Tag: grief

I Am Adaptive

by Mershon Niesner

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature’s inexorable imperative. H.G. Wells, English writer. 

Whatever your loss—mother, husband, child, leg, sight, home, health—you must learn to adapt in order to survive and thrive. Marilyn Zosia, cofounder and president of I Am Adaptive, asks that we reframe “disability” as “adaptation.” Zosia, who survived a traumatic brain injury, is empowering a global community of athletes to pursue their unique potential for mobility and fitness. 

I suggest that we reframe all loss, not just physical, to encompass the concept of “I am adapting.” Considering ourselves to be “adapting to life without our mother” rather than “I’m so broken, I may never stop grieving,” is affirming our power to adapt rather than giving our power away in exchange for a life of despair. Words matter.

Affirmation: I can adapt.

Coaching questions: In what areas of your life do you need to work on adaptation? Where have you demonstrated success in adapting to life changes in the past? 

The Rock

by Mershon Niesner

Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God. Corrie Ten Boom, Dutch watchmaker who helped Jews escape the Nazi Holocaust and was imprisoned.

In a time of grief or despair, trusting in God can give us hope and a positive sense of expectancy. 

When my late husband died suddenly from a heart attack ten months after we were married, I affirmed out loud to a couple of hundred people that God was my rock and I would be ok…and I was/am. I didn’t feel ok at the time but faith isn’t based on how we feel. We have choices….hope or despair. 

If you’ve lost or given up on your faith, I encourage you to take another look. Inner peace follows the choice of hope and faith.

Affirmation: I have faith in God.

Coaching questions: What/who is the rock in your life? If this is a time of despair and hopelessness for you, what’s one step you can take to regain a sense of inner peace? 

Share Your Stories

by Mershon Niesner

Sharing tales of those we’ve lost is how we keep from really losing them. Mitch Albom, American author

It is important for us all, no matter the loss we have experienced, to share the stories of the deceased. Telling the tales, reminiscing about the past, remember the details of a lost loved one is critically important to the welfare of the grieving daughter and other family members. When photos are put away and silence about the past is the rule, ultimately everyone suffers. Recalling a lost loved one may initially bring tears of grief but ultimately those memories will bring tears of joy and help in recovery. 

I would know next to nothing about my mother if my father hadn’t shared who she was and how important she was in our life. Her picture was prominently hung above his bed, a photo album of our brief eight years together was readily accessible to me. I thank my dad for his openness and willingness to help me know my mother and keep her present. 

Affirmation: I remember.

Coaching questions: What tales do you tell to keep your past loved ones present? If your family doesn’t speak about your loved one who has died, who might you speak with for information and to share your memories? 

IMG_1481.jpgThis photo of my mom hung over my dad’s bed.

Everyone Needs a Tugboat

by Mershon Niesner

Be someone’s security blanket when theirs is in the wash. Richelle E. Goodrich, author

On a recent cruise up the east coast from New Jersey to Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada, we saw several tugboats at work. Tugs push or pull vessels restricted in a narrow canal or crowded harbor. They also help ships that are unable to move by themselves such as barges or disabled ships.

We all need a virtual tugboat in our life when we are in a “narrow” place or “crowded” with negative thoughts and feelings. We especially need the tug of a strong arm to help us with we feel unable to move forward on our own or we’re disabled by grief or guilt.

Affirmation: I accept the help of tugboats in my life.

Coaching question: Who are the tugboats in your life? When have you been a tugboat in the life of another?

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The Paper Heart

by Mershon Niesner

The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not “get over” the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor should you want to. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, psychiatrist, pioneer in near-death studies and author of  On Death and Dying

I interviewed a 33-year-old woman today about her mother loss experience. She was 12 when her mother died. Articulate and introspective, the young woman was wise beyond her years. When I asked her about advice for other motherless daughters, she told me this story.

“When I was in second grade, my teacher used the illustration of a torn, red, paper heart to show us what it is like when we mistreat others. She then taped the heart back together and showed us how, even though the heart is whole again, the tear does not completely disappear. I think recovery from losing a mother at a young age is similar. You heal from your broken heart, but you are never quite the same, a part of the brokenness and sadness remains always.”

Affirmation: I can heal.

Coaching questions: How have you patched up your broken heart? How are you different because of your loss?

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Music and Memories – In Honor of Aretha Franklin

by Mershon Niesner

Music does a lot of things for a lot of people. It’s transporting, for sure. It can take you right back, years back, to the very moment certain things happened in your life. It’s up-lifting. It’s encouraging. It’s strengthening. Aretha Franklin, American singer and songwriter, the Queen of Soul.

If we’re ever caught off guard and suddenly brought back to grief, a certain song is frequently the culprit. I was too young when my mother died for certain songs to be a trigger. Although I remember that my parents loved the album, My Funny Valentine. 

I do have a grief trigger song for my former husband, Keith, who died ten months after we were married. Our wedding song, The Prayer, was released March, 1999, our wedding was in October. We played the version sung by Andre Bocelli and Celion Dion…. “Lead us to a place, guide us with your grace, to a place where we’ll be safe.” Nearly twenty years later, this song still elicits happy as well as sad memories. Music, like smell, is a powerful memory stimulant.

Affirmation: I treasure my music memories.

Coaching questions: Are there songs that elicit memories of your loved ones? How do you respond when you hear them? 

Don’t Try To Be A Superhero

by Mershon Niesner

The gradual losses experienced by caregivers can lead to sadness, depression, anger, guilt, sleeplessness and other physical and emotional problems. Family Caregiver Alliance Site

Caregivers are frequently referred to as heroes, even super-heroes. But they aren’t. Caregivers are not super-human or intended to be super-heroes. They are simply human beings doing their best to take care of someone they love whose brain is not working properly. Perhaps they may wish they had super powers or mystical abilities but to stay sane they must acknowledge that they can’t fix all the challenges that accompany a dementia diagnosis.

The Family Caregiver Alliance recommends that a caregiver identify her losses, her feelings about the losses and her corresponding grief. The Alliance also recommends keeping a journal or gratitude journal, attending support groups, and doing relaxation exercises. 

Affirmation: I take care of myself as I take care of another.

Coaching questions: Whether you are a caregiver or not, in what ways do you try to be a super-hero? How’s that working for you? If you are a caregiver, in what ways do you take care of yourself?

 

I Just Don’t Know What To Say

by Mershon Niesner

Who we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us. Helen Keller, American author, political activist, first deaf-blind person to earn a bachelor of arts degree

Helen Keller has the right idea when it comes to words of sympathy. Offering supporting words to friends who are in emotional pain due to the critical illness or death of a loved one can be fraught with peril. Saying things like, “she’s in a better place” or “everything happens for a reason” or “I know just how you feel,” can be hurtful to many. Telling your own Super Griever story is not helpful either. Sharing a memory of the loved one, showing concern for the caregiver/grieving person herself, or saying nothing at all but being present is good too.

Don’t let “not knowing what to say” keep you from being a comforting person in your friend’s life. Send a card or a text, show up with tacos, offer to take the dog for a walk or their kids to a movie. Don’t be afraid to say, “I just don’t know what to say.” Trust me, she’ll get your message.

Affirmation: I care about my friends.

Coaching questions: When you have experienced a loss, what was helpful and comforting to you? Give some thought right now about how you might respond to a grieving or completely overwhelmed friend. Your words and actions will be ready when you need them in the moment.

Mixed Message

by Mershon Niesner

I waffled between being unable to even say the words ‘my mom died’ to then wanting to talk about nothing else but my dead mom. Kate Spencer, author, The Dead Moms Club, a memoir

I’m in the middle of reading Kate Spencer’s book, The Dead Moms Club. In addition to a terrific (in my opinion) writer, Kate is also a professional comedian and the combo is dynamite….think Amy Schumer meets seriously grieving daughter.

Her quote above about talking about mom versus not talking about mom is very common….I hear it frequently as I interview daughters, especially if their mother recently died. As caring friends and family, it puts us in a difficult position. Is today the day for talking or not? I say error on the side of  “talking about.” Not the pat, “How are you doing?” but things like, “I remember that time when we ……” People want to know that others remember too. My long-time friend, Leanne, recently shared a story about my mom that happened 64 years ago. It was a one sentence memory. That single line is in my book and in my heart. Your memories count. Share them.

Affirmation: I cherish and share my memories.

Coaching questions: Talking or not talking? What works for you? When you’re able, let your friends and family in on what you’re feeling.

7 Tips For Surviving Loss

by Mershon Niesner

The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (July 8, 1926 – August 24, 2004),  Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death, grief studies and author 

  1. Have no secrets – tell the truth, talk about your experience, use real words, acknowledge reality
  2. Get outside of yourself – serve others, volunteer
  3. Use affirmations – affirm yourself and your progress, state what you want and how you want to be
  4. Connect to a community – find others (on line or in person) who have had a similar experience 
  5. Seek therapy – don’t try to recover on your own if you’re struggling
  6. Be kind to yourself – honor your individual grief process, your anger, and your guilt
  7. Honor the person you have lost by working your way back to living life to the fullest

Affirmation: I have found my way out of the depths.

Coaching questions: If you’ve experienced loss, what tips might work for you? What will you do today to implement your choice? What difference might it make?