Blog

Healing Isn’t Forgetting

by Mershon Niesner

Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives. Author unknown.

Two of the most difficult mother loss stories I heard as I interviewed daughters for my book were the stories from daughters whose mothers were murdered by their husbands, the daughters’ step-fathers. When domestic abuse culminates in murder, there is much opportunity for anger, hate, blame, and depression. 

Both of these daughters, one who lost her mother several years ago, the other, very recently, are both moving towards the goal of not allowing the damage of their horrific experience control their lives. They have both sought therapy, asked for support from friends and family, and have been gentle with themselves through their process of grief and healing. One daughter wrote a book entitled, The Third Return, about her mother’s life. Writing the book helped her to move on after the trial of her mother’s killer which lasted over eight years. 

Affirmation: I can heal.

Coaching questions: What negative energy, if any, controls your life? What will help you to take back control?

Being Strong

by Mershon Niesner

Being strong is only partly physical; it’s also mental, emotional, spiritual, and social. Maggie Fazeli Zard, RKC, senior fitness editor for Experience Life magazine.

This summer I’m focusing my workout program on strength training. My goal is to be physically stronger. However, I totally agree with Zard. Being strong is only partially about increasing how many pounds I can lift.

Even if I’m strong in aspects beyond physical doesn’t mean I’m bulletproof or failure resistant. It just means I move forward in all aspects of my life knowing I’m strong enough for the attempt. There is no “try” in my vocabulary….Tom, my strength coach, doesn’t let me use the word. I either will or I won’t. I know I’m strong enough to accept failure, adversity, or defeat as well as victory.

Affirmation: I am strong.

Coaching question: In what area do you need to build your strength? What step will you take to do this? How will it make a difference in your well-being?

Balancing Purpose and Pleasure

by Mershon Niesner

To be truly happy, you need to feel both pleasure and purpose. You can be just as happy or sad as I am but with a different combination of pleasure and purpose. And you may require each to different degrees at different times. But you do need to feel both. I call this the pleasure-purpose principle–the PPP. Paul Dolan, author of Happiness by Design

Hedonism is the pursuit of happiness via sensory pleasure and comforts. Eudaemonism is the pursuit of happiness through efforts to live a virtuous life and become a better person. There’s evidence to show that living well means balancing these two aims.

If we choose one to the exclusion of the other, we can end up feeling like we’re missing out which can cause anxiety, depression and even chronic disease. One way to obtain balance is to notice when experiences provide a sense of both pleasure and purpose then create more of these moments in our lives.

Affirmation: I have both pleasure and purpose in my life.

Coaching questions: Can you name a time when you experienced both pleasure and purpose? What helps you keep both pleasure and purpose active in your life? What gives you pleasure? What gives you a sense of purpose?

Get Your Sleep!

by Mershon Niesner

A lot of people underestimate rest, especially sleeping and recovery time. Jason Day, Australian professional golfer.

Did you know that you have a brain-cleaning crew that works the night shift only? While you are sleeping, your brain’s glymnphatic system flushes cerebrospinal fluid through your gray matter to remove proteins that accumulate during the day.

If you deprive yourself of restorative sleep, waste begins to accumulate in the brain and causes a loss of neurological function. In the short term, this might mean poor memory or absent-mindedness. In the long term the trash buildup may be a contributing factor to dementia and Alzheimer’s. Sleep isn’t a luxury. 

Affirmation: I get good sleep.

Coaching questions: How much sleep do you get? How much do you need? What’s keeping you from getting the sleep you need for maximum health?

 

The Power of Education

by Mershon Niesner

Let us remember: One book, one pen, one child, and one teacher can change the world. Malala Yousafzai, Pakistani activist for female education and youngest Nobel Prize laureate.

A few years ago, we spent our winters in Costa Rica. During this time I tutored local school-aged children through a community program called Abriendo Mentes whose motto is “using the power of education to create brighter futures.”

Because their school is small, children in this village have limited classroom time and need additional help to learn English, create art, play games, learn about the environment, practice their writing, etc. These Tico children are eager learners, anxiously awaiting their turn to enter the classroom. It was gratifying to see what a difference education makes in the life of a child.

Affirmation: I can make a difference.

Coaching question: How can you make a difference, whether in the lives of children or in other ways?

IMG_1647Abriendo Mentes program and my two volunteer teacher friends

Be Inspired

by Mershon Niesner

Strong emotions such as passion and bliss are indictions that you’re connected to Spirit, or ‘inspired,’ if you will. When you’re inspired, you activate dormant forces, and the abundance you seek in any form comes streaming into your life. Wayne Dyer, American philosopher, self-help author, and motivational speaker.

The mug from which I drink my morning green tea has three words written on the inside rim, “Always Be Inspired.”

I’m inspired by people who demonstrate excellence and resolve…our garden store assistant who is a “plant encyclopedia” and willing to share, my best friend, Nanc, who doesn’t let being wheel-chair bound dampen her spirits or her fun, writers I met at the writer’s conference who were undaunted by the publishing statistics, caregivers for loved ones afflicted with Alzheimer’s, the daughters I have interviewed who, though their own loss was great, want to tell their stories to inspire others towards recovery.

Affirmation: I am inspired.

Coaching questions: What/who inspires you? What difference does this inspiration make in your life?

Acknowledging Unloved Daughters

by Mershon Niesner

The taboos about “dissing” our mothers, and the myths of motherhood which portray all mothers as loving, serve to isolate unloved daughters. Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life

Let’s face it…not all mothers are loving, nurturing, Hallmark card women. It’s difficult to be realistic about mothers, especially dead mothers, who weren’t exempleary. According to Streep, an unloved daughter who was frequently ignored, unheard, or criticized, grows up with an internalized maternal voice which continues to undermine her accomplishments and talents unless there is intervention.

Frequently daughters who grow up with this lack of confidence feel that they are “fooling people” and fear they will be “found out” even when they are successful.

Affirmation: I am truthful about my mother.

Coaching questions: If you grew up with a an external, and now internal, voice that was negative, what steps will you take to become a more confident woman? What difference will this make in your life? If you were an unloved daughter, write your mother a letter telling her how you feel.

 

On Becoming The Buffalo

by Mershon Niesner

Cows run away from the storm while the buffalo charges toward it—and gets through it quicker. Whenever I’m confronted with a tough challenge, I do not prolong the torment, I become the buffalo. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman elected to serve as chief of the Cherokee Nation.

“Do the hard thing first” is a common business productivity tip. “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is my personal mantra. Running toward the challenge, like the buffalo, rather than away from difficult choices, feelings, or confrontations, helps those who are willing to behave in this way, gain peace of mind sooner rather than later.

Life is short, take care of the difficult business of your life. Become the buffalo.

Affirmation: I can become the buffalo.

Coaching questions: What challenges in your life do you need to run towards right now? What first step will you take today? How will you feel after you’ve become the buffalo?

IMG_3413.jpgI took this photo a few years ago in Yellowstone National Park. Isn’t he beautiful?

Look For The Helpers

by Mershon Niesner

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ Mister Rogers

Mister Rogers’s mother knew that if her son recognized the helpers he would feel calmer about the tragedy, knowing that someone was there to take control and put order to the chaos. Who has helped you in times of tragedy or need? Perhaps it was a teacher or a pastor, a grandmother or a neighbor, a friend or sibling.

As I talk with daughters who have lost their mothers to death, abandonment or Alzheimer’s, the trajectory of their grief recovery is often changed by the helpers who show up. The support and love of older brothers or sisters, grandmothers, neighbors, friends in support groups, hospice workers, or dads, calm the chaos of the moment and become the helpers in their lives.

Affirmation: I’ve been blessed with having helpers in my life.

Coaching questions: Who have been the helpers in your life? How have they made a difference? How have you shown up as a helper in the life of another? What difference did you make?

IMG_2071.jpgEven the famous Julia Child needed helpers…lots of helpers!

Gratitude The Japanese Way

by Mershon Niesner

In Japan, you say Itadakimasu before each meal to show respect to every life that went into creating your dish and to give thanks for both the food and your ability to receive it. Quoted from Oprah Magazine

It’s been my tradition since I was a little girl to say grace before each meal so I was interested in this Eastern outlook. Saying grace, whether by using the word Itakakimasu or with a child singing their words, is a ritual that gives us an opportunity to pause and consider our abundance.

Gratitude is one of the primary tenets of a joy filled life. Being grateful, on purpose, at least three times a day is a good start.

Affirmation: I am grateful.

Coaching question: How do you voice your gratitude? Whatever your faith tradition, consider saying something out loud at your mealtime to show your gratitude.