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Five Steps to Earning Trust

by Mershon Niesner

I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you. Friedrich Nietzsche, German philosopher

Trust is the measure of a quality relationship. This is true of friends, business associates, world leaders. Here are four behaviors that demonstrate trustworthiness. 

  1. Keep confidences. When you share confidential information, you destroy your trustworthiness with both the person you have betrayed and the person with whom you have shared the information. 
  2. Show vulnerability. When you open up and share your goals and values with others, they perceive you as more trustworthy. You have “skin in the game” and something to lose.
  3. Respect boundaries. Set clear boundaries for yourself and hold them. In turn, honor the boundaries of others. 
  4. Speak face to face. Twitter, Facebook and other social media outlets have become a breeding ground for distrust. If you have something important to say, speak to the person directly. 
  5. Tell the truth. As Nietzsche says, once  the foundation of truth-telling is broken, it can take a great deal for someone to trust again.

Affirmation: I am trustworthy.

Coaching questions: How do you measure trustworthiness? How do you instill trust in others? What’s one thing you can do to be perceived as a more trustworthy person? 

Lessons From Baby Twain

by Mershon Niesner

The only limits you have are the limits you believe. Wayne Dyer, author and speaker.

Samuel Clemens, known as Mark Twain, was born on this day in 1835. Baby Clemens arrived prematurely in a two-room shack in Florida, Missouri. He was a frail infant and sickly child, prompting his mother to admit, “When I first saw him, I could see no promise in him.” As the creator of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, Clemens is one of America’s best known authors despite ending his formal schooling after the fifth grade.

The lesson here—you are more than your packaging, your education, your upbringing. You can accomplish great things if you set your mind to it. Never give up or give in and, your Mama doesn’t always know best. 

Affirmation: I can overcome.

Coaching questions: What do you see as limiting factors in your history? What can you do to overcome them and soar to new heights? What’s one step you will take today? 

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Finding the Stillness Inside

by Mershon Niesner

In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you. Deepak Chopra, author

Sunday is the beginning of Advent (also the beginning of Hanukkah for my Jewish friends). For Christians, the next twenty-four days are a time of preparation for the birth of Christ. In our culture “preparation” means baking, card writing, gift shopping, decorating, parties.

Preparation can also be a time of giving to those less fortunate–those in need of our money, our time, our love and comfort. For me, preparation is also a time to “be still and know” in the midst of movement and chaos. To help me achieve this, I’m reading Love Came Down by Janice Wilhelm, a daily advent devotional. I want to just “be” for a few minutes every day during this season of hustle and bustle. 

Affirmation: I can be still.

Coaching question: How are you preparing for Christmas? What helps you keep stillness inside? How will you orchestrate moments of stillness during this busy time of preparation? 

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I’m Not a Tiger’s Breakfast

by Mershon Niesner

Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results. Willie Nelson, American musician

We are hard-wired to notice and store negative experiences over positives ones. This negative bias kept us alive in the days when we lived in caves and were in danger of becoming a tiger’s breakfast. It’s one reason we dwell on the one critical comment over the many compliments we receive. We need to learn ways to over-ride this primal brain.

I love taking scenic photos to share with my Facebook friends. In doing this, I’m re-booting my positive thinking and establishing the habit of noticing the lovely and positive. As we look on the bright side of life, we turn away from the stressful and negative.

Affirmation: I look on the bright side.

Coaching questions: What keeps you out of the weeds of negativity? What’s something you can do today to walk on the bright side and override your negative inclinations? 

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Re-writing Your Life

by Mershon Niesner

Never, never, never, never give up. Winston Churchill, British statesman

I’m doing a serious re-write of my book after it returned from three weeks in the hands of my capable editor. As I rethink the genre, the premise or through-line, the structure, I’m reminded of how this work is an analogy for re-writing one’s life after a significant loss. When your mother, husband, child or other significant person in your life dies, parts of your life need to be re-written. Perhaps you’re no longer defined as a care-giver or a partner and you’re wondering who you are and what you’re going to do without your former roles. 

Take a moment and reconnect with what you like and don’t like, how you see yourself in the future, and what contributions you want to make. Re-writing is not for the faint of heart. It takes perseverance, creativity, a determination to succeed and, in my case, prayer. Never, never give up.

Affirmation: I can re-write my life.

Coaching question/request: If you’re recovering from a recent loss, what steps are you taking to re-write your life? Take a moment to journal your thoughts on what’s next. Write about specific ways you can move forward—even if it is just for today or this week. 

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What Tickles Your Fancy?

by Mershon Niesner

It was the right atmosphere, right time, right place for waterbeds because that was a very creative era in San Francisco—Summer of Love and Jefferson Airplane and all that stuff. Charles Hall, inventor of the waterbed

We can’t be serious and introspective all the time. Some days it’s fun to celebrate insignificant things —like the 50th anniversary of the waterbed. Charles Hall was a graduate student in product design at San Francisco State University when he designed the waterbed as his graduate project in human comfort. He later brought them to South Florida where they really took off and now he’s bringing them back in a new, updated design. No, I’m not his ad agency,  I just think it’s interesting.

My son, Dan, wanted a waterbed so badly when he was a kid that he saved up and bought one. He brought the garden hose though his bedroom window and filled it up. He set the heater on high and the rest is blissful history. 

Affirmation: It’s just fine to be frivolous. 

Coaching questions: What’s a little story or bit of history that “tickles your fancy?” What do you do to move from a dark place to a place of light?  

Keep Your Bucket Full

by Mershon Niesner

An empty lantern provides no light. Self-care is the fuel that allows your light to shine brightly. Unknown

There’s a new children’s book out entitled Fill a Bucket by Carol McCloud and Katherine Martin. The idea is we all have an invisible bucket which holds good thoughts and feelings about ourselves. When someone does something nice for you, you do something nice for them, or you do something nice for yourself, you fill your bucket. 

I’ve used the bucket analogy as a Life Coach for years. I’d notice my client’s bucket was empty by how they sounded or what they said then I’d ask them, “What will you do this week to fill your bucket?” During the holiday season, it’s easy to deplete our own buckets while working hard to fill the buckets of others. This month, keep tabs on your bucket, notice when it’s getting low and either fill it yourself (a nap, a massage, a walk) or ask someone to help you fill it (please clean up the kitchen, take me to dinner, drop this off at the post office). As we fill the buckets of others, the joy in our buckets goes up but we need to watch the balance. 

Affirmation: I have a full bucket.

Coaching questions: How’s your bucket doing? Is it full or empty? What can you do this week to fill up your bucket? 

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Take a Moment to Appreciate Your Brain

by Mershon Niesner

Forgetfulness is a form of freedom. Kahill Gibran, Lebanese-American writer, poet.

How often do we say, I forgot….the keys, the sweater, the name, the birthday, the number? For most of us of a certain age, some forgetfulness is routine. But what about those whose past has slipped away, those whose last five minutes are gone? 

As I interviewed daughters for my book on mother loss, I found it particularly heart-rending when I talked to daughters who are losing or have lost their mothers to Alzheimer’s disease. One woman said, “My mother is lost but not gone.” This mother has forgotten her daughter and everyone else who was important to her yet she is still alive and may live for many more years. One daughter’s story exemplified Gibran’s quote. She said, “My mother used to have great anxiety and worry. As a result, she was often angry and depressed. Now, because of her dementia, she is free of worry and is experiencing joy.” This daughter knows her mother’s situation will worsen but in the meantime she is embracing the moment.

Perhaps you have lost or are losing your mother or other loved one to this terrible disease. I can’t imagine what pain you’re experiencing but I can stand beside you and support you through it.

Affirmation: My brain is alive and well.

Coaching question: What does your ability to think, remember, reason mean to you? Don’t take it for granted, be grateful.

1,000 Thank-Yous

by Mershon Niesner

When trying to go to sleep, instead of counting sheep, try counting things you’re grateful for— in alphabetical order. AJ Jacobs, author

Our national day of gratitude is behind us but I believe every day should be a day for giving thanks and AJ Jacobs, author of Thanks a Thousand, is just the guy to emulate. His book recounts his mission to thank every single person who played a part in making his morning coffee, over 1,000 people. His journey took him from coffeeshop barista to the Colombian coffee farmer to the lid designer. Oh, he also thanked the lady from pest control who kept the bugs out of the coffee warehouse. 

It’s a fact that showing gratitude is good for our physical and mental health. Studies show keeping a gratitude journal helps patients in their recovery and health-care workers’ stress levels decline by an average of 28 percent. We humans are naturally negative. Spreading gratitude is a way to make the world a better place. 

Affirmation: I’m grateful.

Coaching questions: Who have you thanked personally today? What difference does it make when someone thanks you? Think of someone who rarely receives appreciation and thank them.

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Gratitude at the Farmer’s Market

by Mershon Niesner

Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. Henry Ward Beecher, Clergyman, social reformer.

Yesterday I visited the Farmer’s Market and it reminded me of the many things for which I’m thankful. I had the chance to pet a brand new kitten…what’s more precious than the innocence of animals? There were flowers, lots of flowers and pots of herbs. Colorful, fresh fruits and vegetables for healthy eating. I enjoyed a cup of really good coffee. There was live music. I met fellow writers and a friend at the author’s booth selling books. 

There were French pastries, beautiful breads, stuffed grape leaves, cheese. Booths selling handmade jewelry and photography. I met a family from Connecticut who were visiting. I’m thankful for meeting new people and the tourists who help support our island. The sun was shining, a breeze was blowing. Upon returning home, my sweet husband helped me carry my treasurers up the stairs. Today, as I write this, I’m thankful for you, my followers and viewers. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Affirmation: I have many, many blessings. 

Coaching request: Take a moment to list some of the things for which you’re grateful. Say thanks to those who mean the most to you. Live a life filled with gratitude. 

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