Blog

Let’s Get Happy

by Mershon Niesner

I’ve been claiming happiness for a long time, dreaming big dreams and using the outcomes of those dreams to bring beauty into my own life and to serve others. Oprah

People want to be happy but when asked what makes them happy, some folks dither and aren’t sure. As Dr. Phil says, “You’ve gotta name it to claim it.” Like Oprah, making a difference in the lives of others has always brought me true joy. To me happiness is more of an “in the moment” sort of thing.

Puppies and babies make my daughter, Katie, happy. Watching the birds from her kitchen window makes my friend, Nanc, happy. Blooms on my mini gardenia, sparkling water on Barfield Bay as seen from my upstairs porch first thing in the morning, angel hair pasta with homemade marinara, spotting a baby burrowing owl, a really good book, a hearty laugh with precious friends…. all this and so much more causes me to feel happy. What about you??

Affirmation: I claim happiness.

Coaching questions: List five things that make you happy. If you’re not feeling happy, what can you do to change your mood? How important is it to you to be happy?

 

Living With Purpose

by Mershon Niesner

Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder. Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd. Rumi, 13th century poet, scholar, theologian

People sometimes ask how I can stay positive while immersing myself in mother loss for hours a day. The same might be asked of an oncologist or mortician. Yesterday I asked myself the same question after absorbing several particularly difficult life stories in recent days. I checked in and realized that I felt fine because I know that the purpose behind my interviews and research…writing a book that will make a difference in people’s lives…keeps me traveling in the positive lane. Generally it is also cathartic and positive for daughters who are willing to share and relive their heartbreaking stories because they are confident that their resilience will be an inspiration to others.

Purpose is everything. It gets us up in the morning, keeps us going to the gym, watering our gardens, loving our families. Knowing their life can still have purpose keeps prisoners of war alive, the paralyzed engaged, caregivers still caring.

Affirmation: I have purpose.

Coaching questions: What is your purpose? What difference does it make? How has your purpose changed over time?

 

Shhh….It’s A Secret

by Mershon Niesner

With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not. Sara Gruen, author, Water for Elephants

Secrecy is a common denominator in families where tragedy has struck. The C-word is never mentioned, photos are put away, death is not discussed, the unspoken agreement is “don’t ask, don’t tell” where everyone is expected to act as if nothing happened.

After talking with motherless daughters who grew up in this type of environment, I’ve come to believe that the secrecy was as much of a problem as the actual death of their mother. Silence increased their feelings of shame, especially if their mother died when they were young and there was no opportunity to process their experience by openly acknowledging their mother’s existence and their profound loss.

Affirmation: I’m an open person.

Coaching questions: What are your family’s secrets? How have they affected you?

A Kite Without A String

by Mershon Niesner

A girl is like a kite, without her mother’s steady hold on the string, she might just float away, be lost somewhere among the clouds. Kristin Harrah author of The Great Alone

The Great Alone has several themes but the thread that runs through the story is that of an abusive, mentally ill father and husband. Later today I’m interviewing two young women who lost their mothers not to disease or even abandonment but to murder. Their mothers were murdered by their husbands, the daughter’s abusive step-fathers. Mother loss can leave a daughter feeling ungrounded, like a kite floating in space. An “on purpose” death, like murder and suicide, is a whole different dimension.

As I write my book on mother loss, I’m seeing how each daughter “speaks” to every other daughter who has experienced loss. Early mother loss feels especially tragic until one considers the meaning of abandonment or murder. A daughter losing her mother to dementia feels very alone but can appreciate the gift of having her mother for 60 or 70 years, an early loss daughter can hardly contemplate losing her mother “twice”…and so the circle continues.

Affirmation: I  learn from the experience of others.

Coaching questions: What life stories have spoken loudest to you? How have they made a difference in your life? How does your story help others?

 

Celebrating Imperfection

by Mershon Niesner

The charm is in the imperfections. Harley Jessup, production designer and art director, Pixar Studios

Harley Jessup was the commencement speaker at the Oregon State University graduation I attended last Saturday. He has won both an Oscar and an Emmy for visual effects and has been a part of movies such as Monster’s, Inc, Coco, Ratatouille. He’s also written and illustrated three children’s books. He talked about how computer effects make edges smooth and perfect…part of his job is to create imperfections, thus making the object or character look authentic. He even said, “I wish there was a degree in imperfection.”

Doesn’t this just make you feel better about that saggy tummy or today’s blemish or those droopy eye lids? I love the notion of embracing our imperfections because they are what make us authentic, real, human.

Affirmation: I embrace my imperfections.

Coaching question: What imperfection will you embrace today…in yourself and in another? What difference will it make?

Triumph Out of Adversity

by Mershon Niesner

Always seek out the seed of triumph in every adversity. Og Mandino,  author of The Greatest Salesman in the World

Bettie D. Gonzalez died of a rare cancer at the age of 38 leaving behind six children ages 7-16. On becoming adults, these children established The Bettie D. Gonzalez Foundation of Hope www.bdghope.org whose mission is to “Empower, Serve and Mentor Motherless Daughters”. This year they awarded twelve $1500 scholarships. In addition, they mentor motherless girls starting at age 14 in the greater Dallas and Detroit areas. Their purpose is to create a legacy that motherless girls who are mentored with wisdom, love and empowerment will one day pass on the same to future generations.

Turning their tragedy into a thriving legacy was a way to triumph over their adversity and a beautiful model for us all.  Thank you Gonzalez family.

Affirmation: I can be triumphant.

Coaching question: In what way can you turn your tragedy into something positive?

 

 

Honoring My Dad

by Mershon Niesner

My father used to say that it’s never too late to do anything you wanted to do. And he said, “You never know what you can accomplish until you try”. Michael Jordan, NBA basketball super star

We are spending Father’s Day in Portland, Oregon following the college graduation of  our grandson, Austin. I’m happy for my husband that he will spend the day with two of his three children and two of his 11 grands. It will be a great day of wine tasting and celebration!

For those of you who know me personally, you know how much my dad meant to me. He raised me from the age of eight and I was blessed with a particularly awesome dad. He was patient and kind, calm and consistent, understanding and forgiving, supportive and firm. He sounds like a saint…he wasn’t…but he was a darn good guy! He died nine years ago at the age of 92. I’ve attempted to take on his role of #1 Nebraska Football Fan and I hope my life honors his.

Affirmation: I honor my dad’s life with my own.

Coaching questions: What did/does your dad mean to you? How has he made a difference in your life? Not all dads are a positive influence. If yours isn’t/wasn’t, how have you dwelt with your circumstances?

IMG_2156

 My Dad, Leon Horn, in his late 80’s.

 

The Rubber Band Effect

by Mershon Niesner

The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived. Robert Jordan, author, The Fires of Heaven, part of the Wheel of Time series

Resilience is the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; a rubber band. In a person, resiliency is the capacity to adapt well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, or extreme stress. Why are some people more resilient than others and how can one learn to be more resilient?

People who demonstrate resilience generally have these traits in common: Ability to sustain supportive relationships with family and friends, a strong self-image and confidence in their strengths; they accept that change is a part of living and don’t see crisis as insurmountable. Developing your communication and problem solving skills while practicing good self care will also help to enhance your resilience. Build on your past experiences…trust that what you have survived has made you stronger.

Affirmation: I am resilient.

Coaching questions: What can you do now that will make you more resilient when crisis develop? How have you shown resilience in the past? What did that experience teach you?

 

Survivor’s Pride

by Mershon Niesner

In the final stage of successful mourning, children come to see loss and their ability to survive as part of the same tapestry. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by grief and despair, they are aware of their own strength to manage adversity. Maxine Harris, Ph.D. author of The Loss That Is Forever 

Whether we have profound loss as a child or as an adult, we look forward to the day when we can reorganize ourselves and begin to get on with life. Sometimes we say,  “The worst possible thing that could happen did happen and I survived it. Now I’m going to get back to living a joy-filled life.” 

Sometimes this attitude, Survivor’s Pride, can fortify and strengthen those who are fortunate to have it throughout their lives. People who have had bad things happen to them often come out with deeper compassion and a greater capacity to empathize with the pain of others. 

Affirmation: I am a survivor.

Coaching questions: What has helped or would help you to “reorganize” yourself to the point that you have Survivor’s Pride? What have you gained by having something “bad” happen to you?

Three Coaching Insights

by Mershon Niesner

Coaching helps people get unstuck, move forward, and live a healthier, happier, more productive personal/professional life. Mershon Niesner, CPPC

Ever wonder why there are coaching questions or requests at the end of each blog? I’m a retired, Certified Life Coach and I want to share my expertise. Here are three things I’ve learned while coaching people.

  1. People generally know what they need to do to move forward. Solutions may need to be “teased” out with good questions.
  2. Big changes may start with small steps. Simple requests like, “make your bed everyday” or “buy yourself flowers” have been the beginning of major change.
  3. Most people thrive with accountability. Paying a coach and knowing that they are going to ask how you did during the week, often helps folks stay on target and make progress toward their goals.

Affirmation: I want to grow. personally/professionally.

Coaching questions: What is one thing you want to achieve this week? What step can you take today to move forward? How will your life be different if you reach your goal?