Life after losing a mother

Involved Dads Make a Big Difference

June 16, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

My father gave me the greatest gift one can give another person, he believed in me. Jim Valvano, American basketball player, coach, commentator

Today is Father’s Day in the U.S. As dads evolve from being distant breadwinners to fuller family participants, statisticians are evaluating outcomes of involved fatherhood. Fathers who participate in their children’s lives produce better outcomes on nearly every measure of child wellbeing.

For instance, according to recent statistics, children who grow up with an involved father are: Thirty-nine percent more likely to earn mostly A’s in school, sixty percent less likely to be suspended or expelled from school, twice as likely to go to college or find stable employment after high school. Kids with involved dads are seventy-five percent less likely to have a teen birth and eighty percent less likely to spend time in jail. I grew up with an involved dad in the fifties, long before it was a trend. His participation in my life was a game-changer for this motherless daughter. Thanks Dad!!

Affirmation: I’m grateful for my dad’s involvement in my life.

Coaching questions: What difference did your dad make in your life? If you’re a dad, what difference are you making in the lives of your children? What can you do better?

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Searching For Purpose and Pleasure

June 14, 2019June 14, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

To be truly happy, you need to feel both pleasure and purpose…..and you may require each to different degrees at different times. But you do need to feel both. I call this the pleasure-purpose principle–the PPP. Paul Dolan, author of Happiness by Design

Hedonism is the pursuit of happiness via sensory pleasure and comforts. Eudaemonism is the pursuit of happiness through efforts to live a virtuous life and become a better person. There’s evidence to show that living well means balancing these two aims.

If we choose one to the exclusion of the other, we can end up feeling like we’re missing out which may cause anxiety, depression, or chronic disease. One way to obtain balance is to notice when experiences provide a sense of both pleasure and purpose then create more of these moments in our lives. The little girls below seem to have found the balance. Can you?

Affirmation: I have both pleasure and purpose in my life.

Coaching questions: Can you name a time when you experienced both pleasure and purpose? What helps you keep both pleasure and purpose active in your life? What gives you pleasure? What gives you a sense of purpose?

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

What’s Your Purpose?

June 12, 2019June 12, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

There continues to be a growing body of research to support the impact of purpose on mental and physical health and how it can lead to longer life expectancy. Blue Zones newsletter

Dr. Robert Butler, the first director of the National Institute on Aging, estimated that an ability to define your life meaning adds to your life expectancy. His study found that individuals who had something to get up for in the morning that made a difference to them, lived longer and were sharper than those who did not.

My friend and I recently discussed this issue and drew the same conclusion. We also concluded that, as we age, we frequently need to overcome challenges, either mental or physical, to do that which brings meaning to our life. Sometimes our goals have to change with our abilities. Quilting might take the place of rigorous gardening for instance. As I consider this issue, I’m reminded of Helen Keller and Stephen Hawking. Physical disability need never be a factor as we define and carry out a meaningful life purpose.

Affirmation: I have purpose in my life.

Coaching questions: How do you define your purpose? What gets you up everyday (especially if you’re retired)? If you feel lost, how will you discover renewed purpose in your life?

Photo by BBH Singapore on Unsplash

Yes,Virginia, There Are Bad Mothers

June 10, 2019June 10, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

The taboos about dissing our mothers, and the myths of motherhood which portray all mothers as loving, serve to isolate unloved daughters. Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life

Moving forward after experiencing a childhood with no love and a blatant message of “I wish you hadn’t been born” is particularly difficult. In addition to the experience of having an unloving mother, the challenge of communicating with others about their experience causes ongoing pain and, at times, rejection from friends and family. Mothers tend to be defended and put on a pedestal, especially by motherless daughters.

I recently interviewed an unloved daughter. After many years, it was still a difficult story for her to tell and rarely, if ever, told to anyone. It was a relief for this lovely woman to have a non-judgmental listener and an opportunity to tell the unvarnished truth. All mothers have bad days but some are truly bad mothers who leave life-long scars.

Affirmation: I am open to the stories of others.

Coaching questions: How can you remain open to the challenging stories of others? What understanding do you need today? Where will you find it?

Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

D-Day Taught Us To Never Give Up

June 6, 2019June 6, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

It was unknowable then, but so much of the progress that would define the 20th century, on both sides of the Atlantic, came down to the battle for a slice of beach only six miles long and two miles wide. President Barack Obama

June 6, 1944, seventy-five years ago today, was the largest seaborne invasion in military history. The landings on Normandy Beach were initiated by the Western Allies in an effort to liberate mainland Europe from Hitler’s reign and Nazi occupation during World War II. The Allied infantry began landing on the coast of France at 6:30 a.m. and by midnight, over 150,000 British, U.S. and Canadian troops had landed in Normandy.

D-Day was a massacre with about 9,000 Allied soldiers either dead or wounded. Even with the massive losses, D-Day enabled the Allied forces to gain momentum and turn the tide toward liberation.

How does D-Day speak to you other than eliciting gratitude and awe for their courage? To me, it says , “Never give up.” Faced with tremendous odds and death-defying conditions, 150,000 troops carried out orders and never gave up. The people they liberated never gave up. The voice of freedom never gave up.

Affirmation: I will not forget. I will never give up on my goals, dreams, and the ongoing fight for freedom.

Coaching questions: What are you tempted to give up on? How does this 75-year-old story help you renew your drive to move forward and never give up? Where will you land?

Challenging You to Keep a Journal

June 5, 2019June 5, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Keeping a personal journal, a daily in-depth analysis and evaluation of your experiences, is a high-leverage activity that increases self-awareness and enhances all the endowments and the synergy among them. Stephen R.Covey, author

Have you ever wondered why people like Charles Darwin, Winston Churchill, and Sara Blakely spent so much of their precious time writing things never to be seen by another soul? Because they knew the power of daily journaling.

Here are just a few advantages of journaling:

Writing what you’re feeling helps you clear your emotions, detach from the past, and vent any pent-up anger. You do this by transferring your emotions to paper which helps you get them off the hamster wheel of your brain.
Journaling helps you achieve your goals. Writing down long term goals is an important step to achieving success. Writing about what you want to do and/or have achieved each day to move you toward reaching your specific goals is what makes this happen.
Keeps you in an attitude of gratitude. One of my favorite type of journals is a Gratitude Journal. Write what you are grateful for everyday. Keeping gratitude as a central part of your life keeps you forward thinking and positive. A similar journal is a Prayer Journal.
Records your life history. My former husband wrote in his journal every day for most of his adult life. When he died suddenly at the age of fifty-three, his journals were the history of his days on a Naval aircraft carrier, the weather, and what had happened in his life day to day life.

Affirmation: Journaling can make a difference in my life.

Coaching question and request: How might journaling make a difference in your life? I challenge you to keep a hand-written journal for one week.

PS I’m starting my new journal (see below) today. I’m with you all the way!

I Am A Seed!

June 3, 2019June 3, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

They tried to bury us but they didn’t know we were seeds. Mexican proverb

As a woman entrepreneur in the ’80’s, a single mom, a motherless daughter raised by a dad, a sudden widow, a board chair leading mostly men, there were times in my life that I felt the pressure of “being buried.” However, little did society, neighbors, corporate men know—I was a seed. In spite of the difficult circumstances or environment, I grew, I blossomed, I thrived.

A young, Mexican American, disabled woman recently quoted this proverb when speaking to her fellow graduates at a college commencement. To a much greater extent than I, she certainly must have felt buried many times. But, on that commencement day, she was a seed who had blossomed into a beautiful flower.

Affirmation: I am a seed.

Coaching questions: What’s causing you to feel buried? What will help you bloom?

Have a Funeral In Your Heart

May 31, 2019May 31, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

The few trees still upright were stripped of their branches, lonely flagpoles without a nation to claim them. Mike Mullin, author

More than three hundred twisters have wrecked havoc across the midwestern US states over the last two weeks alone. This is in addition to the unprecedented flooding across several states. People are in mourning for their possessions, their way of life, and the idea of life being the way they wanted it to be.

In Asian philosophy, this mourning of the loss of how we thought life would be is called Ego Death. I profoundly experienced this when I was divorced over twenty-five years ago. I mourned the loss of a nuclear family and how I thought my life would be. Those who have lost their homes, possessions, livelihood, or their way of life must be willing to have a funeral in their heart. Grieving the loss of our expectations, as well as possessions or even loved ones, is an important step towards recovery. There is no way around grief. To move forward, the path is straight ahead.

Affirmation: I accept the importance of grieving no matter what the loss.

Coaching question and request: What have you lost that you have yet to grieve? This could be something less profound than a parent, child, or spouse. Perhaps it is your innocence about the world. The loss of a friend, your most prized possession, or your way of life. Take a moment to think about your unfinished business around grief. Then do the work of having a funeral in your heart.

Photo by Nikolas Noonan on Unsplash

Looking Through the Eyes of a Martian

May 29, 2019May 29, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

People from a planet without flowers would think we must be mad with joy the whole time to have such things about us. Iris Murdock, author

Here in the United States, it’s nearly summer and flowers are starting to bloom. Those first buds are the best, especially if the winter and spring were long and difficult. With so much flooding and tornados around the country, a sunny summer day filled with flowers will be a welcome relief.

I love imagining, as Murdock did, what flowers would look like from the viewpoint of a Martian. My guess is, they would be wondrous beyond words. Take a moment today to look outside and see your world with Martian eyes. See all that is blooming and have a sense of wonder beyond words.

Affirmation: I see my world with new eyes.

Coaching questions: What are you taking for granted in your life? What wonders of nature do you appreciate the most? What helps you stay in wonder mode?

When Is Enough Enough?

May 27, 2019May 27, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. Mark Twain

In the United States, today is Memorial Day, a day to remember those who served in the military. As much as I love honoring veterans and active service members, Memorial Day is, more specifically, about honoring those who lost their lives in service to our country.

The greatest loss of life for the U.S. was in our own Civil War where brother fought brother killing 623,026 when our population was only thirty-one million.

In total, 1,316,771 American lives have been lost to war. In addition, I shutter to think of the millions of men, women, and children who have been killed in wars worldwide. What can we do to stop the killing, maiming, and emotional trauma?

Affirmation: I will seek peace.

Coaching questions: Thinking of the loss others have experienced is helpful in dealing with our own losses. Who are you thinking of today? What was their contribution to our freedom? What’s one thing you can do to promote peace in the world?

Below is a photo of my dad. Although he served in both WWII and Korea, he was one of the lucky ones who returned home to live another fifty-six robust years working in a Veterans’ Hospital.