Life after losing a mother

Symbols Matter

May 19, 2019May 19, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Symbols are the imaginative signposts of life. Margot Asquith, author

Pink carnations have always been special to me because they were the flowers on my mother’s casket and one of the few memories I have from the months following her death. I think they were randomly chosen but perhaps my dad chose them for their meaning. I’ll never know.

In the Dictionary of Flowers at the end of the book, The Language of Flowers, pink carnations (Dianthus Caryophyllus) mean I will never forget you. According to Mr. Google, it’s believed that pink carnations first appeared on earth from the Virgin Mary’s tears, making them the symbol of a mother’s undying love. It’s no wonder they have always held a special place in my heart.

Affirmation: I honor the symbols in my life.

Coaching questions: What symbols do you hold dear? What do they mean to you and why? How do they help you keep your memories alive?

Help For Those With Mental Illness

May 16, 2019May 16, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

A diagnosis has been enough without being burdened by secrecy and shame. Jane Pauley, television journalist who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. Although we have made progress in our understanding, treatment, and acceptance of mental illness, we still have a long way to go. When any other organ is diseased or distressed, there is sympathy, understanding, and readily available treatment.

When the brain is diseased or distressed we frequently say, “Really?” Or “Just get over it already.” Or “You seem fine to me.” Sometimes, we think less of a person because they think or act in a way that is unclear to us. We need to champion those professionals and organizations that serve the misunderstood, unrecognized, and under-treated.

Affirmation: I acknowledge and champion those with mental disabilities and disease.

Coaching questions: I can almost guarantee you know someone with a mental illness. How can you help them come out from under the mantel of secrecy and shame? If you’re deeply depressed, suspect you’re bipolar, or have other possible mental health challenges, I urge you to seek professional help just as you would if it was another type of illness.

Photo by Kyle Broad on Unsplash

Will Your Life Be Filled With Lemons or Will You Make Lemonade?

May 14, 2019May 14, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

You either get bitter or you get better. It’s that simple. You either take what has been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate. It belongs to YOU. Josh Shipp, youth motivational speaker

Of course, the natural and appropriate response to loss is sadness and grief. However, it’s been my experience that when the focus remains on the one you lost, there is less despair and depression than when the focus remains on yourself. When we get stuck in saying or thinking, “Why me? It’s not fair. How can I possibly cope?” we stymie our ability to move forward. So much depends on how we respond to our experience.

The motherless daughters I interviewed who moved forward with their lives, frequently talked about all their mothers gave them, even if their time with them was short, rather than all they lost because of her death. Both conversations are appropriate but focusing on the former seemed to lead to more joy.

Affirmation: I choose to get better.

Coaching questions: What is your response to loss? Is it working for you? What will help you focus more on the lost loved one and less on yourself?

Gratefully Celebrating Mother’s Day

May 11, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. Melody Beattie, author

Mother’s Day can be difficult for many women, not just those of us who have lost our mothers. It can be difficult for women who are estranged from their mothers, have no children but wish they did, those who have lost a child, or those who are away from their family.

For me, gratitude always helps me cope. I’m grateful for the friendly smile, bright eyes, and sunny personality I got from my mom, I’m grateful for my three wonderful children, three step kids, eight grands, eleven step grands, and five (almost seven) step greats. What a bountiful life I have! And even though it’s a day for mothers, I am especially grateful for my dad who partnered with me to create a joyful childhood and beyond.

There will be a bit of sadness in my celebration tomorrow but mostly there will be gratitude.

Affirmation: I’m grateful.

Coaching questions: What helps you feel grateful on a difficult day? What difference can you make in someone else’s day today?

IMG_1479 (2).jpg Me and my mom, circa 1953

Blogged From the Beach

May 8, 2019May 8, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Keep close to Nature’s heart…and break clear away once in a while. Climb a mountain or spend a week in the woods. Wash your spirit clean. John Muir, naturalist and author

I finally took myself to the beach today. I live about two miles from Crescent Beach, one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. I hate to admit it, but I rarely get there these days (writing a book will do that to you).

On those rare occasions when I do step foot on the sand, my inner voice says, Get going, you’re walking too slow or You can do another mile. Today, I said to myself, Look at the blues of the ocean and Go ahead, pick up that beautiful shell and Wow, look how that pelican just swallowed his catch! It was low tide and I was literally walking on a carpet of shells. What natural beauty! Today I was at the beach to “wash my spirit clean” as Muir suggests.

Affirmation: Nature is a gift we are meant to open.

Coaching questions: How long has it been since you’ve really enjoyed nature? How does nature speak to you? What will you do this week to allow nature to wash your spirit clean?

Photo taken at Resident’s Beach, Marco Island, FL

Buenos Dias – Let’s Celebrate Cinco de Mayo

May 5, 2019May 5, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

I’m not a survivor. Survivor comes from saying you barely made it and you’re a victim. I am triumphant. I’m not a survivor. Carlos Santana, musician

Originally, Cinco de Mayo was an annual celebration to commemorate the Mexican Army’s victory over the French Empire on May 5, 1862. Unfortunately, the victory was short lived. Today Cinco de Mayo is more popularly celebrated in the United States than Mexico. The date has become associated with the celebration of Mexican-American culture.

Celebrations began in California, where they have been observed annually since 1863. The day gained nationwide popularity in the 1980s thanks especially to advertising campaigns by beer and wine companies. Today, Cinco de Mayo generates beer sales on par with the Super Bowl. I’ll have an tamale and a Corona, please.

Affirmation: I’m enriched by the diversity of cultures.

Coaching question: What’s your favorite Mexican food? How has your life been enriched by the inclusion of a variety of cultures?

Photo by Taiana Martinez (Tai’s Captures) on Unsplash

Are You Missing the Rocks?

May 4, 2019May 4, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

QUIT = Quickly Uphold Important Things. Richie Norton, Author

Keeping our values, or what’s most important to us, in the forefront of our life can be a challenge. We all hear ourselves or our friends say, “I don’t have time to exercise,” or “Eating out is much easier, I don’t have time to cook,” or “I’m so busy I barely see my friends anymore.” And yet, if asked, these same people would say that health and friends are two of the most important aspects of their life.

Think of your life as a large jar. Place the stones of your life in first – those things that are most important like health, family, friends, personal well-being, faith. Next, add the sand – less important but constant activities like involvement in an organization that’s meaningful to you. Finally, fill your jar with water. The water represents inconsequential but often time-consuming activities like watching television, playing computer games or surfing. If the jar is first filled with sand and water, there will be no room for the rocks. Keep a jar on your counter or desk as a reminder to first fill your life with what’s most important.

Affirmation: I will fill my life with what’s most important to me.

Coaching questions: What fills your imaginary jar? If it’s missing the rocks of your life, what will you do to make a course correction? What’s one step you will take today to move you towards emptying your jar of all the water and sand and add the big rocks?

Feeling Anxious? Check the Facts

May 1, 2019April 30, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. Arthur Somers Roche, American author

In my experience, most daughters who have experienced early mother loss are significantly impacted by the anniversary date of their mother’s death. Many have anxiety and are fearful that they might die early like their mother. Others, feel guilty that they are surpassing how long she lived.

One thing daughters may find helpful to ease their feelings of anxiety around the anniversary date is knowing that scientific research suggests that the parents’ longevity doesn’t correlate directly with the longevity of their children. James Vaupel of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rostock, Germany, writes, Only three percent of how long you’ll live, compared with the average, is explained by your parents’ longevity. By contrast, up to ninety percent of how tall you are is explained by your parents’ height. Even genetically identical twins vary widely in life span: the typical gap is more than fifteen years.

Affirmation: I accept the facts that help me face my fear and anxiety.

Coaching questions: What causes you to feel anxious? How do you keep this trickle of fear from creating a channel in your mind? If you’re coming up to the age your mother was when she died, how will you deal with your anxiety and celebrate your future?

marina-vitale-205339-unsplash (1).jpg

Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

Mourning an Old Friend

April 29, 2019April 25, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

True friends are the ones who never leave your heart, even if they leave your life for a while. Even after years apart, you pick up with them right where you left off, and even if they die they’re never dead in your heart. Unknown

Last week a dear friend of mine died. She was young, in her early 70’s (I consider anyone who is younger than me young). She had been ill for a long time so perhaps she was ready to “move on.” As friends, we shared experiences of guilt and redemption, laughter and tears. We had a honest, down-to-earth relationship. When we regularly met for lunch during our working-girl years, we always ordered the same thing. We didn’t want to waste our talk-time on looking at the menu.

As I grieve her death, I’m reminding myself what I’ve written in my book and counseled others. I’m making an effort to focus on Ginger rather than myself. I’m remembering what she meant to me and others who loved her. I’m celebrating her freedom from pain and illness. I’m sad but grateful. Loved you, Ginger!

Affirmation: I celebrate life and friendship.

Coaching questions: How do you grieve the loss of a friend? What helps you honor your sadness while embracing gratitude?

Photo by Joseph Pearson on Unsplash

How to Curtail the Complaining

April 25, 2019April 25, 2019 by Mershon Niesner

When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation, change the situation, or accept it. All else is madness. Echart Tolle, author

I’ll admit it. Sometimes, I’m a “complainer” which is probably why I object to hearing the complaints of others. I’m reminded of the pointing hand – one figure pointing forward, four fingers pointing inward.

When complaining seems to be the agenda, I need to have this list handy:

Honor the person who is speaking by listening carefully. This will ground the relationship so changing direction will seem more positive.
Redirect the conversation by saying something like, “I know I’m changing the subject but I’m wondering how you’re doing with _____.” Stay focused on your friend as you move away from the negative energy.
Have the goal of engaging in a honest conversation about negativity and complaining. Envision you both rolling your eyes and saying, “Here we go again with the negativity. Let’s get back to having a positive conversation.”

Affirmation: I will stay positive and talk about how to move forward.

Coaching questions: What’s a complaint you commonly make? How is complaining working out for you? If you have chronic complainers in your life, how might you redirect their negative energy so it doesn’t infect you?