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Will Your Life Be Filled With Lemons or Will You Make Lemonade?

by Mershon Niesner

You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to YOU. Josh Shipp, youth motivational speaker

Of course, the natural and appropriate response to loss is sadness and grief. However, it’s been my experience that when the focus remains on the one you lost, there is less despair and depression than when the focus remains on yourself. When we get stuck in saying or thinking, “Why me? It’s not fair. How can I possibly cope?” we stymie our ability to move forward. So much depends on how we respond to our experience. 

The motherless daughters I interviewed who moved forward with their lives, frequently talked about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short, rather than all they lost because of her death. Both conversations are appropriate but focusing on the former seemed to lead to more joy. 

Affirmation: I choose to get better.

Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?

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Gratefully Celebrating Mother’s Day

by Mershon Niesner

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie, author

Mother’s Day can be difficult for many women, not just those of us who have lost our mothers. It can be difficult for women who are estranged from their mothers, have no children but wish they did, those who have lost a child, or those who are away from their family.

For me, gratitude always helps me cope. I’m grateful for the friendly smile, bright eyes, and sunny personality I got from my mom, I’m grateful for my three wonderful children, three step kids, eight grands, eleven step grands, and five (almost seven) step greats. What a bountiful life I have! And even though it’s a day for mothers, I am especially grateful for my dad who partnered with me to create a joyful childhood and beyond.

There will be a bit of sadness in my celebration tomorrow but mostly there will be gratitude.

Affirmation: I’m grateful.

Coaching questions: What helps you feel grateful on a difficult day? What difference can you make in someone else’s day today?

IMG_1479 (2).jpgMe and my mom, circa 1953

Blogged From the Beach

by Mershon Niesner

Keep close to Nature’s heart…and break clear away once in a while. Climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean. John Muir, naturalist and author

I finally took myself to the beach today. I live about two miles from Crescent Beach, one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I hate to admit it, but I rarely get there these days (writing a book will do that to you). 

On those rare occasions when I do step foot on the sand, my inner voice says, Get going, you’re walking too slow or You can do another mile. Today, I said to myself, Look at the blues of the ocean and Go ahead, pick up that beautiful shell and Wow, look how that pelican just swallowed his catch! It was low tide and I was literally walking on a carpet of shells. What natural beauty! Today I was at the beach to “wash my spirit clean” as Muir suggests. 

Affirmation: Nature is a gift we are meant to open.

Coaching questions: How long has it been since you’ve really enjoyed nature? How does nature speak to you? What will you do this week to allow nature to wash your spirit clean?

 

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Photo taken at Resident’s Beach, Marco Island, FL

Buenos Dias – Let’s Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

by Mershon Niesner

I’m not a survivor. Survivor comes from saying you barely made it and you’re a victim. I am triumphant. I’m not a survivor. Carlos Santana, musician

Originally, Cinco de Mayo was an annual celebration to commemorate the Mexican Army’s victory over the French Empire on May 5, 1862. Unfortunately, the victory was short lived. Today Cinco de Mayo is more popularly celebrated in the United States than Mexico. The date has become associated with the celebration of Mexican-American culture. 

Celebrations began in California, where they have been observed annually since 1863. The day gained nationwide popularity in the 1980s thanks especially to advertising campaigns by beer and wine companies. Today, Cinco de Mayo generates beer sales on par with the Super Bowl. I’ll have an tamale and a Corona, please.

Affirmation: I’m enriched by the diversity of cultures.

Coaching question: What’s your favorite Mexican food? How has your life been enriched by the inclusion of a variety of cultures?

 

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Photo by Taiana Martinez (Tai’s Captures) on Unsplash

Are You Missing the Rocks?

by Mershon Niesner

QUIT = Quickly Uphold Important Things. Richie Norton, Author

Keeping our values, or what’s most important to us, in the forefront of our life can be a challenge. We all hear ourselves or our friends say, “I don’t have time to exercise,” or “Eating out is much easier, I don’t have time to cook,” or “I’m so busy I barely see my friends anymore.” And yet, if asked, these same people would say that health and friends are two of the most important aspects of their life.

Think of your life as a large jar. Place the stones of your life in first – those things that are most important like health, family, friends, personal well-being, faith. Next, add the sand – less important but constant activities like involvement in an organization that’s meaningful to you. Finally, fill your jar with water. The water represents inconsequential but often time-consuming activities like watching television, playing computer games or surfing. If the jar is first filled with sand and water, there will be no room for the rocks. Keep a jar on your counter or desk as a reminder to first fill your life with what’s most important.

Affirmation: I will fill my life with what’s most important to me.

Coaching questions: What fills your imaginary jar? If it’s missing the rocks of your life, what will you do to make a course correction? What’s one step you will take today to move you towards emptying your jar of all the water and sand and add the big rocks?

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Feeling Anxious? Check the Facts

by Mershon Niesner

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche, American author

In my experience, most daughters who have experienced early mother loss are significantly impacted by the anniversary date of their mother’s death. Many have anxiety and are fearful that they might die early like their mother. Others, feel guilty that they are surpassing how long she lived.

One thing daughters may find helpful to ease their feelings of anxiety around the anniversary date is knowing that scientific research suggests that the parents’ longevity doesn’t correlate directly with the longevity of their children. James Vaupel of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany, writes, Only three percent of how long you’ll live, compared with the average, is explained by your parents’ longevity. By contrast, up to ninety percent of how tall you are is explained by your parents’ height. Even genetically identical twins vary widely in life span: the typical gap is more than fifteen years. 

Affirmation: I accept the facts that help me face my fear and anxiety.   

Coaching questions: What causes you to feel anxious? How do you keep this trickle of fear from creating a channel in your mind? If you’re coming up to the age your mother was when she died, how will you deal with your anxiety and celebrate your future? 

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Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

Mourning an Old Friend

by Mershon Niesner

True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for a while. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they’re never dead in your heart. Unknown

Last week a dear friend of mine died. She was young, in her early 70’s (I consider anyone who is younger than me young). She had been ill for a long time so perhaps she was ready to “move on.” As friends, we shared experiences of guilt and redemption, laughter and tears. We had a honest, down-to-earth relationship. When we regularly met for lunch during our working-girl years, we always ordered the same thing. We didn’t want to waste our talk-time on looking at the menu. 

As I grieve her death, I’m reminding myself what I’ve written in my book and counseled others. I’m making an effort to focus on Ginger rather than myself. I’m remembering what she meant to me and others who loved her. I’m celebrating her freedom from pain and illness. I’m sad but grateful. Loved you, Ginger!

Affirmation: I celebrate life and friendship.

Coaching questions: How do you grieve the loss of a friend? What helps you honor your sadness while embracing gratitude? 

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Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

How to Curtail the Complaining

by Mershon Niesner

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness. Echart Tolle, author

I’ll admit it. Sometimes, I’m a “complainer” which is probably why I object to hearing the complaints of others. I’m reminded of the pointing hand – one figure pointing forward, four fingers pointing inward. 

When complaining seems to be the agenda, I need to have this list handy:

  1. Honor the person who is speaking by listening carefully. This will ground the relationship so changing direction will seem more positive. 
  2. Redirect the conversation by saying something like, “I know I’m changing the subject but I’m wondering how you’re doing with _____.” Stay focused on your friend as you move away from the negative energy.
  3. Have the goal of engaging in a honest conversation about negativity and complaining. Envision you both rolling your eyes and saying, “Here we go again with the negativity. Let’s get back to having a positive conversation.” 

Affirmation: I will stay positive and talk about how to move forward.

Coaching questions: What’s a complaint you commonly make? How is complaining working out for you? If you have chronic complainers in your life, how might you redirect their negative energy so it doesn’t infect you?

 

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Experiencing the Heart of Culture

by Mershon Niesner

Music, food, art, science, storytelling all help us to understand ourselves, each other, and our environment, through head and heart. This is culture. Yo-Yo Ma, cellist 

Renowned cellist Yo-Yo Ma recently played outdoor concerts in Laredo, Texas and Nuevo Laredo, Mexico. His intention was to highlight the connection between the two countries, regardless of current border politics. Ma believes that culture turns “the other” into us. It does this through trust, imagination, and empathy. 

Ma says he used believe that culture needs a seat at the table, an equal part in our economic and political conversation. Ma has changed his mind. “I now believe that culture is the ground on which everything else is built. It is where the global and local, rural and urban, present and future confront one another.” He’s putting his belief into action. His recent performances were part of an ongoing project. He’s playing Johann Sebastian Bach’s six Cello Suites in thirty-six countries around the world in an effort to unite us all. 

Affirmation: I will use culture to embrace those who I perceive to be different.

Coaching questions: How can you use music, food, art, science or storytelling to understand yourself and others? What has been your experience of culture? If you see it as “high brow” or something foreign to you, are you willing to rethink this position and see it through the eyes of Yo-Yo Ma?

 

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Photo by Adi Goldstein on Unsplash

Quoting Gandhi on Easter

by Mershon Niesner

A man who was completely innocent, offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others, including his enemies, and became the ransom of the world. It was a perfect act. Mahatma Gandhi, Indian activist

You might think it strange that, as a practicing Christian, I’d quote Gandhi, a Hindu, on Easter Sunday. Gandhi, the father of Indian independence, had a goal of religious pluralism. His vision was for people with different religious beliefs to co-exist with mutual understanding. In his quote above, he is championing Jesus and describing his crucifixion as a “perfect act.” What Christian could say it better? 

Today is the pinnacle of the year for Christians. The day this man who “offered himself as a sacrifice for the good of others” rose from the dead after being crucified. For Christians, Jesus’ resurrection is personal. I hope that for all Easter is a symbol of hope, renewal and new life. 

Affirmation: Hallelujah! Christ is risen.

Coaching questions: If you’re a Christian, what does Easter mean to you? How has Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection changed your life? If you’re not a Christian, how might you embrace the Easter message of renewal in your life? To whom do you turn in times of grief, pain, or great joy?

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