Life after losing a mother

Use Your Power in 2019

December 31, 2018December 31, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Don’t underestimate your power. Hate is potent, but so is kindness. And goodness, and grace. Use yours generously. Oprah

2018 has been a tumultuous year in the United States and elsewhere in the world. Mass shootings, political unrest, war, lies, hatred, climatic disasters, children separated from parents, discrimination, sexual abuse and assault. It’s easy to feel powerless in the wake of psychological and physical chaos.

But, as Oprah says, “what I know for sure,” is how you treat every person in your sphere can and will make a difference. Don’t underestimate the power of goodness, kindness, and empathy. Don’t underestimate the power of your modeling—to children and others. Do what you can to make 2019 a gentler, kinder year.

Affirmation: I have power.

Coaching question: What one behavior will you change in 2019 to make a difference in our troubled world?

Are You Good Enough?

December 30, 2018December 30, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

I assessed my goals, analyzed my outcomes, counted my wins. One proving ground only opened onto the next. Such is the life of a girl who can’t stop wondering, “Am I good enough?” From Becoming by Michelle Obama

Whenever I read an autobiographical memoir like Becoming, I’m encouraged to learn that the human condition of self-doubt is experienced by all. Am I good enough? was a common question Michelle Obama asked herself throughout her childhood and well into her professional life as a successful attorney.

The world frequently looks at an accomplished woman and thinks she has always been confident and had an easy path. This is rarely the truth. Check out My Beloved World by Sonia Sotomayor and many others. Determination, hard work, and pushing through disbelief on the part of others and yourself is what pays off. Hang in there.

Affirmation: I am good enough.

Coaching questions: How will/did you overcome the Am I good enough question? To whom do you turn for encouragement when self doubt creeps in? What is one thing you can do to move towards I AM good enough?

Understanding Debbie Downer

December 29, 2018December 29, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. Eckhart Tolle

Do you know a Debbie Downer? Have you ever wondered why a person is predisposed to negative thinking? Our psychological predisposition comes from many sources of course, not the least of which is our upbringing. However, I found the following quote by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. and founder of the Wellspring Institute for Neuroscience and Contemplative Wisdom, to be very enlightening.

Dr. Hanson says, “Negative stimuli produce more neural activity than do equally intense positive ones. From an evolutionary standpoint, our ancestors’ predisposition to Debbie Downer-ism makes sense. Ancient humans lacked reliable sources of food, water and shelter, and, as a result, made life-or-death decisions more frequently than we do today. To keep our ancestors alive, Mother Nature evolved a brain that routinely tricked them into making three mistakes: overestimating threats, underestimating opportunities, and underestimating resources. This is a great way to pass on gene copies but a lousy way to promote quality of life.”

I’m sad to say that I have limited loving memories of my mother but I do have a few negative ones. Dr. Hanson’s findings help me to understand this fact of my life experience. Perhaps his wisdom will help you also.

Affirmation: I embrace my memories.

Coaching questions: What negative memories are you wanting to understand or set aside? What will help you get out of the Cave-Woman mentality and move forward?

Get Off The Roller Coaster

December 28, 2018December 28, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Success isn’t magic; it’s generally the product of picking a good system and following it until luck finds you. Scott Adams, author of How To Fail At Almost Everything and Still Win Big

Tis the season of resolutions and goal setting. I’m a Life Coach and I’m supposed to be all about goals, right? For 2019, I’m changing my tune and suggesting success (whether business or personal) is about systems, exercised with such consistency they turn into habits.

Want to lose weight? Rather than setting a weight loss goal, create a system of eating and exercise. “I will exercise thirty minutes, four days a week and lower my carb intake to two a day.” Want to attract more clients? “I will make three cold calls a day.” Want to have more peace in your life? “I will sit quietly ten minutes a day.” You get the picture. Wondering how systems are different from goals? They sound suspiciously similar. Goals can be attained, which is a good thing (I’m not suggesting you eliminate goals), but then what? We lose those ten pounds, goal accomplished, and we resume our old habits. Once a system becomes a habit, there is no end. The behavior continues, you stay healthy and successful and you get off the roller coaster of annual goal-setting/achievement/failure.

Affirmation: I create systems designed for success.

Coaching questions: What systems do you need to put in place? What’s standing in your way of doing this? How will your life be different if you create positive systems for success?

What’s Your Bitter-Sweet Story?

December 27, 2018December 27, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending. Fred Rogers

I know New Year is on the horizon but if feels like the joy, beauty, busy-ness, stress, over-eating of the holidays is mostly over. Tomorrow we’re heading home to Florida to re-enter our normal life. I’ve loved the familiar story of the holiday season as we now know it. I’ve adjusted to not seeing my biological family on Christmas Day and enjoy spending that time with my step-kids, grands, and great-grands. I’m still not quite accepting of not being able to host Christmas as I did for most of my life but I appreciate the adult children who have graciously stepped up to the task.

Endings are bitter sweet. Saying good-bye to those I love who I only see once or twice a year, leaving behind that sweet great-grand baby in the photo who we will barely recognize the next time we see her is difficult. But, I’m looking forward to returning to our beautiful home, warm weather, sunshine, dear friends, and a myriad of activities I love.

Affirmation: I embrace the bitter sweetness of endings.

Coaching questions: What is the story of your holiday season? Are you ready for the familiar ending? What are you excited about in 2019?

Are You Lonely?

December 26, 2018December 26, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together. Old African proverb

John Cacioppo, American neuroscientist and author of Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, argues that loneliness developed for important evolutionary reasons: to remind us that as social beings we must seek the company of others. Societies and individuals who drift into disconnection are fostering problems for the future. Twice as unhealthy as obesity, loneliness poses a significant health risk. Men are particularly vulnerable with nearly half of all men over 50 suffering from severe loneliness. This figure is expected to rise by 50% in the next fifteen years.

For me, being motherless at a young age and living in a family of two, satisfying as it was, motivated me to broaden my relationships. It also taught me how to enjoy my own company—to be alone without being lonely. Though I’ve been motherless, divorced and widowed, I’ve rarely felt lonely. Like hobbies and physical activity, fostering the skill of making friends is developed when we need it the least. Friendship/relationships require attention. Similar to keeping your muscles strong, without effort and attention, relationship atrophy can easily set it and along with it loneliness.

Affirmation: I am not alone.

Coaching questions: What are you doing now to keep loneliness at bay in the future? If you are lonely, what’s one step you will take today to feel less so—call an old friend, attend a social event, reach out to a neighbor, volunteer with others?

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Peace To The World

December 25, 2018December 25, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace. Agnes M. Pharo, author

On this Christmas morning, I truly hope that someday every path will lead to peace. For Christians the world over, today has significance beyond the gifts and glitter. Jesus’ birth and life are about love—God’s love for His creation.

Although it is a sad, even heart-breaking, day for many, I hope, Dear Readers, you will find a slice of love and joy in your life today. Please know that if you’re grieving, sad, or lonely— I’m thinking of you and I’m wishing you a Very Blessed Christmas!

Affirmation: Someone cares about me.

Coaching questions: What will you do to acknowledge your sadness while celebrating joy in the world? This is one day out of 365. What will tomorrow be like?

From my house to yours, Merry Christmas!

Hark, a Welkin Rings!

December 24, 2018December 24, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace…” Luke 2:14

Hark! The herald angels sing, (the next three lines are quoted from the Bible)

“Glory to the new-born King;

Peace on earth and mercy mild,

God and sinners reconciled!”

Using Luke 2 as a reference point, this traditional hymn was written in 1739. Theologian, Charles Wesley originally wrote it as “Hark how all the welkin rings!” Welkin is an archaic English term referring to the sky or the firmament of the heavens. George Whitefield, a preacher and Wesley’s friend, thankfully made the appropriate changes. Wesley scholar, Dr. Ted Campbell wrote, “I have wondered if anybody but Charles knew what a welkin was supposed to be.”

As I sing this precious carol tonight, I want to consider the words and their meaning. I want to proclaim what the angels said and hold fast to the hope for peace on earth, mercy for all, and reconciliation between myself, a sinner, and my God.

Affirmation: Peace on earth!

Coaching question: What is your favorite carol? What does it mean to you?

Shining a Light On Suicide

December 23, 2018December 23, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death for all Americans. More than 45,000 people took their own lives in 2016 in the U.S.—more than twice the number of homicides. Among people ages 15 to 34, suicide is the second-leading cause of death. Center Disease Control

Suicide remains a taboo subject. Just as cancer rose out of secrecy to public focus, so must suicide. To be clear, the suicide rate does not increase during the holidays as often reported but it is a time when families gather and discussions can happen.

If you have a friend or relative who is in deep distress, make a personal connection with them. Don’t be afraid to ask if they are thinking about suicide. Ask them to talk about what they are going through and what brought them to considering suicide. Paraphrase their answers back to them so they know you’re listening. You can’t fix another person but you can help them get through the moment.

Affirmation: I can help another.

Coaching question/request: How would you speak with a person who you suspect is in deep distress or contemplating suicide? If you are thinking of suicide, call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255 now.

The Wow of Now

December 22, 2018December 22, 2018 by Mershon Niesner

The naked now, the one without frills, the one that was always here, just wasn’t as interesting as what could be, what should be, and what I wanted to be. Geneen Roth, author of This Messy Magnificent Life

Like many of us, Geneen admits that for several years she lived a life of “if only.” Perhaps you too have thought, “If only I was thin, if only I could find love, if only I had a better job, a bigger house—if only I had a mom.” We become entranced with the belief that happiness is in the future or in changing the past.

Eventually, Geneen learned to not only want, but really love, the now more than the possibilities of the future. She writes, “The pull of drama (the what ifs) still compels me, but the love of showing up where I am is bigger.” This morning, my children, grandchildren, husband, and I celebrated Jesus’ birth with gifts, laughter, love, birthday cake, ice cream, hats, and poppers. Believe me, I was fully in the naked now!

Affirmation: I choose to live in the now.

Coaching questions: What will motivate you to take a foot out of the past or future and move into the now? What difference will it make in your quality of life?