and generally feel great. I’m a lucky gal. However, I honor my good genes (once I was out of my 30’s, it was all gravy to me as my mother and grandmother both died in their 30’s) and my “good luck” by healthy living. Fresh, healthy, mostly home cooked food, lots of sleep, an active faith, regular exercise, and a support group of non-toxic, loving friends and family, is a great recipe for good health.

Exercise is especially important for folks experiencing emotional trauma or those who are care-givers. Take time for personal care. Make it a top priority. You’re worth it!!

Affirmation: I am worth taking care of.

Coaching question: What do you need to do to physically be the best you can be? What one thing will you add to you life this week to move your good health meter forward?

“Better the hard truth, I say, than the comforting fantasy.” Carl Sagan

I recently had the opportunity to talk with a honest, straight forward, 60-something daughter whose mother has dementia. She hadn’t responded to an interview request, we just happened to be sharing about such things. She said her mother was belligerent, sharp-tongued, even mean at times. I asked her if this is the result of the dementia. “No,” she replied, “she’s always been like that.”

Not all mothers, dead or alive, were/are sweet, loving, caring people. It is just fantasy, as Sagan says, to believe so. Sometimes when people die they become “saints” in our memories or, at least, in our sharing about them. Hiding real experiences and feelings slows recovery and keeps us from being our authentic selves.

Affirmation: I am a gentle truth teller.

Coaching questions: Is there some truth telling you need to do about someone in your life?  How can you move towards at least being truthful with yourself?

“Forgetfulness is a form of freedom.” Kahill Gibran

How often do we say, “I forgot….the keys, the sweater, the birthday, the number, etc.”? For most of us of a certain age, some forgetfulness is routine. But what about those whose life is slipping away, those who have passed up forgetfulness and are sitting in dementia?

As I interview folks for my book on mother loss, I find it particularly heartrending when I talk to daughters who are losing their mothers to Alzheimer’s disease. One woman said, “My mother is lost but not gone.” This mother has forgotten her daughter and everyone else who used to be important to her yet she is still alive and may live for many more years. One daughter’s story exemplified Gibran’s quote. She said, “My mother used to have great anxiety and worry. As a result, she was often angry and depressed. Now, because of her dementia, she is free of worry and is experiencing joy.” Of course, this daughter knows that her mother’s situation will worsen but in the meantime she is embracing the moment.

Perhaps you have lost or are losing your mother to this terrible disease. I can’t imagine what pain you’re experiencing but I can stand beside you and support you through it.

Affirmation: My brain is alive and well.

Coaching question: What does your ability to think, remember, reason mean to you?

“Resilience is all about being able to overcome the unexpected. Sustainability is about survival. The goal of resilience is to thrive.” James Cascio

Whatever your views on gun control, I think you must admit that we had a weekend of youth demonstrating resilience. Just weeks after surviving a horrific massacre in their school, they were speaking eloquently, bravely, and persuasively.  Each had recently endured a great loss…a friend, a relative, their innocence.

I think one take-away for us, besides this enduring example, is the strength they found from one another. Many motherless daughters have found strength in a shared experience through motherless daughters groups (you may have one in your community). For me the groups affirmed how fortunate I was to have such a great dad, for others, it was a relief to find other women who had lived through similar realities.

Affirmation: I am resilient.

Coaching question: If you feel you lack resilience, what will you do today to build that muscle? Here are some ideas: share your experience, journal,  draw, make an effort to look at your life through a new lens, talk/share your time with someone less fortunate.

“Stay in your seat come times of trouble. Its only people who jump off the roller coaster who get hurt.” Paul Harvey

It’s Palm Sunday, the day Jesus was hailed a hero as he entered Jerusalem. But, as a Christian, during this week I will also remember his persecution, death, mourning of his followers, sightings, all culminating in a joyous resurrection celebration next Sunday. Talk about a roller coaster ride!

Life’s like that for us too…not as dramatic or memorable but a roller coaster ride never the less. Perhaps you have had the life changing low of a stroke, mother loss, husband loss, divorce, child loss, the emotional devastation of war. As Paul Harvey says, stay in your seat, ride it out and envision a resurrection of sorts at the end.

Affirmation: I’m strong. I can ride out the storms of my life.

Coaching questions: What is “holding you in your seat?” What’s your vision at the end of the ride?

“Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it.” Helen Keller

One of my “companion” books…those books we refer to over and over…is How to Be Your Own Best Friend by Mildred Newman and Bernard Berkowitz with Jean Owen. Mildred and Bernard were married and were both practicing psychoanalysts and psychologists. This book was written in 1971. When I was going through my divorce nearly 30 years ago, I literally carried this book around with me in my purse. It was a dark time for “being my own best friend.”

One of the tidbits of profound information in this tiny book is about suffering and how we often continue to suffer emotionally because there is a hidden payoff which is the familiarity, security and comfort in the old familiar ways of living and feeling. But, just as we can step out of our comfort zone in other realms of our life, stepping away from suffering is also possible whether it is through therapy, journaling, prayer, or physical activity…to name a few.

If you are still suffering over the loss of your mother after many years, ask yourself if this is what she would want for you. Ask yourself if this is the best way to honor her memory. Ask yourself what the payoff is for you to remain in this suffering mode.

Affirmation: I am free.

Coaching question: What will you do to move away from suffering? How will your life look without it?

“My research shows that writing 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days about a traumatic event in your life has measurable health benefits that last for days, weeks, even months.” James W. Pennebaker, social psychologist , University of Texas, Austin

I’m definitely a talker but I’ve always been a writer as well. Years ago I wrote poetry, I’ve written a book (I’m currently writing a book), I earned a living writing newsletters, brochures, scripts. For my well-being, I’ve written daily gratitude journals, prayer journals, affirmations. I’ve never written for the purpose of healing specifically, but I don’t doubt Pennebaker’s research.

When I turned 50 and had a Croning Ceremony, my therapist, Barbra McCoy Getz, had me write a letter to my mother who had been dead 42 years at the time. It was a healing opportunity that definitely helped me get in touch with some deep-seated feelings.

Affirmation: My writing heals me.

Coaching questions: If you believe this research to be true, what will you write about? What difference to you expect it will make?

“Knowing how to die well makes it possible to live well.” Mark Helprin, author

It’s Book Club at my house this morning and we are going to discuss Mark Helprin’s book, Paris In the Present Tense, an interesting story of a 74 year old man set in Paris with WWII flashbacks. Helprin, in an interview with Open Letters Monthly, says his novel is about, among other themes, “dying well.”

I believe in the concept of dying well. Although my late husband, Keith, was only 53, he had one of those easy deaths we all hope for…a major heart attack while working out at the gyn that literally killed him before he hit the floor. However, there were no conscious “dying well” decisions in his experience since he had no choices to make. Dying well reminds me of the guy who knew he was dying and started taking donuts to school kids just for the joy of it…his and theirs. Or the grandma whose grandson took her on a tour of the U.S. knowing she was terminal.

Affirmation:  Today I will live life to the fullest.

Coaching question: What is your “dying well” story? How do you see your own death?

“I wanted to send you something special but how in the world do you send a HUG?”

This is a precious little cross stitched card I have on my bulletin board above my desk. My best friend, Nanc, sent it to me right after the hurricane when she knew I really needed a hug. She lives in Illinois…I live in Florida. We all need hugs, touches, pats…physical contact. Babies die without it. Nanc has the best hugs of anyone I know!

I didn’t come from a “huggie” family. My dad and I said, “I love you” every night but there wasn’t much physical affection between us. Right after my mother died, we went to California to visit my Aunt Lucy who had many Italian and Portuguese friends. One lovely Italian family with several daughters came running towards me with arms open when they first saw me…this little motherless girl. I was horrified! This was definitely out of my comfort zone. I endured and learned that not all families were like mine. Now…so many years later, I appreciate that outpouring of love for a stranger.

Affirmation: I deserve love and affection.

Coaching question: Think about your last hug. How did it feel? How do you respond to affection?

 

“If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” Abraham Lincoln

Like President Lincoln, I enjoy both tea and coffee although, I’m a very recent convert to coffee. First thing in the morning I love lemon green tea then, before exercise, it’s iced coffee, followed by iced The Republic of Tea Ginger Peach with lemon during the afternoon. Treating myself to good tea is worth it. I enjoy it while it nourishes my body with needed fluids.

One of the few memories I have of my mother was the summer neighborhood coffee klatches she and I used to attend. Neighbor ladies would congregate about ten in the morning, kids in tow, to have a cup of coffee, enjoy each other’s companionship while taking a break from housework. What a lovely, lost tradition. It’s a precious memory for me of ladies sitting in someone’s backyard on their lawn chairs chatting away. Sometimes I “took care of” the younger kids. Of course, I was eight or younger but I thought I was “older” and pulled red wagons and tossed balls.

Affirmation: I am mindful of everything that goes into my body. I eat carefully, slowly, with reverence for the food and for myself.

Coaching question: What’s a precious memory you want to savor today while you are enjoying your coffee or tea?